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I just need to yell

title… i’ve been ditched by friends, dropped by people i thought cared about me, and more or less every day, i’m stuck alone fighting myself about why i’m even here anymore. it’s hard to sleep because my thoughts are the worst — i’m always thinking about stuff that makes it hard to sleep without crying my eyes out. it’s gotten to that point in my life where i can’t even trust the people i happen to get along with. they tell me that they’re there for me, and that they won’t drop me, but that little demon i call myself is always on my shoulder and reminding me about what happened to the last people that said that. it’s made me think that i’m the problem. i’m the one that needs to stop. i’m the one that’s a bother to everyone i know, and i’m afraid to reach out to them when i’m feeling lonely. i want to believe them when they say they won’t leave me, i really do. i deserve to feel happy for all the bullshit i’ve had to deal with up to this point in my life. but it’s almost physically impossible for me to just do that. i can’t talk to anyone about how i’m feeling — not the people i think of as friends because, “what if i’m just bothering them?” not my mother, because i feel like i’m just a waste of space and a disappointment. i keep trying to remind myself of the fact that, if my friends now haven’t dropped me, then they care. or, my mother hasn’t kicked me out, so she cares. but then the little demon comes back and tells me how wrong i am and that they’re just doing it out of pity. i can’t go to therapy because i’m scared to even try and tell my mother about this, and i just don’t have the resources to do so myself. i have no one, and i’m all alone with myself, and i hate that. but i’m too scared to reach out to anyone and ask for something. anything.

i just want to feel like i matter to someone out there.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here with us. :two_hearts:

It seems like, for the moment, you’re experiencing difficulties to trust again the people around you because you were deeply disappointed by others in the past. Unfortunately, trust is never acquired at first. It’s something you have to build slowly, to work on everyday.
But maybe the problem here is that you’re translating your lack of trust in others to a lack of confidence in yourself. So take a breath, and try to focus on these words: You are definitely not the problem. You are not wasting the time of others. You are not bothering them. You are not a waste of space and you are not a disappointment. The disappointment you feel is directly linked to the way you’re actually considering yourself.
When you doubt like this, you only pay attention to negative thoughts. The problem is that it doesn’t reflect reality. And don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with you, because a lot of people do that. On the other hand, the positive side is that it can be a helpful way to identify how you’re feeling right now. You deserve so much love and to be happy, you’re totally right about it. So you know, this little demon as you call it, it only says bullshit.

Therapy could definitely help. Can you tell us why you’re scared to try and to talk to your mother about it? How do you think she could react? (without letting the little demon/negative voice speak for yourself). Is there a service where you could talk to a therapist without having anyone to know?
It’s totally normal to be scared about it, and a lot of people do this first step everyday. So remember that you are not alone when you feel like this. It can be intimitating at first, but you are actually wearing a burden on your shoulders and therapy can be really helpful. Especially cognitive behavioral therapy, which can be an interesting way to work on your inner thoughts, representations and negative thinking.

Also, you said you were too scared to reach out to anyone but you made this post here. And it’s definitely an important first step, a proof of your strength and courage because you shared your vulnerability with us.

You can do it, beloved.
You matter. :hibiscus: