Lately I’ve been having more bad dreams, a few nights ago I fell asleep 3 times and woke up from a bad dream each time, and every time I woke up in the darkness of my room I saw things in the shadows, this just makes me sound crazy, I probably am, my life is deteriorating, my relationship is going astray, my gpa is below 2.0 (which is reason enough to end my life since I can’t go to college), I’m 17 and I’ve lived 17 years to long, and the only options I see left for me in life are making music, and if that doesn’t work out, killing my self by the end of highschool, that’s the dead line I’ve given my self, I have until then or else that’s my only option, I struggled through all those years of life to fail in the end, all that schooling, I was considered extremely advanced in elementary school, and did very well in middle school, but it all means nothing now, all of those years mean nothing, all of that life means nothing, and all of the good moments I could’ve had were never really an option for me anyway I suppose, I feel more scared of life then I do death I think, and now at this point in my life, im nearing the part where I’ll have to end it, the world always hated me, It never gave me any truths or any friends, every friend I ever made up to this point in my life moved away, my elementary school friends moved away, then middle school came and my friends went to a different school, then highschool came and when I finally made a new best friend he moved away over the summer, I remember when my sophomore year started, and My coding class finally came, me and my friend used to sit right next to each other, and we both loved anime, and we both loved snacks, I would bring snacks every class for us to eat, then my first coding class back, none of my friends were in any of my classes, I had no friends at my lunch period, and the place I sat at the back of the class in coding which use to be the spot for me and my friend, was now just me, me alone, and to top it all off I had to repeat biology, I was the only one who had to repeat biology in my class, purely from the problems I had with my teacher, I remember thinking all these thoughts at once I almost broke down into a mess during coding, I had to go to the bathroom and calm my self and wipe the tears away, but I guess I’m getting off topic, I don’t know if I should be writing here, I guess I just like it, or I guess I just like saying this somewhere it can be seen as stupid and narcissistic that is, it’s been a while since then, I’ve been through a lot more, there’s not a soul alive that know how deep all of this goes in my mind, how wrong everything is for me
User1,
Man, feels like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong – well except a chance at music, but if that doesn’t go right, then it /does/ feel like everything has gone wrong. Every friend, gone. Every chance, evaporated. Every point of your life feels like it’s just sand blowing away. You’re genuinely trying to hold onto those last few grains, but it feels like a fat chance. And in the meantime, you are spending every day ruminating through all of the shit that you’ve been through, and it feels too much. It feels like the longer you mull it over, the deeper the hole in your mind goes, and every time you return, you fall all the way down…only to go deeper and deeper…the darkness, the sadness, the loneliness, it feels suffocating. But at the same time, the thought of having suffocated feels better than the process of it.
Honestly man, there’s so much here I can relate to. I remember my junior/senior of high school and felt the same way. Everyone in my class made fun of me, I hated my classes and the work and felt like I was constantly failing…IDK, it was like I never stacked up in any area of my life no matter how hard I tried (kind of like the feeling of being the only one in your Bio class that had to redo it…the feeling of being exposed as the only failure on the planet, the only loser). I spent all of my time just trying to run away from those thoughts – seems like you have courage to face them, even though it’s hell – so I just played a /ton/ of video games and watched a ton of porn. Eventually I just kind of let my life succumb to those vices; I’d bring a notepad into my classes and write strategies for the video games I was playing and completely tune out class. I’d speed home so that I could get to my computer faster. I just let my life become about running, as far and as fast as I could, away from my problems. I remember every night, I’d spin around in my chair when I powered my comp down, and I felt the weight of my depression land on me. I hated my life, and I didn’t think there was any point to it – if this is it, if this is all there is to my life for the next 70 years or whatever, what even is the point?
You are not alone in what you’re feeling, friend. Though my situation was different, I remember feeling similar feelings. The path out of that shithole was miraculous…a random friend reached out and invited me to play in his band at church, which was a massive opportunity to get a girlfriend (ha), so I said yes. Eventually I found friends there who cared about me, and that became the one blip of hope I had every week. It led me to a foundation of faith and a relationship with God that obliterated my feelings of loneliness and emptiness. My life hasn’t been perfect, but I’m a decade removed from that now, and I can say safely – I really am happy. I don’t have those suicidal thoughts anymore; I feel hopeful, I feel purposeful, I feel like my life matters, and I’m enjoying it.
I couldn’t have calculated or created my own way out; I didn’t divine a way for me to find hope…it kind of just found me because I hung on. I kept making the choice to put one foot in front of the other, and then things started to change, slowly, over time, and then all at once, my life was better. The point is that you’re not actually beyond hope. You’ve made friends before that have really changed your overall feelings about life. Those friends won’t be your last. You’ll find others who are awesome too, and you’ll make new connections, and you’ll find new purposes for your life and your passion. I mean you’re learning how to code – that’s one of the coolest skills in the world, dude. I have a team of developers volunteering for HeartSupport right now, and they’re going to change the world!!
You never know what is around the corner of your life. But I do know that when things seem to be at their darkest, that means you’re closest to the dawn.
I’m glad you wrote here, because you are not alone. Thank you for your courage.
-Nate
well I understand what you’re feeling. Except when i feel those same feelings i feel guilty because I know I shouldn’t feel that way, I know that God has given me so much, helped me so much. I literally have a “perfect” life and am surroudned be “perfect” people which makes the smallest imperefections in me amplified and put under a magnifiying glass. It’s just so bad because I know that “all i have to do is” try. Just try to right, but that’s the problem: I’ve been trying for the past 6 years but nothing has gotten any better. Recently those small imperfections and shortcomings have become bigger and bigger. Everyone and everything in my life is amazing except for those small little mistakes, but those small little mistakes consume me. It’s horrible.
So recently I just decided to let loose and just give in to my every whim and, needless to say, was not a good idea. My parents and community they look up to me. They expect me to be successful, but once again all those small imperfections are slowly consuming me, slowly inhibiting me, slowly eating me and my will power alive, slowly consuming my strengths and positives. I just want to fail as soon as possible so that I’m no longer anxious and scared of failing.
Happiness, that lie that Disney Channel sells to every little kid, is so unrealistic. Life is nothing like that. In order to be “happy” you have to be willing to be unhappy. It’s so backwards and for many years I have believed that it’s not fair, but that is just how life is. And if that’s how life is I don’t know how I’ll be able to succeed. I’m barely hanging on and I just graduated out of highschool. What am I gonna do in college? Let alone in graduate school? I fail. I let people down. I dissapoint myself and everyone around me. People are proud of me because they don’t really know me. If they knew ME they would be disgusted…
But anyways. i came on here to vent and also to let you NateTriesAgain and User 1 know that I read your posts and sympathize with your struggles, and I pray that God ends this misery and heals the world. 