Hey everyone. This is my first time actually posting a topic on this forum, rather than just replying or liking comments. I would have a while ago if I had the strength to, honestly. There’s just so much I want to get out, it’s scary to think about it for any longer than I have to. I barely even know where to start.
So… I’m turning 16 soon and I haven’t been to school in 2 years. I dropped out second semester of grade 9 because my anxiety and depression got to the point where I could no longer think or function properly, and one morning I actually passed out of pure exhaustion because of all I was putting myself through. I thought that if I kept pushing and fighting, everything would be ok, and things would get easier- but that’s not how it turned out. Instead, the more I pushed, the more disappointed I felt with my life. I was putting so, so much effort into just every day things… why did I have to put all of my energy into these mundane tasks that made me feel stressed, anxious, and just overall awful? I hated my life so much at the time. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I beggedddd my parents to let me find a different way to get my education. Holy crap, crying up a bit of a storm right now- see, I knew this would happen when I started writing, agh. My mom never understood what was going on with me, and was honestly not very attentive towards how I appeared to be doing. My dad on the other hand, was just… he never said the right things, ever. He gives me so much anxiety and makes me feel so small, and I hate it so much. So, my dad became really mad at my mom for not “doing anything” about how I wasn’t going to school anymore (by the way my parents are separated). However, the first good thing my mom did here was let me try to find a different way to learn, rather than forcing the same awful cycle of anxiety and depression on me that that school brought. My dad has always been a bit of a narcissist- he sees me not being in school as something that people could use against him. I feel so overwhelmed right now, typing all of this- there’s just so much to say. Anyway, you can imagine how awful he made me feel, since I dropped out of school. He’s still been awfully bitter and rude to me since then.
Anyway, what I came here to talk about actually is how I feel so lost right now. I desperately want to be doing something that I can be proud of, rather than staying home all the time, now that I’m getting a bit better. I just want to be doing something that will give me a purpose. Because at the moment, my life feels so empty and bleak. I fill my days by attempting to distract myself from the fact that there’s still that darkness lingering in my head, and I try so hard to try to make myself happy with what I have. And it’s so freaking hard. I don’t watch each day to be a fight, I don’t want to waste my time doing things that… don’t really help me but are a temporary joy. I feel that I have so much more potential, that I’m made for so much more. I can sense all the love in my heart I have for people, and how badly I want to just help them and make their lives better in any way I can. I know that I’m different than other kids my age, after all that I’ve been through, but I want people to see that! I want to talk about what I’ve been through and have it resonate with them, and walk them through their own journey, after what I’ve learned from what I’ve been through. I feel like I have so much love and joy in my heart, and it’s being put to waste in this grey, bleak life that I have. It pains me so much to think of all the good I could be doing, all the ways I could be helping, yet here I am, stuck at home, crying waiting something to change in my life.
Feeling so alone, washed out, and broken. Help ):