no matter how many times i try to help myself, my mind keeps going back to “i’m going to kill myself.” i feel overwhelmed with anxiety and hopelessness and my brain was like “let’s show you a way to kill yourself” and now i’m struggling to not do it. i just want this pain to end. i’m so tired of wresting with my thoughts every damn day. i feel disgusting for eating “junk” food and i never want to eat ever again. i feel horrible for these thoughts and i can’t decide whether it’s actually how i feel or not (unrelated to the suicidal ones). i’m so tired of struggling to get by in a toxic household. i feel so stupid for saying this basically every few days. i’m so repetitive, just constantly posting on here about how i want to die. i feel so obnoxious. i try everything to feel better from hobbies to walking to mediating and i still feel bad during and after it. what else am i supposed to do? i can’t afford meds or therapy and there are no free resources in my area. who even am i without my mental illnesses? i’ve never been able to experience that. i have a rare amount of decent days and then it’s weeks to years of bad days. i’m starting to feel like it’s not worth it and that i don’t even deserve to exist. i want someone to just offer a magic thing to fix everything going on in my life but i know that’s not possible. i just need help. i’m so close to just attempting to kill myself right now.
Hey friend,
i’m so tired of struggling to get by in a toxic household. i feel so stupid for saying this basically every few days. i’m so repetitive, just constantly posting on here about how i want to die. i feel so obnoxious.
It’s okay. There’s no limit in the amount of posts you need to write. And if being here can bring you at least a small amount of oxygen, then it’s worth it. No one will ever judge you here. The only thing that could happen is to be loved even more because you allow everyone who read you to know you a little more. And it’s a privilege to see you and knowing that you are part of this community. 
But I get the frustration and heartbreaking feeling due to this sensation of being stuck in a toxic environment and in the same cycle in regards of mental health. Just yesterday, I was in a state of acute distress and anxiety, just because life sometimes is full of things to handle at the same time. I’ve been hitting this point so frequently for the past few months - if not years? Yet through all of this, there are still some grounding truths: we’re not alone and there is always a possibility for something better. Of course, it’s not always easy to actually feel this. Desperation and sadness is felt more than we want. Yet it never hurts to be reminded of that. It remains somewhere in the back of our mind, even during the darkest times.
You are not alone, my friend. And if I could change the environment you’re living in, I’d do it without any hesitation. I know it’s been a long time that you’ve been enduring it. So, for what it’s worth in this situation, know that there people who sincerely care about you, who are rooting for you and looking towards this day when you will finally get the freedom you need and live as you want to live.
i try everything to feel better from hobbies to walking to mediating and i still feel bad during and after it. what else am i supposed to do?
I know meditation help many people, but I also know from experience that sometimes it’s actually worse to do it. I personally have my share of past traumas, and meditation as it’s often practiced isn’t helpful to me. It makes me feel really worse and unsafe. At first, I thought I just needed to practice more. But with time I realized that I needed active meditation. For example: while walking, dancing or reading. It’s more about slowing down and being mindful, focused on the present moment and my physical sensations. Indeed, I’m already very focused on my thoughts because of an overwhelming anxiety. Sitting still and doing nothing except breathing is not for me. So, just a suggestion here: maybe trying a different way to approach meditation could help? Even though the effects of meditation need quite some time before you can actually see it.
who even am i without my mental illnesses? i’ve never been able to experience that. i have a rare amount of decent days and then it’s weeks to years of bad days.
That’s an important question. It’s something I’ve been asking myself a lot of times. “What if?”.
There is a part of grief in this process. A grief of the person you could have been without these illnesses. But also just the person you could have been generally, with a different life and different circumstances. It’s a process. It happens progressively. And once you are in peace with yourself on this matter, then you’ll allow yourself to be more ready to move on with who you are right here and right now.
You are you. You are enough as you are. Without any good or bad judgment. I hear your frustration, your exhaustion, your pain. There’s a tough season in your life right now - maybe a little more than before. But you will get through it. You’ll get to this moment when you’ll look back at today and think that you did the right thing by chosing life. Can you visualize this person that you’ll become? Because I do. 
And I see you right now. I see your heart and the amount of love it needs, and at first from yourself.
Keep reaching out, friend. Keep gathering all the healthy tools that would help you to handle those feelings.
You are not invisible. You are not out of this world.
And you are so loved.
I ate MacDonald last night and I felt so sick then I drank some healthy orange juice today and I am feeling better. I played this virtual reality game second life that was taken off linden lab it was really dangerous a game with no rules it could be suicidal. I played second life for the past 13 years and I was so suicidal and depressed and mission is to get a life. I couldn’t get out of bed. I went through years of not wanting to live even though for 13 years I did prayer and meditation when I was playing second life game. I did attempt suicide three years ago and I was ICU emergency and in heart cardic ward and I had to learn to walk again. When I was in hospital I got my government housing but I couldn’t take it I was in hospital and social worker and my caseworker helped me apply for priority housing and I got government housing a month after I got out of hospital a disability apartment.
i’m sorry you had to go through all of that : ( hope you’re feeling better now
thank you so much for this message, it really means a lot. i really appreciate it. i will continue to try to help myself, it’s just getting increasing harder to do so.
This is also a resource that was shared with me that is free.
https://www.beneaththeskinonline.org/
It’s a mentoring/friendship program. You are paired with someone who get to talk to and meet with and just share. It’s not therapy it’s mentorship.
You do have to be ages 18-30 and live in the U.S.
Even if you can’t now, you might be able to in the future.
i’ll look into it, thanks