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I just relapsed last night

I couldn’t take it. Like two in the fucking morning I woke up with a strong urge to cut and I did it. After being eight months clean I snapped. I don’t know what to do or say.

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Hey @PleaseJustKillMeAlready - In times like these, focus on the victory! You made it 8 whole months clean and that’s something to celebrate! And a new benchmark to beat. :slight_smile: You can do this! We believe in you, friend.

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Hey friend,

Thank you for your renewed trust and for allowing yourself to be vulnerable here.

8 months is a huge accomplishment and something to be proud of. Know that relapses happen sometimes through recovery, and as much as it is painful, it doesn’t change how strong and brave you are for leading this battle against self-harrm. You efforts are not vain or wasted. You’re still on that road, moving on, even if it implies to fall sometimes. Please be gentle with yourself in times to come. I know a relapse can bring a lot of painful feelings and negative thoughts about ourselves, but it’s a burden you don’t need to carry with you. You are so much stronger than you might feel right now. Hold fast. :hrtlegolove:

I’ve tried to fight the urge for so long, but I feel more and more that I need it. And it’s the only thing that helps. When I cut myself then, I felt such relief, and the urge to do it more. Nothing else seems like it’ll help, so I’ll just have to stick with this.

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I understand. Unfortunately, those urges can make you feel that hurting yourself is all you need… It creates this pressure and sense of emergency. But you’ve been living without it for 8 months, friend. Sure, there are moments when we feel more or less stronger while facing those things. Sometimes there’s also just more obstacles in our life that happen to be a lot more triggering than other times. But you definitely have the strength to resist against those urges, to use healthier ways to cope. Just like you have the experience to know that you are not stuck with this. Each day, each minute you pass without hurting yourself is a success, and another proof to yourself that harming is not the solution.

If nothing seems to help right now, maybe it would be interesting to sit down a little and think about how you managed to get through those 8 months without harming. What are the things that were helping you lately? I bet you still felt those urges from time to time, yet you made it through, without hurting yourself.

The only thing keeping me going was the hope that once lockdown is over I’ll have the space and time to kill myself. That’s it. Death is my only hope, and self-harming is the only thing that helps cope with that.

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Thank you for your honesty, really. This is a very painful thought, and I wish you didn’t have to deal with this.

What if this lockdown was, indirectly, a good opportunity to actually change what’s giving you a hard time right now? Whether it’s self-harm urges, those suicidal thoughts, maybe also working on finding the peace and heal you’ve been deserving for a long time now, or clearing your relationships/setting boundaries you might need. Also gathering resources, safe networks such as here, to bring you the strength you need and will need in times to come. I personally found myself navigating in some very dark places of my mind during this lockdown. It felt like moving backwards… if not deeper. It brought me back to old traumas. Somehow I was forced to make changes in my life: going to therapy again, stopping some relationships, creating new bonds - especially in this community -, exploring new hobbies, reflecting on what I want and what I don’t want anymore. It’s not easy on a daily basis, I didn’t want to deal with all this, but it is worth it.

I understand what you mean by saying that death is your only hope. But it is actually the end of everything my friend, including hope. You know that already. There’s a quality of life you didn’t get until now. A care and understanding you certainly didn’t receive. But you deserve those things. And it’s not unreachable. :hrtlegolove:

You shared about you, about your story lately. And I would never insult you by trying to make fake promises. Though there is more to see and experience in this life than the painful events you’ve been through. And there is so much more life in yourself than you’d probably like to admit. I know it hurts to try… I really do. Yet you are worth it. You, your heart, your soul are worth the efforts it takes to move forward. :hrtlegolove:

Death is the only way out of this nightmare. I’ve been cut off from friends, stuck with toxic people, meds doing nothing. I don’t have any control over my life. Those things you suggested are all out of reach. If death is the destruction of hope, then there is no hope. And with no hope, I’d gladly take death. I’m sorry if this lets you down.

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This doesn’t let me down, don’t worry about me/there’s no need to apologize, really. :hrtlegolove: I think it’s good to be honest about those things and share your thoughts as they are. There’s usually not a lot of places where we can discuss about topics that are often perceived with a lot of stigmas, such as suicide.

As I see you sharing a lot of encouragement on this forum, including to people who consider ending their life, I would like to ask: what makes you believe that what you say to others is different when it is about you, besides how you feel about your life and your future?

Those things you suggested are all out of reach.

What makes it out of reach?

For example, I see that you are here right now, and you’ve been on this forum for a certain time now. It’s just an extremely small overlook at what you might access to right now, but I believe it’s already something important. And with an online connection, certainly not the only resource accessible these days. But it needs you to open those doors, indeed. And that’s what this community is made for. Encouraging each other to make healthy decisions and finding the right resources when life gets really hard.

Well, the time I am on here is spent worrying whether someone will walk in the room and see my on here. I’m not supposed to be on here, or talking to anyone. If my mom found out, I’d be cut off from everything. It is things like this that make my situation different from others, to answer your question. I’m thirteen, cut off from my friends, limited and secretive access to this forum, and no control of my life. I’m always told that once I’m 18, I can move out and get away from my family. But that’s 5 whole years. I’ve been in this hell for about 3, I don’t want to put myself through another 5. And since I’ve already attempted and that’s what resulted in me being cut off from everything, having my phone taken away, for good likely, I don’t want to lose what little connections I have if I’m forced to live. I’m getting out as soon as I can, and I’ll support others while I wait for the day I end this.

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I hear you. Even though the perspective of being 18yrs old one day with all the freedom it implies, you are still young and still living in the present moment. That thought of being grown enough one day to leave my family gave me hope as I grew up, but it was still difficult on a daily basis. It doesn’t change the reality we live in. Which doesn’t mean there is no hope either… But I get what you mean.

I can understand the idea behind cutting you off from your phone, etc. if you attempted suicide and were vulnerable. Though that sounds to be very restrictive. And as you said, we need social connections. Especially this year that happens to be isolating on so many aspects.

May I ask how a day looks like for you lately? What are you used to do despite the fact that you don’t have control over a lot of things right now? Online schooling? Maybe other things?

Well, first of, she said she’d give me my phone back a year ago. She didn’t. However, using the vulnerability you mentioned, she made me change the password “to something we’d both know” and after that refused to give it back. Plus, it’s no like I was on social media and exposing myself a lot on the internet. It was nothing more than watching YouTube videos and scrolling through Reddit, with an occasional comment on either platform. And if not that, talking to my friends. So just wanted to clear that up just in case you believed my mom cared for me even a bit after I came out.

So a normal day for me consists of online school, going outside for like a half-hour on my bike, taking the dog out a couple times throughout the day, my piano practice, and playing games on my computer. I’ll occasionally try to reach a friend, but to no avail. I talk on here obviously, but only when my mom thinks I’m changing, so my time is relatively limited on here. I’m sorta used to it, but as a whole I’ll never get used to my life the way it is.

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So just wanted to clear that up just in case you believed my mom cared for me even a bit after I came out.

Thank you for taking the time to share about this. :hrtlegolove: I hear that your relationship with your mom is very complex and I’ll never allow myself to make conclusions about it. It is not my role nor my right. Though I believe you and the fact that how you feel is valid.

Did you have the possibility to talk together about that and ask her to change those “rules”?

I’m sorta used to it, but as a whole I’ll never get used to my life the way it is.

What’s the most difficult for you in your life as it is right now?

I see that you have hobbies, and even if not often, a bit of opportunities to conenct to others. Though I’m aware that this is not everything and it doesn’t prevent someone to feel bad about their life or themselves. For example, if you knew me right now, you could tell that my situation “irl” is far from being the worst I’ve known, but there are still some dark clouds such as depression, past traumas and family struggles that are affecting me deeply.