I haven’t been on here in months. I have stepped back to really take time to heal and go into groups to discuss my story. I’m accepting that I was in a narcissistic/emotionally abusive relationship for the past three years. I wanted to believe that the way he treated me needed to be excused due to his messed up childhood. When things were good with us, I felt on top of the world…we shared the same sense of humor, both have a bipolar diagnosis where we strongly relate, both enjoy a lot of the same activities. So it was complicated. The good times were really good, but the bad times were a disaster. The lies he told made me continuously question the truth about us…about myself. I felt crazy with my lack of trust and desperate to make anything work. I held so much in because discussing things that bothered me would result in him yelling at me and tearing apart my character. I have other posts on this so I’m not going to go on and on about what happened.
I’m six months out of this relationship. Some days I still cry. It’s the longest I’ve been away from him. It’s like coming out of an addiction. I called him a few times within the last few months and I always feel myself getting attached and upset so I’ve cut contact.
You feel like you slowly start to wake up and see the reality of everything.
But what I want to discuss is having a friend who doesn’t understand. I’m not even made that he doesn’t understand but he’s also cool with my ex. He says it’s my fault for going back to him and said my ex has a lot of issues he’s working through. Someone who says something like this makes you feel crazy…when the reality is, it’s more complicated than just getting up and leaving. Leaving is one of the hardest things I ever had to do in this life. In these relationships, you always hold that slice of hope that’s promised when a good time occurs in the relationship…like maybe if you try again…those good times can last longer and the both of you can work through the issues together and make it to the finish line that marks “life partner”. I just wanted to help him through the healing of his past. I loved him for all his good and bad and I hope he does find healing/peace in this life…even if it’s not healthy for me to be around.
I don’t know if I want to stay friends with this person who says it’s my fault for staying. It’s triggering and creates a lack of trust. If anything, I’m definitely going to put the relationship at a distance. I don’t want to feel crazy. I want to heal. I want to feel the hard emotions…and I don’t want to be judged and told “you decide when you get to move on” or “you need to move on”. This shit takes time.
Back in December, after I broke up with him, I ended up in the hospital. I couldn’t take the pain anymore…it hurt more than anything I ever felt. And it’s hard because I hid a lot of the relationship from those I love. When it comes to family, only my sisters know. I hid the relationship from a lot of my friends. I also lost friends for constantly going back and forth with him and being a mess. I’m not mad at these people but I’m tired. So so tired. Some days are good, other weeks I just want to lay in bed. I just want to know that I can take my time and not rush. I want to be heard after shutting myself up for a long time… and believed. Please please believe me.
