I just wanna die

im so done. fuck life. theirs nothing left for me anymore. my parents hate me. and im 12 i just wonder if im better off dead. my step mom works at my school. and the teachers know if they tell on me for something stupid im in trouble.im scared of death. but im young and scared . ive started cutting again. everyone thinks im the kid thatss fine.but im not.my parents dont suspect a thing.i go to bed hopeing ill never wake up again. imgetting bad marks 0s to be exact and im done.its painful to keep this in me it hurts. i just wanna get up and screem. but i cant do that . its hard to deal with depprsion. in gr 6 i thot it was over. it wasnt it always comess back . always. i try drinking or smoking pot but it doesnt helpno very many people understand whatits like getting up and feeling that heavy weight just to have a breakdown and die die die die die .sometimes the pain feels good.i just cant. fuck. i see a wire or a pencil shapener or pills or a gun or if im up high i wonder what if i do ityeah do it do it henry feel the glory of dieing and getting the fuck out of my life do it do it do it do it . the pain. it make s me scared terrifed of that cord scared.im done so done tomorrow im gonna get yelled at no one knows. if people knew they wouldent treat me like shit they would treat me good. knowing of whats happening im my tiny litttle brain as my dad would say i just wanna go. i want people to stop what they are doing im not happy anymore ever just seeing the people who trat me like this wants me to break down. srry for wasting ur thime

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Hey friend,
Please please know that your life has value. You are incredibly young and so much more is ahead of you. Please check out the HeartSupport resources available to you. There is a book called Rewrite that helps deal with self-harm and also videos on YouTube on the HeartSupport channel that are encouraging for the very things you are talking about. I’m going to keep checking back here and hope you reply. I care about you. I’m sorry things are so tough right now with your parents and at school. It can feel overwhelming and like no one cares. You are cared for, friend. Please talk to an adult in your life about how you are feeling. It is important that you know how you are feeling, you are not alone.

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Hey friend,

I can’t imagine what it’s like feeling completely trapped in your life…having to pretend that you’re fine to live this lie that you can barely stand making…it feels like it sucks all of the energy out of you just to pretend that you’re okay so that when your’e not around people, you have no energy left to fight off these terrifying thoughts that haunt you all the time. It feels like you hear the voices of people who’ve scarred you ripping through your mind as you try to live a normal life, and it feels like you’re constantly being robbed and assaulted…like their words are tearing away at the very fabric of your being, and you’re doing literally all you can to try to escape them, numb them, silence them, or fuck it give in to them…it feels like there’s nothing you can do – who can you call for help? Your parents? They’re part of the problem. Your school? Your parents are part of the school. You feel trapped. Who else can help? Your friends? It feels like there’s no one that would understand or be able to help even if they did…you feel like you’re suffocating and you’re trapped inside this invisible box that no one can see you suffering, but you’re withering before their very eyes, and you don’t know what to do about it.

First off, thank you so much for writing in…I know it takes an insane amount of courage to let loose these internal thoughts because it gives people the chance to tell you you’re crazy. Here’s some good news: you’re not crazy. It makes total sense why you feel the way you feel. Anyone trapped in a corner feels panic set in and tries to find a way out…but it feels like you’ve been in that corner for so long, you don’t know what to do, it’s eating you alive. I get that, friend. I remember being in a similar spot myself. I felt worthless all day every day with every single moment as another reminder of the gaping hole that I felt in my existence. It felt like all I lived for was the chance to get my own kind of high and try to squeeze as much life out of my addictions as possible, and I could never get high enough to escape my own thoughts at the end of the night…they’d always come crashing back down no matter how hard I tried to run away all day…the bill always came in the end. And I couldn’t see the point of my life, WTF is the point if it’s just going to be like this every day for the rest of my life…worthless, alone, escape…no hope, no nothing. I felt completely and utterly alone in everything I was going through and didn’t talk to anyone about it…

Until I found community. A group of people who actually gave a shit about me when they asked the question, “How are you?” They actually wanted to know the answer, not the pretend one that I gave everyone else. I found my community at a youth group at a church…seemed like a really unlikely place for me, because I was an emo metalhead who wore skinny jeans, band shirts, and long hair all the time. Originally I just went to the church to play in the band so I could date girls, but what I found there was a group of people who gave a shit, and it changed me. It gave me something to look forward to, it was the one light in my life that I lived from week to week holding out for. I began to have some of the pastors meet with me and invest in me. I had friends I could call or text or talk to when I was low…or at least hang out with to help me cope in a better way than my addictions…it gave me an environment where I was safe to fail and be loved anyways…I started to feel worthy…and it changed me.

One of the things I’d encourage you to do is this: don’t try to do this alone. It’s so important that you know that you’re not the only person struggling with these kinds of feelings and thoughts – I struggled with them myself – and I’m happy to report that there is hope…I haven’t felt depressed in ten years! There was a turning point, and life truly changed. Those thoughts don’t haunt me anymore, and you can find freedom too. But I didn’t do it by myself, and I don’t know anyone in all of the conversations I’ve had with people over the past 7 years working for HeartSupport that have been able to pull themselves out of their own hole. You need other people. You need other people.

So there’s a few options…the easiest / most accessible option would probably be to leverage HeartSupport as you can, because it’s something that can live in your pocket. But this isn’t meant to be the end point. You can view our livestreams at twitch.tv/heartsupport and join our Discord (an instant chat app with others from our community where you can talk about more than just the negative stuff… discord.gg/heartsupport ). You can keep posting back on here when you need to vent. And this will at least connect you to other humans who can hear you, understand you, and encourage you. But then it’s going to be important for you to find a place to belong wherever it is that you live. A church can be a good place to go to if you can find the right one, and that can be tough to do. A counselor is a really good idea (I personally have a counselor through betterhelp.com because HeartSupport has a partnership with them, but it still costs money, so if that’s not an option your parents would support, no problem). There are recovery groups like the 12 steps or other programs that are specifically built for teens that might be better fit for you. But the point is you have options. And if you need help sifting through those options you can shoot me an email at [email protected] - if you shoot me an email, be serious about finding help, because I will be serious about finding you help if you ask for it. You aren’t alone in this, friend. There is hope for you. Life won’t be this way forever. It truly does get better. And you have the opportunity because of the courage you have in opening up here to get some support in taking more immediate steps to get there. Well done! Keep going!



Hey @NoMORE,

You don’t waste the time of anyone here. Thank you for being here and sharing about what’s going on in your life. You matter. You have the right to say it when you’re not okay. And if you don’t find a place where you could express that, then this community will always remain a safe place for you. You’re dealing with a lot of things right now and you’ve been really brave by sharing it. I hope you’re doing okay since you wrote your message. We care about you and you don’t deserve any pain. Please, consider checking on the different resources Stafflower and Nate shared with you. There’s always be someone to hear you, to understand and give you support here.

Sending much Love to you. :heart:

thanks for undrestanding

@NoMORE 12 years aold and smoking weed and drinking .I know the feeling man trying to mask the pain with drugs and alcohol it just makes you feel horrible and makes your mind go all over the place. Life is precious my dude don’t need to feel this way there is hope and life isn’t gonna be this way forever your gonna make it. It just takes faith and asking for help rather than keeping in your demons letting it go and talking about it is the first part of healing and I was you 4 years ago. Minus the self-harm but in a way drinking and smoking was that. While I still struggle with depression I have found other ways to cope with music and drinking tea everyday as a ritual with writing and just doing the things that will better myself. I know God has plans man for all of us if you don’t believe it’s OK but I do believe it for everyone.