I just needed to vent

[Sapphire]

Hi guys,

I’m struggling to make it through this week with a positive attitude. I just feel like all the little things are adding up and it’s getting hard for me to keep up.

I took last Thursday and Friday off work because I was looking for reasons to use some extra time off I had and figured I’d stay up late to try to get at least 1 PS5 on release. That failed. Then I didn’t take Benadryl to help me sleep/prevent sinus issues (my landlords don’t take care of the ventilation in my apartment and even with 3 air purifiers, I need to take allergy medicine). I woke up Thursday feeling very sick and exhausted.

I texted my brother to see how I could help invest in his new business Thursday, and he came over that morning. I told him I couldn’t do what he originally requested (he wanted me to finance a $1300 piece of equipment for him, and I would have but I’m trying to save for a down payment on a house). I gave him some money from my safe which we use for our savings as I don’t carry cash. He offered to take me out to run errands and I accepted since I had stuff to do.

We ended up stopping to get lunch with his wife which was delayed by almost an hour and so I didn’t eat for around 20 hrs which wreaks havoc on my stomach ulcers. Then my storage unit emailed me basically making me feel stupid because whomever delivered a package there on my behalf didn’t do it right, therefore it was my fault. We went back and forth for quite a while before I told her she’s really bad with customers and I’ll just take my money elsewhere, and she finally apologized.

The next day I woke up with my 2nd migraine of the week. I decided since I didn’t get PS5s, I would instead drag myself out and do some Christmas shopping with that money instead. Ended up spending probably $700 on Christmas presents and was happy to go home and relax until my husband got off work. When we went to drop off the presents, we learned that someone close to me who is also a minor has been self harming. This still weighs heavily on my mind.

Saturday I decided I needed to relax at some point before I went back to work, so I decided to work on my cosplay project. Got absolutely nowhere for half of the day and was becoming increasingly frustrated and defeated. I texted my husband since he was at work and he suggested I work on a different part of the project and thankfully I took his advice and made some progress.

Sunday was pretty ok, but my migraine persisted and I was still feeling sick even though I changed the air filters in our air purifiers.

Monday I got back to work with 4 new work orders, of which they were 2 different types of orders, neither of which I have experience in. 2 of them are notorious for being more stressful than the standard orders I usually get. I started getting anxiety because I think I’ve always kinda had issues with Imposter Syndrome but I had been doing well to keep those feelings at Bay after my recent therapy, but I’m feeling it again. So I stressed over those on Monday but still got 2 orders done. Tuesday I got another difficult order, and some of my work on a previous assignment was undone when someone was helping me with an issue on it, so now that order will be even later than it already is. Wednesday I got 3 more stressful orders and I got most of the way through them but I needed help to finish them and everyone was busy. Today I got 6 more assignments that I know of, I haven’t checked the other systems yet.

Yesterday I didn’t have time to take a lunch break because of a the mishaps and my husband brought me lunch but they messed up my order majorly so I just threw it in the fridge and ate it after lunch.

This morning I kept getting woken up super early and I moved out into the living room to lay on the couch to see if I could sleep. I got my 4th migraine of the week. I eventually went back to bed and got maybe another hour of sleep.

At this point I’m really just trying to make it to the weekend. I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t been feeling well. I keep getting migraines. I am getting work piled on exponentially faster than it has been up to this point. I’m losing faith in my ability to do my cosplay. My self care is slipping, I’m not showering or brushing my teeth as much as I should be and I can feel my ulcers getting bad again.

I just need a break from this terrible week. I’m going to try journalling today. I just watched Casey’s Easy Journalling video and I figured I would give it a shot.

[Hoek47]

Wow. This was quite the read as just one thing after another have just been piling up. And then you threw a surprise ending on here of deciding to journal after all these difficulties. Amazing! Good for you!

I get that venting sometimes helps get everything out in the open and can release stress, but I’ve found that I also need to balance that out with “gratitude venting.” Essentially I just like to go through my day/week/whatever and list all the good that happened. If you decide to do this, I’d love to read your reply on this thread if that experience.

[Sapphire]

Yea, I’ve been telling myself I need to journal for a while now and I think Casey’s approach with the word bubbles was a lot easier and less time consuming than traditional journaling. I still find myself exhausted (I get that way after times of high stress without time to withdraw and recharge - I am very much an introvert.) And counting down 6 more hours til I am done with work for a couple of days.

Hmmm. I can try.

On Thursday, not getting the PS5s (I wanted to get one for me and my husband so we can play network multiplayer games together, we did the same with PS4.) could probably be viewed as good AND bad. Bad because I was looking forward to it, but I was able to spend that money on Christmas presents and learn about the self harming… While it does trouble me that it’s happening, I can at least offer advice to the parents.

I learned that QuickTrip has good tacos.

As frustrating as it was, I DID make progress on my cosplay. I’ve decided to take a break from it though, probably until tomorrow.

I like the fact that I’m creative and have things like that to channel into, it’s really easy for my brain to enter a ‘flow’ state when I’m writing, drawing, crafting, playing guitar, or pretty much anything creative. I suppose that could be considered bad too though, because I will often forget to eat or drink anything or even go to the bathroom so by the time I’m done I’m like a Sim with all red bars lol.

I am glad I have my job, at the end of the day. I was hired just before Covid lockdowns and in spite of the growing pains (I have been told my all sources that it takes years to get acclimated to this job.) I do like it and can even picture myself retiring here. Before this I’d always worked food/retail and that sort of thing is just not for me (very introverted/hyper empathetic/social phobia). In this job I don’t work with the public and the majority of it is manipulating routers and such in order to install new routes for data to travel between locations. It actually stimulates my brain rather than just doing mindless tasks from day to day.

I am glad I have my bearded dragon Bruce. I’ve honestly considered registering him as an emotional support animal. He helped keep my anxiety under control when I went to my parents house recently, which is a very stress inducing thing for me since they were abusive when I was growing up. But having Bruce there helped keep myself grounded I guess and it helps to have my hands busy, petting him for example.

I’m also thankful that my husband and I are not struggling money wise as so many people are with Covid. We’ve actually steadily been saving for a down payment on a house and my husband encourages me to buy what I need for my cosplays. It’s still weird for me to spend money on myself but it helps when he supports the hobby.

And last but definitely not least I am so happy to have my husband. He was the first one to chime in on my abysmal workload by mentioning how they obviously trust me with the work and are impressed by my progress so far. I hadn’t even thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry about this work as I probably always will (comes with OCPD), but over the past few days the full fledged anxiety has turned into acceptance and want to just push through it, even if for now it’s just making it to 4pm Friday afternoon. I’m hoping after a couple days to rest I can go into next week more refreshed and able to tackle those orders. I also mentioned how my husband helped with the cosplay. And seeing all the ‘hard’ marriages that are in my life, I’m really glad he makes it easy to be married to him.

[Hoek47]

What a joy to read! I see a lot of mental and emotional maturity, and just reading your perspective on life felt like a learning experience for me. Thanks for sharing!
Lol the Sims red bar… for years I roomed with my friend who was an illustrator, and I often would just make him dinner and then force him to take a food break when he wouldn’t even realize he’d been working ALL day.
Love to hear about your happy marriage and supportive husband. Doesn’t having a wonderful marriage almost feel like a life cheat code? Power Overwhelming.

[Sapphire]

@Hoek47

Doesn’t having a wonderful marriage almost feel like a life cheat code?

Yea, I suppose you could say that. I really did get lucky when I met my husband. Sometimes I worry though that constantly talking about how happy it is will rub people the wrong way. In my own experience I don’t know many people that are actually happy in their marriages.

[Hoek47]

I wouldn’t worry too much about that as long as your intentions are good. Yeah, my wife and I constantly talk about how lucky we feel to have such a happy, healthy marriage.

[Sapphire]

Thanks. You’re right, I shouldn’t worry about it. I suppose I forget sometimes that I am not responsible for how they receive what I say. Perhaps that is the old people pleaser in me that I’ve been trying to put to bed once and for all. For the most part I have been successful. I guess I need to keep reminding myself that my happiness is mine and they are welcome to receive it however they choose to, and that is not up to me.