I just started writing whatever came to my head. Hope this makes some sense

HeartSupport Support
1

School is coming up in a few weeks and I’m already anxious about that. People expect me to do good, because (they say) I’m smart, good at stuff, bla bla bla while I’m over here given up on life.

My meds aren’t doing anything, and I cannot get any appointments with my doctor to possibly change them or something, so I’m sitting here wasting money on stuff that don’t work at all.

Let’s be honest, who would even care if I just killed myself. My family, I guess. But that’s what, 3? maybe 4 people? And they’ll get over it eventually, while if I kept living, I’ll probably be a burden on them for all their life.

I’ll probably drop out of school, then waste the rest of my life working on shitty jobs until I die. The only “thing” I’m “”"“good”""" at is computers, programming, but all jobs about that requires school, also good luck finding anything good in this shitty country.

“Leave your country then” I hear you saying. “Go travel and make friends and bla bla bla” but it’s not that easy, is it? Tell me, is it really as easy as just typing it out?

I’m just tired of, well, everything. I’m lonely, I’m useless, I’m a burden, I can’t even put it into words how much I hate myself.

Even video games don’t work as a distraction anymore. I’m just stuck in front of my computer, continuously refreshing Reddit, Youtube, looking for something to waste my time, to distract me from life.

Anyways, that’s how I’m feeling right now. Feel free to ask more questions if you want.

2 Likes
2

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling so hopeless. I’ve been there and it really really sucks. We care about you and your life is so valuable. You are not a burden for feeling hopeless, you are not unloved, you’re not useless. You are also not alone in feeling that way, feeling overwhelmed by life and life’s expectations, or hating yourself. You can get through this and you can experience relief. The medication you’re currently taking may not be a fit but you can find something that is.

You can get through this time of feeling hopeless. You are valuable and enough right now as you are. You are loved. We are here for whenever you need to share your thoughts and feeling or reach out. Heart Support also has a book called Dwarf Planet that helped me to find a bit more direction in getting through a recent low point. It didn’t solve all my problems but just helped me ask myself questions to get more clarity and direction from where I was at.

1 question for you is, what is one thing that makes you feel rested? Even if it’s a small thing. For me, it’s snuggling my dog.

2 Likes
3

I already ordered my copy, just hoping it arrives quickly, though I’m used to waiting that long for stuff to arrive, so no big deal if it doesn’t.

Thinking about it, I’d say being awake early in the morning kinda helps, but not that much. That might also explain my screwed up sleep schedule, like how it’s 3, almost 4 AM where I live.

Also, thanks for your reply :)

2 Likes
4

What you write makes a lot of sense.

I will tell you this.

The world will NOT be a better place without you. and getting over a death never happens… you learn to live with the pain but it will never get better.

You have potential and ambition. you just thinking about leaving your own country to follow your own ambition shows that!.

2 Likes
5

Well, doing isn’t as easy as thinking, is it?

Also, it’s not much to do with “ambition”, as I don’t think that many people would want to live in a place where even Wikipedia of all things are inaccessible without any kind of VPN or proxy.

Still, thanks for your reply :)

6

Awesome, I hope it’s helpful for you too in some way!
Do you like being awake at that time of day because it’s quiet?

1 Like
7

I don’t really know the reason, to be honest. It just feels nice.

1 Like