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I know I'm done with life since more than a year, but can't ended yet

My short story is, I’m 30 years old in a toxic relationship, but it was not like that years ago, my love story i find it epic, i used to feel like i was the luckiest person i know, i also was a different person, i had a mountain high ambition, and i accomplished so many things in my life that it’s impress me till now about how i did it, even when my first depression was before my relationship, my first depression was because i lost everything and everyone i care about in war, but my love to that girl keept me alive, but now after years together i cannot stand her i hate her, i have a 3 years old daughter from her, it’s started all after i discovered a new part of her i didn’t recognize before, and with time specially since a year ago the gap between me and her keeps growing, and now I’m certain that i can’t take it anymore, the thing is, she was the reason why i wanted to stay alive and now this reason is gone, depression therapy didn’t work, i love my daughter so much that it’s breaking my heart, because how things went for her to grow up in a separated family the same way i grew up with my mother without a father, im not like my father, he was an asshole, so since a year i wanted to end my life, but i was not doing it because of my daughter, as i said I love her, but im so tired, and i know she will be sad to know what i did, but i know she can survive without me, so i don’t know now what I’m waiting for, I’m working 6 days per week and i hate my job so much, and I’m studing university and this is adding extra burden, because i know there is no reason any more to keep fighting or think about the future, I’m not afraid of dying I’m only afraid of continue living,
I’m not interested in people any more even the people i know they would die for me, the last time i opened a conversation with someone or responded properly to any conversation headed to me was 6 months ago, didn’t contacted any one, i feel empty i feel that i have no feelings any more, just a machine moving around to hold on things that i don’t care about anymore.

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my heart aches for you. I’m so sorry that you feel like that love between you and this girl is gone or fleeting. Relationships are so tricky. They’re certainly not as easy as a fairy tale. Maybe try some couples therapy? Or find out what has changed and maybe try to recreate some of that spark from the beginning of your relationship? start over with her essentially? I’m sure you’ve both changed and grown a lot.
I’m glad you have a daughter you love. She is an amazing reason to live! Focus on that amazing parental love. She may be able to survive without you but she shouldn’t have to. She will have times when she will need you, and perhaps right now you need her.
I’m so sorry things are dark right now. Don’t give up. Why did you start school? Will finishing get you into a job you hate less? It seems like you might need to make small changes here and there to get to a healthier place. Maybe discuss the thought of healthy life changes with a counselor?

Just throwing ideas out there. No one deserves to feel like their life is not worth living. You deserve joy and love. Hoping you find some reignited passions for life. No one should have to fear living. Your life is worth living. You are worth it. Your daughter is worth it. Just fight a little longer friend.

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I was trying, really trying, i kept my bad thoughts away, we got separated, and i moved out, i started my own company, focusing on work and focusing on my studies of the higher education, so i was enjoying my business for a while were i kept my mind active with business investments, and suddenly i got seriously ill, i have ulcerative colitis since 18 years now, amd my body just decided to give up now, so i was sick for a month now, laying in bed, and i was stuck at the hospital for awhile and i just got out, but anyway I’m not responsive to medications any more, so all my plans got crashed, and i cannot see a way thru.
Why keep living if I’m not going to live the basic life i want, i just wanted to be self efficient, have some respect from others, spend some quality time with the people i like.be free to go out amy time be free to go for a road trip, be free to get drunk, be free within a few squares meters with my self. I cannot even emjoy my loneliness any more.
Just sharing, not expecting amy thing from amy one, but i just wanted to write about what i feel to some random people i guess,maybe just knowing someone is reading this and give them a type of any feeling they might feel, the idea it self is strange, but i wanted to try.

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Hey @Naz,

I know it’s been a moment since you posted, also that you don’t expected anything particular from your own response, but I wanted to take some time today to acknowledge your strength and bravery here. Also to say that someone see you and hear you right now.

It sounds that being stuck at the hospital and seeing your capacity to move being reduced has been taking a toll on you. And that’s really understandable. To some extent, I think that many people felt that way with lockdowns this year. We had to adapt ourselves to circumstances that weren’t expected and beyond our control, which is extremely frustrating. But also, for people who felt already vulneable, having another obstacle piling up on the top of everything else can be more discouraging than usual.

I feel for you. I’m not going to describe how the last 12 months has been for me, but I can tell that a lot of things happened and I couldn’t control those. I felt dragged by life itself. It was about things that affected important areas of my life, especially work, health and relationships - and still now. I understand that it’s hard to keep your head above water when life happens to be a rollercoaster. When things are a bit calm again, you’re still on edge and waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been asking myself: “why?”, this year. Just a very simple, short and human question. Why it feels like all the odds are against me? Which becomes progressively: “why should I keep trying?”.

I hear your exhaustion with all my heart. Though I also see all the efforts and strength you’ve been gathering so far. You’ve been through a lot in quite a short amount of time. Your mind, your heart, your body need time to process and heal. Right now, it may feel like you’re facing a giant mountain and you don’t know how to start climbing anymore. But in these moments, we need to remind ourselves: just one step at a time. Maybe your plans will need a new direction, but it doesn’t mean that those new ones wouldn’t be worth it. Only different.

Sometimes life has this way to slap us in the face with many things at once. But you are here, friend. You are breathing and you are alive. This moment, this season in your life that probably feels like a lifetime still remains a season. And through those, it’s okay to make adjustments, to change our perspective, eventually to aim for new goals. There is a part of grief in doing so, but it holds a potential of creation and experience. Your life is not over. Hang in there friend. We’re in this with you. :hrtlegolove:

Thank you for you reply, i was reading it for many times,
I’m going back to therapy, i cannot control my self any more, even when my self as a person do not believe that people can lose control, i lost it this month 3 times, today was the third, i was at work and my business partner said something i didn’t like, usually i don’t give a shit, but today i could not control my actions, so i wanted to explode i was felt i was about to explode, so i rushed outside he was following me to apologize, but i didn’t want to hear, so i got into the car and i forgot my telephone and my cards, so i drove away recklessly, i wanted to go to the ocean and just swim deep into the ocean till drowning, because i made earlier my mind that i will end my life this way in December if things not going to be better, so i was driving today to do that, but i ran out of fuel and i forgot my cards at the warehouse, so i didn’t want to drive back because i didn’t want to hear an apology, so i waited few hours and went back till everybody went home, so i decided again to wait till December, but after what happened today, i don’t know if i can keep that decision.

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Hey @Naz,

I’m really glad you’re here. This experience that you had sounds to be very scary. As you said, it was an impulsive action - but also the sign that something has to change. You’ve been bottling up some heavy things in your heart, so it makes sense to have a huge breakdown quite unexpectedly and feel like you lost control of yourself. It also makes sense to feel like you need an escape by any means when you are in pain. I feel that with all my heart.

But it’s so awesome that you actually decided to go back to therapy. This is a good choice, friend. You need a safe space where you can get those things off your chest and be acknowledged for it. You need a space where you can express this pain and find relief. Because you don’t have to feel like this all the time. There are people willing to listen to what you have to say and support you the best way possible.

You’ve probably been very strong for a long time, but it’s okay to struggle and to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You don’t deserve to live with this pain. And you also don’t deserve to hurt yourself. There is a life ahead, better experiences to live, good memories to create. It wasn’t your last day when you had this breakdown. It won’t be tomorrow or in December either. Give yourself the time you need. Be patient with your heart, my friend. It’s begging you to listen, to slow down and take the time you need to heal. And when you decide to go back to therapy, when you’re sharing here about what’s going on, you’re listening to it, and it shows how brave you are right now.

Keep listening to yourself. Keep reaching out. Keep using resources that are healthy and available. It might feel like you are hitting rock bottom, but if that’s the case then you can only get up and try differently. And you won’t be alone through this. You are not hopeless, and you are not helpless. For what it’s worth coming from a stranger, I’m really proud of you for going back to therapy and being here. Thank you again for sharing all of this. That really means a lot.

Keep us updated, if you’re okay with it. <3