I saw this video on YouTube so I thought I’d check this place out. I’ve tried getting help from “real” therapists and the one time I reach out they turn their back on me. I just lost my mom to covid and it’s put me over the top into a downward spiral. I’m educated. Getting older but still have a small window at life but I’m heading in the wrong direction. I’ve isolated myself from everyone so I have nobody in this world except my moms dog……I think she is keeping me alive. I’ve grown very angry as well, I don’t even recognize myself. I just want to meet someone special and enjoy life together but it’s impossible now for many reasons. Bla bla bla, poor me, I know……it sounds so ridiculous to write, no wonder people think that about me im sure……the blonde girl on YouTube sounds like someone good to talk to but therapy in general seems like it wouldn’t work….???
Hi Fading2Black,
I am so sorry about your Mom. Losing a loved one is so very hard and on top of that a therapist, the person that is supposed to be helping you has turned their back. That has to feel incredibly lonely and hopeless. During covid I had a similar situation with a therapist when I reached out for help, it made me feel like I was on a dark path without a compass and all I wanted was to find a new direction.
I am so glad that you still have your mom’s dog, they really do make the best companions, always offering an ear without judgement. I hear you when you say that you are feeling anger and putting your thoughts out there feels silly, as in who would want to understand your feelings. I am very glad that you have shared this and if you would like to keep the conversation going I am very happy to listen. Please give your dog some pets from me!
Hi there @Fading2Black, welcome in.
Rest assured that what you have shared here does not sound stupid in any way. There’s no self-pity or dramatic tone in what you are sharing. On the contrary, you are being your vulnerable self, you’re sharing what might be hidden being masks in other social environments… and it’s our honor here to get to know you that way. At Heartsupport we firmly believe - and continuously see - that sharing what’s on our heart opens the door to meaningful and healing connections. So thank you for being here and choosing to share about your life with the rest of us.
I’m truly sorry for the loss of your mom. It must have been so brutal and sudden to lose her to covid. It’s such an unfair way to say goodbye to someone who holds a significant place in your life, in your heart. The spiral you’ve been experiencing makes completely sense, especially in light of the grief you’re in right now. Losing someone we love does feel like our world is turned upside down suddenly. There’s no sense of direction left - and to quote this beautiful song of M.Shinoda, “nothing makes sense anymore”. You are forced to compose with the silence it leaves you with, and oh goodness that silence can feel heavy. Overwhelmingly present.
For what it’s worth, my partner’s dad passed away last week, and it’s been quite a journey for my partner and I since then. Today I was awfully angry and bored. Nothing was fine, nothing was working, everything was too much and I was just annoyed by everything. At the end of the day, I’m trying to remind myself that it’s understandable to feel upset right now. There’s accumulated tiredness, sadness and sorrow behind it.
I guess I’m just sharing this as a call to this voice inside of your mind that might feel awkward or even ashamed of feeling anger in the midst of raw pain…: it’s okay to feel however you feel. Could it be anger, sadness, fear - any emotion that might arise right now is absolutely valid. Grief tears one’s heart apart, and somehow it makes all the other wounds we’ve been carrying more visible to us, more vivid. Everything feels fucked up, doomed, messy. What seemed manageable yesterday feels unbearable in the present. It’s okay to be patient with ourselves while we’re trying to navigate through all of this.
Some day, you will find your anchor again, even if parts of you might not want to. You will get there, my friend. And in the meantime, you are welcome to share and connect as much as you need. Just as you are.