title… i’ve been ditched by friends, dropped by people i thought cared about me, and more or less every day, i’m stuck alone fighting myself about why i’m even here anymore. it’s hard to sleep because my thoughts are the worst — i’m always thinking about stuff that makes it hard to sleep without crying my eyes out. it’s gotten to that point in my life where i can’t even trust the people i happen to get along with. they tell me that they’re there for me, and that they won’t drop me, but that little demon i call myself is always on my shoulder and reminding me about what happened to the last people that said that. it’s made me think that i’m the problem. i’m the one that needs to stop. i’m the one that’s a bother to everyone i know, and i’m afraid to reach out to them when i’m feeling lonely. i want to believe them when they say they won’t leave me, i really do. i deserve to feel happy for all the bullshit i’ve had to deal with up to this point in my life. but it’s almost physically impossible for me to just do that. i can’t talk to anyone about how i’m feeling — not the people i think of as friends because, “what if i’m just bothering them?” not my mother, because i feel like i’m just a waste of space and a disappointment. i keep trying to remind myself of the fact that, if my friends now haven’t dropped me, then they care. or, my mother hasn’t kicked me out, so she cares. but then the little demon comes back and tells me how wrong i am and that they’re just doing it out of pity. i can’t go to therapy because i’m scared to even try and tell my mother about this, and i just don’t have the resources to do so myself. i have no one, and i’m all alone with myself, and i hate that. but i’m too scared to reach out to anyone and ask for something. anything.
i just want to feel like i matter to someone out there.