I live in a motel (sui tw) (sh tw) (ed tw) (csa/sa tw)

[caseyhatestrying]

When you want privacy, there’s the small asf bathroom. Other than that, you’re sol. I have no job, nowhere to go, barely ever anything to do. I am trans and I feel so fucking invalidated but I’m trying. I’m trying to love myself when I have genuinely hated myself since I was 8. I’m 23. So, for 15 years, I never even thought just LIKING myself was possible. I have been suicidal for a bit longer. I would starve myself for weeks at a time hoping I would be “good enough”. I would cut myself any time I wanted to eat. I have been looked at as a sexual object since 4. I have one friend who’s busy with a baby and an s/o who’s long distance and going through shit himself. I don’t have anyone to talk to about the shit going on in my mind. I think I lost my therapist cause she hasn’t sent any appointment allerts recently and I don’t remember when my stupid appointment was supposed to be because she doesn’t give those time cards, either. There is so much noise in my mind and in my environment and I wish it would go away. Shit, I’m sure if I went away, everything in life would be so much better. I wouldn’t be so burdening and no one would have to deal with me no more. All I gotta say is I am glad I gave mental health recovery a chance before deciding this. I just can’t do this anymore and I don’t see nothing about me getting better. Not my bpd, anxiety, autism, dissociating. nothing. I don’t see no point in me staying alive. ALSO, my uncle literally lives in the building next to me and he looks at me like something he wanted to fuck but is mad he couldn’t. So that is so fun having to deal with. He left, finally, and the manager here said she would call the cops if he came back. I’m assuming he’s allowed to stay because my mom never got a restraining order against him or anything. He doesn’t know we’re here but he saw my brother so honestly? He might have an idea. Haha but I’m doing so well . I’m too scared to leave the fucking house now and I had LITERALLY just gotten over that.

[taylor]

Hey friend thank you for sharing what you are going through here it sounds like there is so much going on right now and I’m sure it feels so overwhelming. Like you don’t even know which painful situation to pay attention to because everywhere you turn it’s just hurt and more hurt.

First I want to provide a couple of resources that might be helpful.

1. It sounds like you are struggling with self harm and we actually have a self harm workbook that you can do the exercises right here on the forum. HeartSupport Workbooks - #2 by Sledge

2. I got to interview Yungblud last year and he speaks to feeling like there is something wrong with him and I thought his interview was so encouraging and it might help you too HS - Talk To Someone About How You Feel - YungBlud Interview - YouTube

I am so sorry that this is the pain you are experiencing right now and I know it doesn’t feel like it but there is hope and healing. I also want you to know that you are brave and that you are wonderful just as you are. It takes so much bravery to post here, to be open about your identity in a new place to keep fighting when everything hurts. I’m proud of you friend.

Sending love,

T