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I just wanna end it (TW)

I was so, so close to just slitting my wrist right now. I could stop myself in the last second, but I just want to go back to the bathroom and do it.

I was always the person, that gives people hope and tells them encouraging words. But I am too exhausted for that, at this point. I’m too tired to think of encouraging words.

I feel like I‘m just running around in circles, never actually getting better. I have tried so hard, to get better. I talked to my parents, I went to see therapists. I have barely eaten the last three days, I feel like I don’t deserve to. I honestly want to stop eating at all. I feel like such a piece of shit. The thought of food makes me sick. Just thinking of eating something makes me wanna throw up. I just wanna die.

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Hey friend, proud of you for resisting against this urge to hurt yourself. AND to reach out. That’s really brave of you. :heart:

I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so low. I have no doubt that you’ve been trying your best for a long time. And unfortunately, sometimes, we hit rock bottom and it feels like nothing will get better. But it will, friend. There’s hope, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. And until it feels a little better, you have friends right here to keep you company. :heart:

Is there anything you could try to do to take care of yourself right now? Something you enjoy, something that warms your heart or just help you to focus. The things you are feeling right now are very intense, and it’s important to take the time you need to let it pass. Just step by step.

I’ve been listening to music, reading, drawing etc. Just trying to take my mind off the things going on right now. I’m feeling a tiny bit better now, that I have actually cried for a few minutes.

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Hey there, thank you so much for coming to talk to us and share what you are going through @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease

It can be really hard to be the caretaker, and the person who is the one who frequently uplifts others. I know I have a bad habit of putting my needs on the back burner for others and eventually ignoring them causing more trouble for myself. It is okay to be tired. You cannot pour from an empty cup, as they say. It is really good to recognize when you need a break.

I have struggled with disordered eating for 6 years, and I know how you feel. When my self worth tanks, I feel the same way you do. I am so appreciative of you coming here today to let us tell you how much you matter, and that you are worthy. I want to see you healthy and thriving, and we both know that can’t happen without nutrition. When you are struggling it can all seem to pile up, but I would like to learn more about you if you want, hear your story, and I really do care about you. I want you to stay, to nourish yourself, and be here to tell others about how you have made it through this difficult time. You deserve to live :hrtlegolove:

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@HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease I wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond, it means a lot. And I’m glad you’ve been focusing on something different. You deserve to take care of yourself, especially when you feel highly vulnerable. :heart:

I’ve been listening to music, reading, drawing etc.

Those are some incredible tools to bring some joy to your heart, indeed! I saw on your profile that you love photography too! It sounds that you have many passions and that’s awesome. Those are activities I personally love too. I hope it’s been helpful to you, to release the pain in a healthy way, but also just to allow yourself to be and exist as you are. Crying is healthy too, even if it’s uncomfortable. :heart:

It sounds that you’ve been very strong for many people. It’s awesome to be supportive and care about others. Giving your time, attention and encouragement is a gift you provided to others. Now you need that love for yourself too. :heart:

How is it going on your end these days?

@Micro Thank you, for you kind respond. <3

The past few days were honestly exhausting. I kept on getting small panic attacks out of nowhere. I have no idea, what the triggers are so it’s hard to avoid them. Yesterday, I spent my whole day hanging out with two of my closest friends. It was a pretty decent day and I was able to distract myself, but around evening I got a panic attack again and almost started crying. I had no idea why, though. So, yeah. It’s pretty tiring lately.

@HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease Jeez, I’m so sorry. Panic attacks are scary. I didn’t have intense panic attacks for years now, but I’ll never forget how it feels.

Indeed, it’s hard to identify the triggers. Anything can be potentially triggering and connecting the dots can be hard, especially if you’re exhausted already. You mentioned that you’ve seen therapists before, was it helpful to you? For example, to help you identify those triggers or learn how to manage a panic attack when you’re experiencing one.

and almost started crying

I can only encourage you to cry when you need it. And you know what? It doesn’t matter if there’s people around. Just because there will always be judging people anyway, some who don’t understand what they’re talking about. When you feel in distress, what matters is you and only you. You are your own priority. :slight_smile:

There’s a healing effect in doing this. For your mind, but also your body. Being anxious, stressed, overwhelmed is also something you experience physically. Our body needs to release that stress, and it can be through tears - even if it’s exhausting. I experienced a burnout when I was studying, years ago. And I remember having this conversation with a doctor who was like: “hey, if you need to go out and just hug a tree because that’s what you want, then hug the damn tree okay?”. :smile: Was a great speech to let go of all the shame and guilt to feel how I felt.

As it’s the week-end now, I hope you’ll be able to have a break and some time for yourself. To do things you enjoy, or even embrace the sun outside if it’s there. Take your time to have small breaks, to breathe, to listen to the silence and ground yourself in the present moment. You are safe where you are. :heart:

I’ve been going to different therapists for about four years now? I think.
None of them were actually helpful, though. I am currently seeing another one, who is really nice, actually. I definitely feel more comfortable around him, than the others. But I can’t really build up the courage to actually talk about my problems with him. I’ve always had that problem. I never liked talking about what troubles me, always pushed it back and put others first. But also, the moment I actually try to talk about it, my mind goes blank. Every time I get asked, why I am in therapy by my therapists, I don’t have an answer. I just don’t know.

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None of them were actually helpful, though.

I hear you. It’s hard to find the right one. It’s a matter of relationships and learning to trust each other… sometimes it doesn’t match and that’s okay. I’m glad you kept looking for a therapist with whom you’d feel comfortable. And I’m really glad to hear about your current therapist.

Though, it’s okay to take your time to trust him. For what it’s worth, I’ve been where you are now. It’s hard for me to trust others /w myself - even professionals. So if it’s about discussing painful or intimate things? No way. But there’s a reason behind this: it’s just how I learned to manage pain and sadness for as long as I can remember. I didn’t have a safe environment around me to actually share that kind of thing, for too many years. I was used to bottle up, cry in silence or when no one sees it. Just like you who’s used to put others first. So when I had to be in front of a therapist and respond to this question: “why are you on therapy?”. Wow. I’ve been repeatedly silent and very anxious, like my brain couldn’t function anymore.

You know that already, but the main purpose of a therapy is actually this. To provide you a safe and healthy environment where you can get things off your chest without any judgment and despite your fears. You can see it as a place where you can try, eventually fail or succeed, then try again. It’s okay not to know how to really talk to them yet. Take your time.

Maybe something that could help is to share about this struggle, if you didn’t yet. To say, directly: “I don’t know how to express myself with you/I have no clue/I’m lost”, so he can try to help you for that. He can’t guess what’s preventing you to discuss unless you let him know. You can give him some clues for a better mutual understanding, so he can try to progress with you. If you are more comfortable with writing, maybe it can be something you could use as well. Writing him a note, a letter, or even a drawing. Something that could help you to communicate in a more comfortable way.

Every time I get asked, why I am in therapy by my therapists, I don’t have an answer. I just don’t know.

The reason why they ask this is to be able to progress in an effective way with you, also to have kind of small goals. It’s also a way to let you guide them because you have all the resources you need in yourself already, and their role is to be a facilitator in your life. But it’s okay if you don’t know how to respond at first. You don’t need to have all the answers. I think a lot of people who decide to go on therapy are lost when they start to go there. Just because we’re more likely to make this decision of reaching out when we’re really down and overwhelmed. In other words, when we need some clarity. So we’re actually seeking answers but don’t really know how and what. Therapists are used to that. It’s okay.

It’s also an interesting question to keep in mind for you everytime you see him. Maybe you don’t know why you’re on therapy, but you can always decide: okay, this session, I want us to work on this thing precisely. It’s a first step. :heart:

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Thank you so, so much for all your replies.
It was really good to have someone that understands and that heard you :heart:

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