I kind of miss my ex-friend
Originally this post was going to be much happier or celebratory but I started feeling a bit down about something. I want to vent about that too. I may or may not include the happy thing under this. I might be a weird contrast but lets see
To start, I feel down that the friendship I made last year didn’t last. I really liked them, we were opposites but made a great power duo. He was the one that taught me to be assertive while I taught him how to be a little more calm and vunerable. He made me laugh a lot. I love people who can make me laugh.
There was this thing we did where I would pretend to be his mom, mostly because his biological one was horrible. And I would encourage them and make sure they were okay, like a loving mother would. It was a little sweet since I like caring and making others happy a lot.
But there were downsides. Sometimes he would get terribly pessimistic or he would assume things about me and get mad. Or he wouldn’t really listen to me and that was the dealbreaker. When someone misinterprets my words or doesn’t bother to actually sit and listen, it breaks my heart. I didn’t want to argue but I also have needs in friendships and relationships.
I know he wasn’t mentally well. Had a multitude of things going on, but the least he could have done was try to meet one of my needs in return which was to listen to what I have to say instead immediately getting defensive and going offline.
Sometimes it feels like I gave all of my love and care for nothing. And I also feel like if he would have gotten the proper help he needed then he wouldn’t have acted like that and things wouldn’t have to end. We understood each other to some degree. Turns out we were both born under the same moon phase, which was a new moon haha.
I don’t know if its the loneliness getting to me. I know the friendship wasn’t good and it wasn’t gonna last. I mean they even called me a racial slur and used the r word against me because of my autism. I can’t go back to someone who’s gonna do that to me when they’re mad.
My only hope is that they haven’t like hurt themselves or anything at least because I know the situation their in seems really terrible. They’re really strong for holding on till I met them. Because I don’t know what I would do if it were me.
I think I’m going to cry so lets move on to the happier thing
Today was good day despite me thinking about my past tonight. I got some sleep and I started embracing my more childish and playful side. Allowing myself to do what makes me feel good and not really worrying about future events.
I drew stuff today in a new art journal. Gonna fill it with lots of stuff. I drew me and my favorite character together. I was so happy to see that I made improvements in my art despite me not having done drawing much drawing for years.
Now I can draw myself smooching whoever I want muhahaha.
But yeah that’s all I have to really say right now. I’m better but I think its because I needed more sleep. Its why I felt upset and stressed out. When I’m tired, I start to think more negatively