I knew this was coming

My son is getting married in Sept this year.

He dropped a bomb I’ve been bracing for on me tonight. My son and his fiancé (who I absolutely love) feel like they should invite his father, his wife and grandparents to the wedding. My son wanted to know if I would be ok with it and if not, he wouldn’t invite them.

I didn’t really need to think about it, and told him that if he feels like he needs to have his father there, then I would 100% support him. He also told me that he really doesn’t think they will come cuz they live out of state and that he didn’t really mind either way. His father didn’t come to my son’s first wedding, so I’m pretty sure he won’t come to this one, which is pretty sad.

Now, after I’ve been thinking about it… I don’t want them to be there, but I can’t tell my son that. It’s his day and I don’t want to cause drama and mess things up. I could have told him no, but I don’t think that would have been a fair thing to do.

This is going to put a lot of stress on me.

I was just talking to my boyfriend about it and he was very supportive. He told me that he would be by my side and that we would dance, eat and celebrate. We are just going to be ourselves and not let anything ruin the day for us and especially the bride and groom.

So, I have to be on my best behavior and just ignore the fact that my abusive ex husband and his narcissist mother are there. How the hell am I going to be able to do that?

I don’t know if I can…

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Brutal. To feel like there’s no hope (or only the small hope of him not showing) of this joyous day to turn into a re-traumatizing day.

It’s so hard to get caught in the crossfire of kindness or honesty, to feel they are at odds. Of course you wanted to say, “No, fuck him. He doesn’t deserve to come, that little shit.” But, you’re also acting out of love, wanting to support your son who wants his father at his special day.

It’s just hard. Hard to surrender that. Hard to open yourself up to being destroyed on the inside when this moment should be hailing and beaming with light.

It’s nice to have the support of your boyfriend. It is hard to imagine a night where your husband would be there and you wouldn’t be completely consumed though. It is hard to be in the same room with abuse and trauma literally on the table over. It is hard to put so much mental energy into pretending everything is okay, when your mind would be batting off thousands of thoughts of insecurity and sadness and defeat and self-hate and anger.

Honestly, it’s just quietly hoping now that he says no, and that it would be quickly so you can let this go.

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I’ll hve a longer talk later, but planning, prepping, and boundaries.

  • is he using rsvp to follow up with invites? This could help all of you know for sure who to start preparing to see.
  • what xpectations does he have of you, his father, and any interactions? Ie is he okay if you and his dad sit separately and do not interact?
  • if something does happen like an encounter, how will it be dealt with? Would you need to create a safe space for you to go to to have a breather?
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This was a very powerful, and mature statement you said. I commend you for being able to settle aside your differences to make your son happy. I know it’s a hard thing to do, especially given your past history with your ex husband’s abuse. I can tell you that I completely understand, because my aunt ends up in that same boat.

When there’s an event that her ex husband’s at, we sit at the complete opposite side. He attempts communication, she doesn’t retort back in the slightest. She keeps focus on the event at hand, not at him. He doesn’t deserve anything from you. Not a single glance at him. I’m glad to hear that your boyfriend is so supportive and already planning to make that day special for you as well.

I know it’s hard, Rosie. But I know you can do it. He isn’t worth any of your attention. Let alone any emotions like stress.

You know I’m always rooting for you. <3

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From: ManekiNeko

Rosie, that’s such a hard situation! I take my hat off to you for being so supportive and in a sense selfless when it comes to the happiness of your child! There’s a lot of people who don’t think that way.

I’m so glad your boyfriend is so supportive, it’s so important to have those people in your life. I like Sita’s idea of if it’s RSVP, then hopefully you’ll be able to know if he’s coming and have time to prepare and talk through a plan. It’s almost an unfair thing when we have to be amicable toward people who hurt us. If you find out he’s going, I hope that you have other friends and family who are attending who can support you and can be around you so that there’s not an off chance he can manage to come over and talk.

I can see how much you love your son and how much this day is going to mean to you! So my hope for you is that in the moment you feel so much joy and happiness surrounding you and no matter who’s present there, that this day will be one you and your son and his soon to be wife will celebrate together for a long time x

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Hi Rosie,
thank you for sharing. you are acting really selfless, and from my point of view, you, your son and you partner
right now, should be so proud of you. you are putting yourself back, for that moment for your son, even after
what happened in the past. you are extremely strong and brave for that. i would take my hat off for you right now
if i was wearing one. even more, the more i learn about you.
your son is having a really great mother, that he can appreciate and love, what he is doing i think.
the event and the marriage should be the focus, and not the past on that day. you will do great i am sure. i can
imagine that it is hard, but you have a wonderful partner by your side, your son and her future wife.
congratulations for that.
there is your son that is giving you his support, his wife, your partner, your friends, and a shitload of people of this
community. we are proud having you. proud that you are a part of this here. you are loved and you matter most. :purple_heart:
feel hugged

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@NateTriesAgain @Sita @lunxaire @Bimini @Aardvark

Thanks friends for your encouragement and validation, I appreciate each of you. :hrtlegolove:

To answer your questions, Sita. I’ll know once they RSVP yes and figure out a plan I guess. I think the only expectation my son has is that his father and I keep it civil lol. I’ll have the bride’s mother who I have become friends with there to hang out with and my boyfriend of course won’t leave my side. I really don’t know how I’m going to feel when/if I see them. I really don’t think my ex is going to even look at me let alone talk to me, but his parent’s will probably harder to deal with.

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We always got your back, Lovely. <3

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Hey, you got this. Please teach everyone you know what I’m about to tell you: people who make you uncomfortable aren’t grateful. If your abusive ex or his narcissistic mother make you uncomfortable, just walk straight up to them look them in the eye and tell them “you’re not acting grateful”. No one wants to be seen as ungrateful.

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