I keep hurting others

I keep hurting others. I don’t want to but I keep doing it. It takes so much out of me when I hurt someone. Whether by accident or on purpose. It makes me feel so bad and guilty that I almost always hurt myself after I do it. It’s one the reason why I hurt myself. Because I deserve it. If I hurt people I deserve to be hurt. I deserve to be hurt because of it. I hate that I hurt people. I hate it. I hate it so much but it keeps happening no matter what I do. Why am I like this? Why does nothing that I do make up for them? Why can’t I stop hurting them? Ugh I guess I just will be like this for forever. I’ll still try but when I keep failing they’ll give up on me eventually. I already have. It’s just a matter of time before I fail so badly that I mess everything up for life. I don’t know why people even put up with me failing so often. I don’t understand how they don’t hate me for what I’ve done. I guess I won’t understand because I keep trying to but I still don’t understand why. I’m sorry if I ended up posting this.

6 Likes

Hey @Paladine, people care for you and that’s why they’re still around. You aren’t failing at all.
Just so I know I read it properly, we’re talking about you hurting people emotionally, not physically?
Have you tried journalling? It sounds like it might be a good idea to get how you’re feeling down on paper each day. It’s awesome that you’re able to see what it is that is making you want to hurt yourself and you’ve done so well in trying to stop! Have you spoken to the people you think you’ve hurt?

3 Likes

It’s both but the physical is in the past. I have tried journaling and well the results are pages of self hate and harmful words. It is a big reason of why I want to hurt myself but there are others. I still talk to my friends but I never got to say sorry to the people I hurt in the past. I’m not going to say anymore to make sure I don’t fall into a loop. It’s been happening more and more often.

1 Like

Have you tried the wreck this journal? It’s really good for taking frustrations out on it. I have two of them and find them useful when I can’t get words down

2 Likes

I know you’re probably in America but you can read about the wreck this journal here and see if it’s something that might interest you. It’s not a journal as such but a distraction technique that’s good for depression and anxiety

2 Likes

Thank you I’ll be checking it out.

1 Like

@Paladine I am so glad you shared this. I always constantly have the dreading sense that someone is upset with me. I have come to learn that no people are not upset with me it is my own mental health (anxiety and fear) that cause me to see it this way. I will say this from what I have seen of the time you have been in this community you have not and I mean have not ever made someone not feel unheard or unseen. You go above and beyond no matter what you are struggling with to make it so others dont feel left or hurt. That to me is not causing pain or hurting another human. Sometimes we have to see that what might be hurting to us isnt hurting to another. Also you are a human and humans do things without realizing it. For example the other day a friend sent me something but totally spaced a very upsetting triggering subject matter and it send me into a spiral of trauma triggers and such but the thing is that person didnt mean for that to happen. It hurt me yes but it was not on them. Also you are not in anyway at fault for stuff it doesnt make you less than to hurt another person we cant always control everything under the sun. Friend it maybe a big struggle to not see it other ways but you are worth it. I am sitting in a chat with other HS members who all shared stories of how you have helped them so now it is our time to help you. I am very glad you wrote this and shared this. I have felt this so many times that it is hard to count. Something someone has taught me recently is that expressing our emotions and feelings is a key to keeping ourselves in the best possible state of mind. So that being said that is what you are doing here you are expressing the fear that you have. This fear of hurting others and that is very important and this is a safe space to do so. None of us judge you for it and none of us feel as if you have hurt us. I know someone else suggested it but the wreck this journal is a wonderful tool. Or even something I like to call the screaming pillow or anger pillow when ever I feel upset I go for things that are soft and wont let me hurt me my dog also will legit come push her self into me so that I snuggle her rather than doing things than I release that anger or sadness that way.

Guilt is hard and only thing that I truly know is that if you feel you have harmed someone ask them. Talk to that person to help ease your mind on it. Just know we care and we support you.
Hold fast
Ash

4 Likes

Hi Paladin.
You dont need to be sorry about posting. Your voice is valid and it should be heard. You were one of the first people here who has helped me when I needed it the most. People like you because you are a good person. You put others first and try to help them. You feel bad when you think you have hurt other people.

I want to tell you this. People sometimes hurt other people. Sometimes intentionaly sometimes not. It is inevitable. What matters is how people face this. You should not punish yourself. Nobody would be happy if they saw you suffer. Not even the people you have hurt. I would love for you to be happy because you are great and i would like you to see that. Please remember this… you are great and i am glad that you are here and that you write here. I hate to see you suffer and i hope you will find a way to forgive yourself and to be happy again. :slightly_smiling_face:

Take care for now
Bye

5 Likes

Hey friend.

You are absolutely worth our time and there is no need to be sorry for posting. It’s been a little while now that you’re on this forum. You know how it works. Although I totally understand that it takes time feel really comfortable with the fact that it’s okay to unapologetically share your voice and take up space.

I can absolutely relate to this feeling of being deserving of punishment because of who you are or what you do. We were discussing as a group about it, and it has made me realize that as an anxious bean I always expect others to end up disappointed, mad or upset with me, because there would be something that I’d do or say that would mess up our relationship - at least, that’s what I believe. It’s tough to feel like walking on eggshells constantly because you are convinced that something is wrong with you, and that ultimately it will reveal itself to others in an ugly way.

I hear what you say and maybe you’ve hurt others in the past, indeed, but as you said it belongs to the past. There is a need to learn self-forgiveness there, especially if you didn’t have the possibility to apologize to the ones you’ve hurt. Have you ever tried this kind of exercise that is to write a letter to the ones you’ve hurt, in order to apologize? Not with the intention to send it. But just to write down what you wish you would say if you had the opportunity. Giving this a try, and following the journaling advices you’ve received, this might be a bit cathartic to your heart.

What you have done before doesn’t indicate who you are nor who you are going to be. You know, in the past, I’ve done things I absolutely regret. I’ve hurt myself. I’ve let people use my body in ways that still disgust me today. And the reason why I’ve done that was because I was struggling. It doesn’t excuse everything, but there was a context at play at the moment, and I bet that, places in your whole journey and story, what you did would also make sense and help you see yourself as being, ultimately, human.

Some days I can’t help but telling myself that I’m a disgusting person, and a whore. But then I also try to think about the people who love me today and have manifested that love to me. What they said. What they did. They don’t see me like this. So I try to rely on the trust I have in them instead of this snealy, uninvited voice that only tries to push me down. It’s hard because it feels artificial at first - I don’t fully believe that I am worthy at all. But, bits by bits, and by chosing love rather than pain and/or punishment, I also give more space to myself, to my heart, my needs and who I am. Which is not all black and white. And that is the same for you, friend. You, who you are, is so much more vibrant, whole and complex than being a “bad” person.

From our past, our story and our mistakes, we can learn, heal and grow. Punishment take you away from accessing to those things. Though I believe in you and in the fact that, little by little, by daring to give yourself a chance in times when you believe in yourself the less, you’ll actually learn to see your own beauty. Even if it takes time.

I’m sending lots of love your way.

What’s one thing you could do for yourself today, to reward yourself for posting here? This might sound a bit trivial, but it’s all these little steps that will help as well to reinforce a more positive and healthy dialogue in your mind. :hrtlegolove:

6 Likes

hey Paladin

Please, PLEASE don’t be sorry for posting this. You are loved! You deserve to be listened to! You deserve our time!
We care about you.

You’re the first person to make us feel seen. Whenever I’m posting on the wall you are always one of the first people to like the post or to reply even when I use a different account and you don’t know that it’s me. You’re so full of love and it truly makes me smile whenever I see your name pop up. I’m so sorry that you are hurting and I’m sorry that you feel like you need to punish yourself for interacting with us because you shouldn’t have to feel that way.
You are saying that you’re hurting others, but from the interactions here on the Wall, I can’t find proof of that. Are there any people in specific that you are talking about? And if that is the case, what do they do that gives you the feeling that they are hurt by you? Have you ever put those things out in writing and shared that with the people you trust? Maybe they can help you find a path towards the truth, that you’re in fact not hurting other people. Because I can guarantee you that the people responding here and the people who know your name aren’t hurt by your interactions and existence.

You are Loved! You are Strong! You are Beautiful! You are Important!
You are Loved! By so many people in this community. I mean look at the responses you are getting right now. We wouldn’t be talking to you or replying to your posts if we didn’t think you were worth it and if we didn’t care.
You are Strong! You have survived 100% of your worst days, that my friend, takes a tremendous amount of strength and I hope you give yourself credit for that. Also, you reaching out here takes a great amount of strength. So don’t underestimate how strong you are
You are Beautiful! Inside and out. You make people smile. You make people feel seen. You make people feel appreciated. You show people a path to light. That’s beauty and that beauty shines through to the outside.
You are Important! You probably don’t know how important you are, because you haven’t realized that the smallest actions might make someone’s day. You liking a post can make someone feel seen and appreciated. You’re like a pebble that is thrown in the water, whose waves will carry on way further than you even realize.

You are Loved! You are Strong! You are Beautiful! You are Important!
And don’t let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise!

Hold fast :hrtlegolove:
-Nyntje

5 Likes

@disabledmetalfan @Ashwell @nyntje @Micro I’ll give a more in depth response later but I wanted to say thank you. You guys words mean so much to me

5 Likes

Okay so it’s time for the more in depth answer to guys sorry for it taking to long. I’m going to do this all in one thing.

@disabledmetalfan I wish I could talk to the people I’ve hurt but I don’t even remember most of their names anymore. I know logically that I’m not a horrible person but that’s all I can think of myself when I think about what I did. Thank you I was just trying to help people. Sometimes I feel less than human. How can I not be at fault for stuff? I’m the one who did that stuff so I had to do it. Right? Did really help that many people? I’ll definitely try to let my emotions out more often.

@Ashwell I know I shouldn’t be sorry about posting but I do. I know people hurt others. I love history and well all of it is basically people hurting each other for what they are causes. I’ll try to remember that I’m not a bad person. Why is it so hard to believe that I shouldn’t punish myself? Are you sure that the people I hurt wouldn’t want to see me suffer? You are probably right. They probably have forgotten that I ever hurt them. I’ll try to remember that I’m great.

@Micro It’s hard to believe that I’m worth anything when I seem to keep hurting people. I try not to punish myself but I’ve been doing for a long time to the point I remember my telling a 12 year old me to stop punishing myself. I don’t even know where to start with self forgiveness. Forgiveness to me has always been from other people or me giving it to others. I could definitely try the letter thing. I don’t know why but my world has always been one at looking at the past and using that to view the future. It helps a lot in some parts of my life but it hinders me a lot in this part. I feel so much less than human when I look back at those mistakes. What I did most of the time was hit or shove someone because I was anger no other reason. Sure ADHD made it near impossible to stop myself but it was only near impossible I should be able to do it. I have trust in other peoples judgement but I don’t have trust in myself in how I’m framing myself. We all frame ourself in the best light so what if that’s the only reason they given me there care and love. I guess I’ll just have to try and trust that’s not the reason. I guess I’ll just have try and chose love because I don’t have any other choice. I’ll also try to give more room for myself. After reading your response I ended up composing music because that gives me joy.

@nyntje I know I shouldn’t be but I am. I just happen to be at school and have a lot of down time so I’m on here to help. It’s mainly the past and the fear of hurting others again. I hurt people by hitting and shoving people just because I was mad. Sure I didn’t have a lot of control back then but I should have been able to stop myself. For the more recent stuff they never said anything about being hurt I just felt like I was hurting them by sharing my pain and I have written them out. I can't stop writing these This was the result. I don’t know if it was good or not for me to have written it. I wish I believed those things about myself but I’ll take your word for now.

1 Like

I just realized that haft of what I said in here was that I should have been able to stop myself or that I should have been able to do something different but that’s not fair to myself. Especially the ones in which I hurt people physically because I was at the oldest on 11 or 12. My brain hadn’t developed enough to really be able to stop impulse. Heck my brain still can’t stop all impulses and I’m now 17. How would my younger self be able to stop them if I still can’t stop them all the time.

2 Likes

Hi Paladin
I am glad that you are finding the strenght to forgive yourself and realised that you cant blame yourself for everything. You are 17 you are not even an adult. You tried to kill youself many times but you were but a child or a teenager. Honestly your parents are legaly responsible for any action you take until you are 15. I am not trying to say that your parents are responsible for you trying to kill youself but i am trying to tell you that you put too much pressure and blame on yourself. You carry so much guilt in you Paladin but i dont think even half of it is deserved. Guilt is good if it makes you a better person but your guilt just pulls you down into hopelessnes. It is good that you are beginning to realise that. :slightly_smiling_face:

I hope you will continue doing better i would love to see that :wink:
Bye for now Paladin

3 Likes

I’m just starting to realize that my standards are way too high. All the times that I attempted I was 16 and 17 but yeah a teenager that was struggling to hold together after years putting too high standards on themselves. After years of punishing them for an perceived wrongdoing. Of course I couldn’t handle it on my own. So why do I still feel like I should have? I guess I just need more time to get use to the idea that it wasn’t my fault. The guilt that I have is not helping me in the slightest. I still haven’t forgiven myself yet. I still really don’t know how to forgive myself but I’m trying.

3 Likes

Of course I couldn’t handle it on my own. So why do I still feel like I should have? I guess I just need more time to get use to the idea that it wasn’t my fault. The guilt that I have is not helping me in the slightest. I still haven’t forgiven myself yet. I still really don’t know how to forgive myself but I’m trying.

This is one of the first times I’ve seen you giving yourself grace here on this forum. Forgiveness, and self-forgiveness, takes time, as it can be defined in many ways and you’ll need to find your own. But, just putting things in perspective again, considering a different way to see your past and story, adding context to your own story, is huge. Really.

3 Likes

Thank you. It kinda just hit me that it wasn’t fair to say that I should be able to do things. It feels weird even saying that. I’m still trying to figure out ways that I can forgive myself but I have thought of anything yet. I’m still then trying though

2 Likes

I’m still trying to figure out ways that I can forgive myself but I have thought of anything yet. I’m still then trying though

It’s how it starts. There’s a beginning for everything. :slight_smile:

Do you think creating some kind of “symbolic” action, something that would intentionally set a before and an after could help? Like a meaningful “ritual”/action to you.

I don’t know if this would help or inspire you at all, but recently I came accross the following video. He’s a buddhist monk who likes to share insights about monks practices and certain philosophical topics. Of course, it’s to be understood under the specific context of monks right there, but the main point is about the process of asking for forgiveness and letting go, that actually makes sense, and can be meaningful for some. Maybe some food for thoughts at least.

3 Likes

Hey @Paladine, you’ve had some awesome advice and support since I last checked this thread, I hope you can feel the love through them.
I also want to throw this in too because child brain development and mental health is the thing I’ve studied most. I’m not sure if I hadn’t picked up on you being 17 before or if it slipped my mind.
Your brain doesn’t fully develop until about the age of 25, with the last part of your brain to develop is your frontal lobe/cortex. That part of your brain is responsible for a bunch of things including impulse control, problem solving and emotions. Sound familiar? While we do obviously have to take accountability for things, I just wanted to say that so you realise that actually some of the things you’re finding hard, and some things you’re progressing on is literally because your brain is still developing, and with every positive coping mechanism you use and continue to use while your brain is developing will make a positive synapse connection in your brain.
I’m so glad that you’ve realised you’ve been so hard on yourself. I purposely check your posts to see how you’re doing and I’m honestly so proud of the small changes you’re making and things you’re realising because they’re going to be huge changes the more you realise these things. Hope you’re having a great weekend, and sorry if I’ve thrown too much at you in my reply!

3 Likes

Thank you I did know that but I never realized that might be why I’ve been getting better. You haven’t throw too much at me. It really helps and I’ll try to have a good weekend

3 Likes