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I just want to tell my story to somebody

My parents said that they believe in me, they trust me but it seems not. They ask me something to do and they are convinced that I did wrong. So I started to see myself as a failure, I started to lose my selfconfidence, to hate myself. Beside of this I’ve been abused mentally and physically by “friends”. I started to want to have a break in my life, those break who you don’t have to do anything. At this moment, I didn’t know but I was in depression and it still come in waves. I been bullied because I was me, a fat, ugly, stupid girl. I started to think that if I wasn’t here, it would be better for everybody.
I’m locking myself up. I’m alone with me and it’s hard. Being in my head is hard for me, I can see all the monsters I 've created to not be all alone. They were holding me when nobody were here.
I am this kind of girl who’s always smiling, hiding her sad feels behind her joy. This girl who’s always here to listen to you and help you to get better, who will not let you alone because she knows how much it hurt.

I am this girl who’s scared to be alone.

Now, I have an anxiety attack every three months.
Now, I gave the illusion of being selfconfident.
Now, I say that I’m strong and I fear nothing.

But, I know that I would like somebody to hug me and say “I know that it’s hard but I’m with you and I won’t let down”.

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I think you should talk to a school counseler or a therapist. He/She could help you overcome your anxiety and fears, build up your self confidence, and help you be happy.

I already did this, and this is why I’m here to find other opinions, to find an other way to get help. I talk about this with three therapists and I’m still here. It’s like a rollercoaster, sometimes up, sometimes down. I’m sensitive to those around me, their emotions, what they think about me, etc. And especially if they are hostiles. It’s actually the mood in my home and it’s why I don’t feel great.
(and I don’t think I need a therapist, I think I can handle it)

You are not fat, stupid, and ugly. You are beautiful. I stand firm in my opinion. Keep holding on :heart:.