Every day I get thoughts about disappearing forever. I don’t know if I could ever stomach actually going through with something like that, but it gets harder and harder to imagine myself sticking around any longer. I keep feeling worthless and lonely and I don’t know what to do about that.
I want to get counseling for these issues, but every attempt I try to make to go through with that gets rejected by my mom. It makes me feel hopeless for even trying to “feel better.” At random moments in the day, I just start crying because I can’t deal with anything anymore. I try to keep up with the world, but I just feel so so bad. Everything’s a mess and I don’t even feel like taking care of myself anymore.
I know there are people who care about me in this world and they’d be incredibly affected if I disappeared, but that thought is not enough to keep me from wanting to disappear. I can’t talk to anyone close to me because I’m terrified to do so and no matter how hard I try, I can never force the words out of my throat and it just sends me into a panic. I wish I knew of some way to make it stop, but I don’t. I have tried taking advice from people with similar situations online, but it feels like every step I take makes me feel worse.
My head feels wrong and every day seems to go by in a blur, like I’m living underwater. Even the memories I make each day feel artificial and I feel like I’m pretending to be alright too often.
I just wish I knew how to feel better, or at least had someone by my side who could stick it out with me while I feel this bad.
I might not be very eloquent with my words (and I’m new here) but here goes
Feeling loneliness is very human. It’s an emotion we developed in order to encourage ourselves to stick together; after all: one may be strong, but a group will be stronger.
However, feeling chronic loneliness is an issue.
I don’t know what your life is like, but I think continuing to persist in your efforts to get counseling would be very beneficial. Maybe - if you think it would be safe to - you could attempt to convey the depth of your feelings to your family or others that you feel okay with. If not your mother, maybe another authority figure.
Of course, take it one step at a time. First, taking care of yourself is important. Even the little things count (brushing teeth, showering / bathing, eating snacks, etc.)
And do go out for walks, they tend to help disconnect from problems.
Maybe even take a break from the work you’re doing and do something that makes you even a tiny bit happier.
One last note on feeling “worthless”: It’s kinda like a cycle (at least it is for me) that repeats and I’ve noticed that doing good for others might help. Just small stuff: holding doors for people, carrying items, washing dishes.
I hope this might have helped, even if it’s just a tiny bit
I know it’s not the same as having someone with you in person, but we’re here, and want to help you feel better.
It sounds like you’re feeling stuck in a situation and overwhelmed at the same time. It also sounds like your in critical need of help. It probably doesn’t feel right when people talk about being in a similar situation, if you feel like your situation is different. No doubt their situations are different.
A better approach is to say, “I’ve felt like that myself, do you want to talk about it?” Your story is different, and you’re a unique person, so if someone else tells you their story, with the expectation that you should handle your situation the way they dealt with theirs, I can see how that’d make you feel uncomfortable, and perhaps feel burdened by their expectations from you.
It sounds like your mom isn’t aware of how bad you’re feeling. If all else fails, dial 211 on your phone and explain how you’re feeling, and hopefully you’ll get a referral to a therapist or counselor.
It may be that you’ve come to expect they’ll not be helpful, and perhaps make things worse. That’s why it’s good to have someone outside the family to talk to.
I’ve wanted to disappear or worse multiple times. My life is better now, so I’m glad I didn’t. Time passes, circumstances change. So do people, so there can be hope for having a more manageable life.
It’s good to temporarily “disappear” in a place of privacy, and forget about everything but relaxing. Often thoughts come together, and the mind is more peaceful after taking such a break.
Stay in touch! Wings
Welcome to Heart Support, you too R3M3DY.
thank you very much for reaching out here, this is very strong from you.
Feeling lonely is hard sometimes, to deal with it also. I had the same, started crying out of nowhere
and it was extremely hard coming out of this hole.
considering a therapy would be a thing, this will help a lot, it helps me a lot. Also talking to your close
friends or family. It might take you a lot of energy, but afterwards you will definetily feel better.
Feeling stuck, not moving forward, overwhelmed. Try to do little steps towards, go for a walk, enjoy things
that you might overlook. maybe writing a journal would be something you can do. i do it frequently, write
down the things you do, your progress and you will see after a while what you achieved.
I wish you a very nice day, feel hugged
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