Okay so yeah you know that little niche community I’m in. I think I’m done with that because trolls reported my account and now I’m on a two day suspension where I can’t post anything for a little while.
And I think the only reason I stay is because I’m lonely and being alone has always been painful for me. On top of that I have like only one to three people who even care to communicate with me on a daily basis.
Its just so easy to get someone to pay attention to you there.
And now I’m back to square one where I have practically nothing and no one and it feels like absolute hell and I have no where to go. I have nothing. And I don’t want to go back to that place. I just want to go somewhere I am loved and missed and appreciated and given undivided attention when I need it.
And I don’t think a place like that exists for me.
And sometimes its feels like a blessing and a curse to be able to feel and express so much emotional intensity. I can mostly articulate what I want and what I need emotionally and how I feel, even in the presence of shame I want to be heard. And it continues get harder to keep it all inside. And I know I can use my sensitivity to help other people but it also feels like I’m constantly burning inside when I feel a negative emotion.
I want someone to see me but I especially want someone to recognize those feelings and take them in, and to take me into them too. I want reassurance, I want an emotional home, a safe space. I want to feel okay, understood, and loved for who I am.
Though I feel I’m constantly on the other end, trying to provide a home for others I care about with no one to do the same for me.
And people are always telling me to just love myself. But how do I love myself, how I can even do that. I feel like I’ve tried everything and not much has changed, I still want people around me.
And I know what I want but I don’t know how to get it. I feel like an alien and I will forever be just some mystery that people have a hard time understanding. Some sort of puzzle to solve.
I wanted all the things you want and I found them here at Heart Support. We have a wonderful community and we have invited you and we hear and support you every time you post here. We care about you and see you, Amaris
That’s a blessing. Some people don’t have anyone to talk to.
I can relate to this 100%. When I get triggered, my insides got hot like I’m burning. Do you feel that too?
“Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don´t know what’s worse, drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst.”
That’s a quote I found that describes my emotions the best.
Being validated is something that I need (one of the main things in people with BPD) and the awesome lovely people here at Heart Support have given me that time and time again.
I hope you will see that here you matter and you are valuable.
i am also guilt of saying “learn to love yourself” sometimes, but sometimes we don’t stop to think how possible that is. Sometimes the sense of self is less-internal and more a reflection of those around us.
Sometime it isn’t just about finding things about ourselves that we like, you’ve made me think. And maybe there is no easy solution. @Mystrose has some amazing insight here too, and it may be useful for you to ponder on it.