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I just need to get everything out

This is my first time posting so I’ll try my best to accurately explain how i’m feeling. Being a 20 year old college student obviously comes with its stresses and putdowns. However, despite showing a brave face to everyone in my life, I just want to lay in bed in silence, in the dark and just simply exist. Not live. Exist. Before writing this I watched a TED talk about a retired highway patrolman from California who worked near the GGB (Golden Gate Bridge) and worked with people who have made the decision to jump from the bridge. He goes on to talk about how he saved somebody from jumping just from listening to their story. That made me realize I’ve never been truly honest with myself and my story. I’ve always been that kid that got easily got picked up, excluded, put down, made the butt of every joke ect…Of course this had an effect on my self esteem as a child and this led to me isolating myself and withdrawling from life in my early teenage years. I’d go days without talking to anyone at school, or I’d count how many times someone would say something negative or hurtful to me in 1 day and it got to the point where I just stopped bothering trying to interact with anyone. Everyday of high school was just “pop in your headphones and talk to no one”. Unfortunately this became normal for me and just as expected, I graduated high school (essentially talking to absolutely no one from my graduating class) and this carried on into college. I’d also like to add that suicidal idealizations and attempts were thought of and carried out on numerous occasions during my teenage years. This has always been a problem of mine as I notice the “spiral” when these thoughts creep back into my head and years of on and off therapy have helped in some way. Getting back to college, I isolated myself even more. I made no attempt to socialize or even really communicate with anyone, fearing the same things would happen and I was not looking for a part 2 of high school. I’d stay in bed 18 hours a day, with no human interaction for the better part of my first semester. This led to a whole breakdown and eventually to me moving back home & commuting to school. The only way I can really explain how life was for me at the point would be empty, numb and meaningless. Of course to this day I still struggle with depression, and right now I’m writing this because I am struggling. Feeling like I’m less than everybody, that I’m just wrong and stupid, that I’m a piece of shit, that I don’t deserve happiness or love. I just want to be genuinely happy again. I haven’t been in years, it’s all been artificial. For years during every family gathering, trips to see my girlfriend & her family, even by myself, I have to phone it in. Feeling like this puts enormous guilt on me, knowing that my family tries to show me love and support I immediately resent it and become upset with myself for rejecting their true love, care and support for me. I tell myself I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to smile, or feel good, or to be loved or I just don’t deserve to live. I hate this/these feeling(s) that make me feel hollow, and, for the most part, dead on the inside. Thank you to anyone who actually read this. It truly does mean the world to me

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hello friend,
i relate a lot to this. i just joined this too.
the other day i watched this same TED talk. im currently in high school and feeling more alone than ever. i shrug it off but it really is getting to me.
im so sorry for the things you had to go through in high school , its not fair, everyone deserves more than to feel sad enough to attempt or take their life.
it sucks feeling worthless, it really is the worst feeling in this cruel world.
you need to know and be aware you deserve the world. no matter who it is everyone deserves to be happy.
i hope you get through it and you shoudnt feel alone because theres so many of us who to an extent know how you feel

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thank you so much for replying, i really did need this the second i woke up. and i do whole heartedly hope you can move past this as well. find a reason to be happy or to smile & constantly remind yourself of it, we got this

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Sometimes you get hurt and it leaves a wound and sometimes it gets better and scars over and sometimes it doesn’t and it gets infected and you need to drain all the nastiness out of it before it can heal. I think that this is true of emotional as well as physical wounds. I saw the TED GGB trooper talk a while ago and even though his way of preventing suicides was to help drain some festering emotional wounds and even though I think that this is good, something that can’t be overlooked is that the people we was helping were not whole even if he could get them back over the railing. Just like they existed before he met them, the people about to jump didn’t disappear after coming back to safety. They kept living and having to work on their mental health issues with professional support and probably get on or change their psychiatric medications.You can talk as much as you want about anything you want and I will listen for as long as I am capable or for as long as you want me to. Other people here will do the same. People with mental illness love listening because it lets us know that we are not alone and because solving someone else’s problems is easier than solving our own.

However there is a lot of things that nobody on this or other websites can do. A therapist can help you sanitize emotional wounds and teach you how to bind and bandage your wounds yourself so that they can heal. A psychiatrist can give you medicines that make infections less common and not as bad when they happen.

Heartsupport can help with bandages (read: emotional support), but if you don’t know how to bandage your own emotional wounds, we can’t bandage them for you. We might try to walk you through it and give you advice, and we will cheer you on, but you need to put in the work.

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I totally understand the stress that comes along with school. I too, am a full time college student, while also working a full time job. It’s crazy, and gets overwhelming at times. I’m so proud of you for going though. Even though you sometimes wish to only exist, you are still pushing yourself and that’s admirable.
As humans, we like to have easy solutions to our problems. We all feel this way, and want the instant gratification. I truly believe though, that if you put yourself out there, you will start to see improvements, and happiness.
I personally, am not the type to go up to someone and try to make friends. However, if someone came up to me, I would happily be a friend, hang out, etc. Sometimes you have to just take the first step, ask someone to hang out, socialized some. And I know how hard that can be. I completely understand. But small changes outside your comfort zone can really help to make you feel better.

Thanks for sharing.

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@ethanj19

Hello. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the HeartSupport community. We will love you until the end. Heh. Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot. I understand about feeling alone and isolate yourself. I’ve been there many times. Still dealing with it. There are times I want to isolate myself, and there times I don’t because it is not worth it. It is easy to push everyone away. It is hard to reach out, however, you can do it. Just show yourself grace and mercy, my friend. Love yourself also. If you want to vent more, this forum is open for you. I hope you are hanging on. God bless you.

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the constant battle is what gets me down, and reaching out for help is definitely the best decision i’ve ever made. thank you for replying.

self love and care are (in my opinion) the most overlooked stages of healing because for some people they feel as if they’re giving themselves praise for something minor. i love that you added to get out of your comfort zone and just kind of send it. thank you so much for the reply and wonderful advice.

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thank you so much for replying. any way that i wasnt able to fully describe how i feel and what i’m thinking in those instances, you just did perfectly. definitely one thing i have major work to do with is self love and mercy. thank you for helping me see what i deseperatly need to improve on.

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