Hey @Thistle,
And even if I stop now, I know I’ll relapse again, so is there really a point? I don’t even know if I could stop if I wanted to.
The reason why you try to stop self-harming, your main goal, is you, your life and your safety. Relapses are incredibly defeating, but somehow it’s also part of recovery. It happens, unfortunately. Because recovery is definitely not a straight line. It looks more chaos like this:
For what it’s worth coming from me, I’m so proud of you, for your perseverance and bravery through all of this. Healing from self-harm is not easy. Yet you are here, you share about how you feel and you don’t isolate yourself. There is a possibility for growth through every relapse, my friend, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Questioning your desire to heal or not is an important one and it’s absolutely normal to wonder this, especially after a relapse. It’s like having two voices in your mind that are pushing you to do things that are absolutely different. Through my own recovery from eating disorders, I felt this inner division - a lot, if not constantly. Sometimes I wondered if I was crazy. I knew what was right and what needed to be done. Yet the temptation to give up and surrender was always here, again and again and again. And honestly: I didn’t always want to heal. I wasn’t always commited to recovery. Most of the time it felt like resisting against urges that were against my own will. And when I realized the amount of energy and time I needed to take one step while I could relapse anytime, then wondering what’s the point was absolutely natural. The questions, the doubts, the feelings you are experiencing right now are part of your recovery. And you are here. Somehow, you know deep inside how to be true to yourself and that recovery is worth it.
I want to quote your own words to remind you why cutting is not the solution and why recovery is worth it:
Cutting is a small relief but it doesn’t last long.
It is indeed a very small relief for a lot of disappointment, shame, guilt, worries, strategies to hide, etc. It’s an illusion of relief. You know the painful cost of it already. And even though I wish you haven’t been through such pain, even if sometimes it’s hard not to feel stuck, you are not stuck and you are still learning every time you try, every time you succeed, and every time you fall during this journey. And when you fall, please keep in mind that you have friends here ready to sit down with you, take your hand and wait with you until you feel ready to get back on your feet. You are not alone.
For me, recovery felt like being in a circle. And the same applies to the mental health struggles I’ve been facing. I feel stuck in a cycle that is repeated, again and again. But something we don’t necessarily realize while we are trying our best to change our ways to cope is that we always learn something and we progress. You won’t go out of this circle the first time you try, but you’ll extend it more and more to the point of breaking it entirely. Yesterday you could resist to an urge for 2 minutes. Today for 5. And tomorrow for 3. Yet you are still learning. And how you perceive what you do has a great importance here. Meaning: okay there is a relapse. What about trying to give yourself the grace and credit you deserve in this situation, like you would do with a dear friend? You deserve to be your very first supporter and to seek personal growth through all of this. Again, we’re so proud of you here.
I really don’t know what to do anymore, and at this point, I just want to escape.
I’d like to really encourage you to have a look at the workbook ReWrite if you didn’t already. It’s a book about self-harm that includes a journaling part. And I’m actually reading it with a friend - it’s been a couple of weeks now. The reading would be very triggering to them, so they asked me to read this together. And actually it helps me too, even if I’m not currently struggling with self-harm and I’m in a better place regarding eating disorders. I think it could really be helpful to you too.
You can get more informations about it here:
https://www.amazon.com/ReWrite-Journey-Self-Harm-Benjamin-Sledge/dp/0999154508?sa-no-redirect=1&pldnSite=1
If affording it is a problem, feel free to send an email to Danjo or Casey from HS staff so they could think about a solution with you: [email protected] - [email protected]
You can also have a look at the ReWrite section of this forum. The 4 first chapters include streaming videos where the guys actually read the chapters on Twitch. It could give you an idea of the content:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/tags/c/growth/61/rewrite
If you decide to explore it, feel free to share your question or thoughts. Whether it’s here or through DMs. Discussing about self-harm is a first step to normalize recovery and make it part of your daily life. 
I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. She doesn’t take me seriously when I tried to talk to her, so I don’t even bother anymore. She ignores me and when she doesn’t, she constantly wants my full attention. She tells me that she wishes I was prettier and skinnier. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting about her or not since sometimes she’s warm and sometimes she’s cold.
I feel like you just described my mom. Seriously. And I have a sister too (an older one) that I always feel the need to protect. My relationship with my mom is pretty toxic and I endured her attitude for my entire childhood - if not adulthood now. It’s really hard to set some boundaries with our parents, especially if you are currently living with your mom. So know that her behavior shows about her character, but it never says anything about you or your worth. You deserve attention, you deserve to be heard, to be loved and cared for. And if your mom is like mine, struggling and in need of attention, then she’s certainly not in the right mindset to be supportive to you. She should though. She’s your mom. Things should be different and that’s not fair at all to feel like you can’t reach out to her. But despite all of this, despite her, you are so loved, friend. And you can always count on this safe place here to just share your heart - whether it’s positive or painful.
We see you. We care about you. You are loved. 
