Well its been 2 days since i found out he died. I thought i would be okay i felt alright as long as i was playing video games or just distracted myself in general. I havent cried for a fear that i would scare my sisters. i skipped dinner twice and have eaten the absolute minimal. I thought i could get throught this and that i would be used to death like this by now but im not. Ive had this constant feeling and thoughts about how i let him down. how i let everyone down by letting it happen. I stopped talking to most of my close friends because they have all their own problems to deal with im scared i will just burden them and my whole life i felt like since all this dumb shits happened to me i feel like i take the attention away from those who need it most honestly i feel terrible for even writing this right now but i dont know what to do. I feel lost and like i have terribly dissapointed everyone.
ever since he died i have started thinking about people and who I have failed and dissapointed. who i have screwed over and who I should be there for. I have a sibling who was adopted into another family when we were kids. the mother reached out to me telling me she would like me to be part of my siblings life and i deleted my social media to avoid it. i felt like i would only ever burden my sibling and now when i reached out the mother decided to block me and not let me be part fo my siblings life. i dont know if this is just me being manic or what but ever since he died i’ve felt like i should do things before its too late. ive been such a bad sister to so many lovely children.
the pain i feel in my chest when i think about all the people i have thrown out of my life it just hurts to a new level. i think im scared that i wont get to say goodbye. what if something happens to me or them and i cant say sorry for being such a terrible sister such a terrible friend idek. Ive had so many people die on me and i couldnt say goodbye or sorry. I cant stop thinking and i just want it to stop. its a torrent of thoughts i would do anything to make stop.
When i try to sleep i think about them all and i think of how much better i should have been. i think about what a shit dad my dad was when they were alive i think about everything and i cant do anything but blame myself. I wish i could be a better person.
in the time that it took for me to think about this (all weekend) i have developed a enw hate for myself and i dont know what to do anymore i just dont know. im filled with grief, and hate, and just in general i thought i would be fine. i just want it to stop.
Hey there,
I am so very sorry for your loss and the grief you have been experiencing not only now but in the past as well. It sounds like his passing has brought up a lot for you and it has been so very painful and overwhelming.
I want to say that just because everyone else may be dealing with their own problems, it does not mean that your struggles are worth any less. You are not a burden by reaching out and sharing your hurt and sorrows. Keeping all of that inside really poisons us and makes it hard to see past all the pain and hurt we are in. So know that you are not a burden.
When we lose someone, grief can grip our hearts so very tightly and flood our head with regrets and what could we have done better, what could we have said, how could we have been better towards them and that is such a very heavy weight to carry. Although I do not know all the details it sounds like you are so very caring, maybe even to a fault in that you want to protect others so you just keep your pain to yourself. Being vulnerable and sharing such hurt is not easy and it can be scary but letting others carry that weight with you will help you find healing and process this loss and past losses as well. Everyone grieves in a different way and it definitely isn’t a linear process. So I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself during this process and know that you are not a burden, you are not a disappointment nor are you a failure. You are doing the best you can.
I am sorry for your loss. I know this level of grief where you do not get to say goodbye. Do not diminish your grief. Do not feel bad for reaching out to talk about it. If you need to speak with your friends, do so and you’ll see how understanding people become. You’re not getting in the way of anyone else’s life just because you share your pain. If I could go back and make better decisions on how I handled my grief I would because I just pushed it down for 9 years with alcohol so this year being sober it’s going to feel like a fresh wound. You are not a failure or disappointment just because you are having issues connecting with others. It can be a social anxiety. I know for me if I’ve endured too much of society I have this trigger that causes me to start be introverted. Not sure if I used the right words just then, but I hope you get it. Everyone’s grief is handled differently and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope you feel better soon and my inbox is there if you ever need it.
