I just need to get this off my chest (tw: sexual content)

[ThrowMyMemoriesAway]

I didnt want to categorise this as support since im pretty sure no human in their right mind would support me in this.

I did something. something really fucked up.
I don’t remember how long ago it was. I don’t even think I can remember it correctly. all I know is I think it happened before I was thirteen. maybe twelve. I don’t know.
god I fucking hate myself for it.
im so goddamn scared to press publish. I made an alternate account but I had to use an email to set it up. I really really hope nobody I know manages to find this.
okay.
okay.
okay.
here goes.
…
I have a brother. he’s the same age as me. and I think I’ve … god, I cant even fucking type the words. I feel so disgusted with myself. god. maybe this was a bad idea.
listen, this is an alt account. the only danger is somebody somehow finding you through email.
okay. I think I’ve. god I cant do it. I feel so gross. I hate myself so much for letting this happen.
im going to my room. and im gonna stay in there while I write this. so I can cry in peace.
I think the reason im so hesitant is because I don’t want to admit it to myself. I’ve only typed the words out once before, on my alternate reddit account. but nobody saw it. nobody that I know of, anyway.
I need to go to my room before I continue. as if that little space that’s supposed to be mine will keep the eyes from watching me. god, im putting this on the internet of all places. but the only thing that can link this account to me is the email I used. nobody can see that, right? besides, I can always make a different email account and change it. I think that’s what im gonna do.
okay, im hiding in my cupboard. this feels more secure.
fine. I think I’ve sucked my brother’s dick on three occasions. and I think only one of them was when I was coerced. I don’t remember much of what happened. one time my immediate family went on holiday and rented out a friend’s beach house. my brother and I were curious about sex and made a deal that at nighttime when our parents were watching tv in the other side of the house… god, we couldn’t have been older than 11. I remember that was the first occasion, and I also let him lick my labia, god I fucking hate myself so much. how could I have done something so disgusting? how could I do this? fuck this. fuck it. I hate that ive done this. I feel like its gonna haunt me forever. nobody can know this.
I think I remember my brother telling my parents about it… im surprised they didnt hate me forever from that moment on. or him. christ, what is wrong with me? im not adding in these notes to myself to make you feel sorry for me, viewer. im letting you know how much this has killed me.
the second time was when we were both a bit older. I cant remember how much older. but younger than thirteen. we were just in his room. we were both in the mood. I sucked him at that was it. the second time happened the same as that (again, younger than thirteen), but I refused when he asked for me to suck him. I don’t remember how many times he asked, nor how many times I refused. but I gave in. I remember I gave in.
ive said enough. only one person knows about this, but they don’t know the absolute extent of it. i promised to myself a bit ago that id bury this, pretend like it never happened. but I cant do that. because its eating me alive and I don’t know what to do. I cant face anyone like this.

[Micro]

Hey @ThrowMyMemoriesAway,

Thank you, really, for taking the time to share all of this. I hear and understand how much it was difficult for you to do so. Burying things like these isn’t healthy as it generally comes back to your mind in times when you expect it the least. It’s very positive that you’ve decided to talk about it today, without any filter. Please know that you are safe right here. No one is going to judge you and your anonymity is preserved as well.

First off, I want you to know that you are not disgusting, even if that’s how you feel right now. This is something difficult to process and it brings a lot of deep emotions and guilt. But it’s also important to acknowledge the fact that what happened doesn’t change your worth as a human being. You are not less lovable and worthy because of what happened.

By sharing this, you’ve opened a door to a subject that tends to be very taboo and probably not spoken enough, letting people live with with shame when they get older, which is the fact that it’s not that uncommon for people to have sexual experiences at a young age, whether it’s with friends of family members - basically people closest to us. Though once that is said, it’s also important to replace each situation in its very specific context, especially in terms of consent. You have said something that is a red flag to me:

and I think only one of them was when I was coerced.

If you were coerced, it means that you were forced to do something at least once, and that is absolutely not okay. The very fact that this happened once can question the other times as well. When someone uses an authority over you, especially as a child, what seems to appear as “consent” is actually under the influence of someone holding a power over you. That power can be absolutely implicit as long as you perceive someone as being an authority for you - which is pretty common with family members that surround us when we are really young. At such a young age, we don’t have a real understanding of what sexuality is either.

All of this in the context of not having clear memories is very difficult, and I fully understand that. I guess, what I’m just trying to say is that first and foremost you were young and you didn’t realize what was going on, so it would be unfair to shame yourself, even though I know it’s really hard to shake those feelings. You might have felt that something was wrong at the moment, but when we’re so young then what’s good/bad doesn’t always seem very obvious, especially when we are experiencing something for the first time, and especially with someone we trust.

My second point is that you might need help from now on, from a counselor for example, to understand what was the context at your home at the moment. As mentioned before, coercition is a red flag, and you might need to take it easy as you try to understand what happened and why. I understand the guilt you feel and the automatic reaction of shaming yourself, but I would really like to encourage you to take it easy and to try to seek clarity when asking yourself about consent.

The very fact that we have laws to protect children regarding sexual assaults for example is because when we are young we are not equipped to consent to a sexual act. Because of our age, there is no possibility to express an informed consent. Then the question of the age of the two people involved and the nature of their relationship is important to take in account too. And, finally, if there was the presence of violence, threats, pressure of all kind even non-verbal or eventually an incestuous climate at home (the lack of privacy for example is often an aspect of it), then it can’t be ignored or dismissed either. The last point is important too, because as children we are like clay - we are shaped by the environment we grow up in. So on one side, there’s the fact that many children discover sexuality for the first time through sexual “games” with other children of the same age. However, on the other side, in some contexts there are behaviors that don’t come out of nowhere either, but are the product of the place we grow up in.

I’m aware that it’s a lot to digest and it probably brings more questions to you than real answers. But, I hear all the shame you feel, and I really want to encourage you to try, at your own pace and without pressuring yourself, to also replace what happened in the context that was at your home at the moment. Just because being forced at least once means that things could potentially have been more complex than it seems at first. As a survivor of sexual assaults myself, I understand the feeling of being disguted by yourself for what was done. But asking yourself, objectively, to which extent your agency was involved there is absolutely crucial too. Though as this whole situation brings a lot of deep and painful emotions, please, be gentle with yourself while you are learning to navigate those thoughts and feelings.

You are loved, friend. You matter. Regardless of what happened.

[SheetMetalHead]

@Micro said it all very well. I’ll just echo my takeaways from your post.

You were young and curious, and probably didn’t understand the full extend of what was going on. Like Micro said, it was like a “game.” And if you didn’t understand everything that was going on, I’m just about positive that no one explained the family component to you either. That’s really not something that’s ever talked about in the household, you just sort of learn about it in pop culture or whatever when you’re older.

If your parents found out about it and didn’t hate you forever, that means you’re not deserving of hate. Maybe they ignored it, the responsible thing would have been to have a conversation about it, but they don’t hate you, and neither should anyone else. Again, you don’t just automatically know what the rules are in sexuality, you’re taught.

This is a heavy secret, and I can understand why you haven’t told anybody. Without any guidance though, you’ve formed your own conclusions about what happened and about yourself. You’ve been alone with what happened this whole time, trying to figure out how to carry it with no help. A therapist can help guide you through what happened and process it in a neutral, objective way. I know the idea of telling someone face-to-face is terrifying, but therapists are there to keep your secrets and not judge you. That’s what you’re paying them for. If they express a problem with it, they’re a terrible therapist and you need to move on, but therapists hear all sorts of fucked up shit from a lot of people. After awhile it just becomes another day at the office for them, so you’re not going to shock them into not helping you. If you can’t get the words past your tongue, which I would totally understand, show them this post or write it down somewhere else.

Reading this, I’m not shocked and appalled and disgusted. I feel a lot of sympathy for you. This has been a hard thing to go through, and it’s obviously tearing you up. You didn’t try to hurt anyone, you didn’t do anything with a full understanding that it was frowned upon, you’re not a terrible person. I don’t think you can even call it a mistake if you didn’t fully understand it.

You were really brave coming here and talking about this. I know it can’t have been easy. I hope this starts your healing journey. When we expose our secrets, we no longer have to worry about hiding them. Be well

[ThrowMyMemoriesAway]

thank you both so much. I wish I had never done it. I’m just glad that you disagree with me about what I said, about how I feel about it. I don’t know what else to say apart from thank you. I’m pretty relieved.