Well the title sums up how I feel, I have high functioning autism so my character differs greatly from normal people, my mind sees the world very differently from most people. so I’ve been extremely misunderstood by several people, and taken for a disgusting filthy weirdo who’s mentally retarded and creepy.
Now I’ve recently started smoking weed and it’s made me take a good look at my life and my image, and reflect on all of the altercations and constant problems i faced with people in the past., it sorts of makes me feel sometimes i was the cause for all the people to make fun of me and my appearance which I have big issues with. It’s even gone as far as beating myself up badly for stupid things I did as a child when I was oblivious of others opinions. I’ve recently developed terrible self esteem and I’m one of those people whose mind works so fast I cant properly take time out to process what I say to people. so that has caused problems and affected my relationships,it resulted in me now distancing myself completely from people after horrific experiences and betrayals from people. No one even my ex wanted to be seen with a weirdo like me , like most people either did not take me serious, not respect me and view me with contempt and distain. I feel like an absolute freak which I’ve been called many times and it certainly dosent make me it any better knowing how ugly I am and because of my looks so I cant really get away with add the weird things I say and do. Its therefore caused most people who haven’t seen such a peculiar creature like me to really scratch their heads like what the fuck. I’m usually not one to be ashamed of carrying out activities on my own walking around completely lost in my own world in public, and even in my town I somehow earned myself a reputation for sleeping with any man walking even for money in some instances. So you can only imagine the inner turmoil I face from Within, right now I’m feeling I’m a spectacle something that shouldn’t be touched with a ten foot pole, I oftentimes convince myself the world looks down upon me and is out to get me and I cant even look anyone in the eye as I go about my business. So I feel now the only way to get away with all of me as a whole
is by being one of the most beautiful female speiciems out there if I’m ever spotted walking around. I do get quiet significant number of male attention even from boys who would’ve ridiculed me before but I feel I’ll never be a girl most guys would mind being seen with, I feel I’m nowhere near good enough for most young attractive stable man I feel like I’ll forever be raising eyebrows wherever I go, I feel like a big mistake that never should’ve been born, I know I’m a great person within but the world has been so unkind and horrible to me for years, but then again i realise I was never good enough cos of how I looked how dirty I was and looked and cos of how odd I saw the world, the strange things I said and did, and how loud, giddy, sometimes obnoxious and naive. Just overall my character let alone my outer appearance. I feel I drive most good and competent men away as well as potential friends, I never had any real friends other than one who totally betrayed me by talking to my ex boyfriend whilst we weren’t talking, besides her which I had a few things in common with, I never really bothered since most people I’ve met never showed interest in being my friend after they got to know me a bit better. I dont know if it’s a good idea to even vent here but I guess talking to someone is one way to start helping myself to figure out how to get myself somewhat sane.
I read everything, and I can assure you already: there is nothing wrong with you. Having autism, to have a high processing speed or the way you look don’t make you a weirdo. Nor a freak. Not a retarded person.
It sounds to me that you met people before who were very disrespectful to you. Who reflected on you a lot of hatred that you didn’t deserve. People who betrayed you and their behavior affected your self-esteem deeply. But you know what…? If they didn’t care to be more interested in you, then it’s their loss. I’m sorry you’ve been treated like this. As much as I’m personally glad that you are here. We don’t know each other for sure, but by sharing some parts of your story here you allow those who’ll read you to learn to know you. I honor and respect that, with all my heart.
I do know that some people in the HeartSupport community have shared sometimes about living with autism, what it implies on a daily basis, what it represents to them to be perceived through this diagnosis. You don’t have to shut yourself down from this world because of this. Certainly not. Never. When you know someone (and this goes even beyon autism), it’s a matter of learning to know each other, how each person functions, reacts, perceive this world. You progressively learn to explore the other’s person view, perspective, perceptions. And this goes along with a mutual, honest and respectul communication. Which doesn’t seem to be what you actually received from others before.
Unfortunately, relationships are partially a matter of opportunities and circumstances. We don’t necessarily meet the right people at first. But it doesn’t mean it’s impossible and it doesn’t mean you’d have to give up on yourself. We need others to feel loved, needed, valued, seen. Just because as humans we crave for social interactions. But who you are, your worth, will never be defined by your relationships. You matter, friend. Even if what you’ve been told or shown before makes you think the opposite. I believe that you are here, sharing this, for a reason. You know this was unfair and it shouldn’t have been like this. You know, deep inside, that you are not those negative things you said about yourself. You are so, so, so much more. And not even a 1% of what you conclude. And I get it, really. I know, from my own experience, how much we can feel bad about ourselves because of others behaviors. But it doesn’t mean it’s right.
The good news is, you just entered in a very loving community. And you are loved just as you are right now. Regardless of what you’ve been through and despite of what you may think about yourself. There is hope for you. There is love for you. You are always welcome to vent here when you need it. To discuss. To share what’s in your mind or share your daily victories. If you ever want to talk privately, my DMs are open to you. And feel free to join our Discord as well: https://discord.gg/NbHU8k, the interactions there are more direct if it’s something you would prefer. 
Also I’d like to share with you the following video as a reminder that you are worthy of love:
Sending love your way.
This post hits home for me. I have asperger’s sydrome and I completely understand your points of view. I have two separate affinities: space and Dragon Ball Z. I can tell you anything you want to know about space and my room is full of DBZ statues and funko pops. If you want to know anything about space, like how far away a certain star is, or what the biggest star ever discovered is, or black holes(my personal favorite), or anything about space, Im your guy. But I understand the struggles of high functioning autism. Growing up I was an outcast. Made fun of daily for being wierd and unusual, just because of the things that I would say or do, or things that I would get stuck on and obsessed with. I was bullied and called retarded. To this day, there are still certain people that make fun of me. Yeah, it hurts but I cant do anything to change their minds. As much as it sucks, that’s just something people like us go through.
First, you are not ugly, everyone has a beauty about them. Secondly, you are unique. Not wierd or annoying. People with autism have specific things they are good at. Like really good at. For me that’s the science and math of space. My friend Kyle, who also has asperger’s syndrome, excels in arts. He has painted miniatures that have won national competitions. A kid, Chris, I graduated with is now a nuclear engineer for the airforce. We are all different, but we all have something we are masters in and I’m sure you have something that you blow others away in. You are loved.
Im glad you shared this, and I’m sorry that I am just now replying, Ive been MIA for the past week.