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I just wanted to feel something real

Again I break down, last night sat outside in the storm, the rain hiding my tears, washing away the blood, the wind and thunder dampening my sobs, I know in my head this is wrong I see the scars new and old knowing it’s not right to do this but I want it to feel real, I want something physical to hurt something I can see that’s hurting not this feeling inside, something I can touch and understand
I’m 28 what the fuck is wrong with me,
Devoid and empty broken and alone I ask again and again why do I feel nothing for those around me I ask question after question yet I get more confused more distant from the answers
Why don’t I feel love for my family or friends
Why don’t I see a reason for my life
What is the point in this struggle
Why fight
Why do I have to pretend I care
Why do I have to wear this fake smile
Why WHY GOD DAMNIT WHY
What the fuck is wrong with me, what is this what am I doing here
My heart says I don’t care at all my mind tells me I’m wrong and forces me to act to pretend to care
I don’t want to pretend I don’t want to feel like I’m an alien, like I don’t belong
I’m 6,4 I’m 28 I studied I got qualifications
I should be sorted set for life, but yet I’m not I’m fucked up I’m different I’m strange and weird I fight with myself
I don’t understand any of this like I don’t know anything

1 Like

Hey Drake,

Thanks for posting and trusting this community with what you’re going through. Life is weird isn’t it? No one really asked us if we wanted to be born. We just kinda poof showed up, cried for a while, and started trying to figure it all out. And, the wisest people tell us, "No one has it all figured out. Which is all well and good, but how do you go on then?! What’s the point right?

You may find comfort in knowing that you do have a purpose here. And if you don’t think so - let me say it to you - you have purpose here. You are here for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, and it sounds like you don’t either. That’s where you start - that’s how you fight your way out of this thing.

Do whatever you have to do to understand what you’re here to do.

Answer this question, and let’s keep talking: who do you say you are?

2 Likes

Thank you for replying
how can you be so sure
How can you know that I have a reason
I’m not trying to pick a fight with you I know you replied to help me but I just get more questions more doubt
How do you know that I have a purpose
What the fuck is wrong with me why do I question the answers that others are satisfied with
Am I a defective product?
Should I be returned?

Of course; I got you. It may take me a few days to respond at times but I’ll reply God willing.

First let me say - don’t hold back. You can be mad at me that’s alright. Speak your mind; I’m listening.

I know you have a purpose because you are here. Against all the odds, against every dark thought and challenge you’ve faced, you are here. You being here, breathing, feeling the sun on your face, is a nonsensical miracle. Every life is. But for you specifically? How I know you have a purpose? Because you’re really pissed off that you don’t know what it is.

You know that you are here to do something. To love someone. To better the world. But you don’t know why, or how, or where to start. And you’re pissed, because if you don’t know what your purpose is, then does anything matter?! You’re mad that you don’t have your purpose, and then get even more upset because you feel like you should know what it is. I don’t blame you, and no one on this forum is going to blame you. Many of them, including me, are still doing the work of finding purpose.

So I have to come out and say it early - I can help you look for your purpose, but I can’t ultimately define it. Only you can. And look - don’t be satisfied with the answers others are satisfied with! Don’t settle. Don’t compromise. Keep pushing. Keep raging through the comfortable blackness until you’re holding your raw purpose in your hands. And when you’ll have it, you’ll know it’s your purpose because it was hard won. Your heart won’t be tricked. There’s no finding your purpose in a self help book. You’ve got to dig it out of the ground with your hands.

Alright let me get off my soapbox here. What do you believe? Did you go to church as a kid? Something else? Let’s start there. What is your worldview?

Would you consider this? YOU get to decide what your purpose is. Maybe your purpose isn’t some random idea you throw a line out to, to see what you catch and reel in. But you actively think about who you are and base it on what you are passionate about? And if you have no passion for something, base it on what your interests are. I’m
Hoping this helps. There is an answer, just a matter of discovering it.

Drake,

Man, this hits so close to home with me that it's scary! Every why question you stated above are questions that I asked myself for years and sometimes, they cross my mind again and again. I was in a place in life where I was absolutely miserable and just angry all the time and I'm not going to lie, I still do feel miserable sometimes. Like John said above, I too, am still trying to find my purpose in this crazy journey called life. and I believe that you, me, everyone on this earth is here for a reason. We have the ability to fight those negative thoughts, and drown them out. Keep asking yourself why you feel those feelings and think those thoughts, and what it is that's driving them into your mind and combat against them. HeartSupport has helped me to combat negative thoughts! I find sanctuary in this community and I hope that you will also. I also hope you'll continue to conversate with this community, because sometimes it's a huge relief to just talk, and get it all off your chest.