My name is Alice and I just want somebody to listen, to make me feel just a tiny bit important. I don’t know how to start… I guess I’ll start with the most important. I hate myself, and i know a lot of people dislike themselves, and i know I’m not special but I just have enough of me. You know? I just can’t do anything right. You could say I’m a failure, a loser, I’d agree. I despise myself, i feel like everyday gets worse, i mess up more and more and it just doesn’t stop. I beat myself up for it, i want to hurt myself for the mistakes i make. If anyone were to ask me what I like about myself I think I’d just sit there, silent. I go to sleep crying sometimes feeling guilty for making others around me sad and upset. You see, i don’t have any friends, not one i could tell all of this to, and i am just so so sick of not having anyone to talk to, anyone to understand. I honestly don’t even know if I’ll post this, or if anyone will see this. I apologise if I ever accidentally share my feelings in a conversation with family because I feel like these feelings i have towards myself are all my fault. It feels as if I’m just slowly losing everyone I’ve loved, as if they are just becoming distant because I’m too self centered thinking about myself and my problems when they don’t matter. When there are so many other people fighting against depression or anxiety and I’m over here complaining about myself. It’s really hard for me to let myself write this, i just don’t share my feelings because they are nothing compared to what some people go through. I just wish someone, anyone can take the time to read this, it would mean a lot, to mean something in this world…
First off, welcome to HeartSupport! You came to the right place.
Just because other people have depression and self-loathing doesn’t mean yours sucks less or matters less. We’re all guilty of trying to downplay how bad we feel compared to others, but sometimes we need to listen to the advice we give those other people about standing up for themselves. You’re allowed to acknowledge that you’re not okay, and people just like you who are downplaying their own depression will come out and support you. That’s where a lot of the support on this site comes from.
I think if you let your family members in, slowly and one or two at a time, you may find sympathy rather than repulsion. They may be distancing themselves because you’re putting up walls, which is the opposite of being selfish in a more conventional sense. Not everyone is so lucky with their families, and I can’t guarantee that your family will embrace you with open arms, but transparency may be worth a shot. Again, our depression tells us the lies that we don’t matter and no one else will care, and that is not usually the case.
I know the feeling of my stuff being “nothing compared to what some people go through.” I didn’t go through any physical or sexual trauma, and a lot of my emotional trauma was of my own making (or at least that’s what I believe). Even so, for a long time I was really sick; I still have bad days, weeks, and months; and I have been taking meds and doing counseling regularly for 8 years now to manage my feelings of inadequacy. My depression isn’t less or inferior because its roots aren’t as traumatic, it’s still something that I have to manage every day. So too is yours. Coming here and telling a page full of strangers about this is an acknowledgment that what you’re feeling isn’t okay, and it’s your first step toward recovery. I wish you well, and keep us posted here!
Thank you so so much. It means so much to me that someone took the time to read that. I can’t really express my gratitude in words but know I’m very grateful. Thank you for helping me, for inviting me into this community with open arms. Thank you for the advice and for caring enough to write back such a beautiful and uplifting message, seriously i don’t know how to thank you
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