From Kashmir: I live with my mom and my dad lives in another country to work, and my mom always get angry for no reason. “Scratch my back”, I do so, and she gets mad and swears at me, and that scratchs me really hard saying “Do you not know how to scratch?” I say I do, and then she makes me swear to god (I’m Christian) and then sigh dramatically and say “You will receive divine punishment”. In fact, I’ve heard her swear at me more times than she calls me by my name. I’m always kicked out of the house, cursed at, told to kill my self, etc. She also yells at me about how im stressing her out, and she don’t even care about me, talking about how Im a bad son and that she shouldnt have gave birth to me. Any thoughts?
From Micro: I’m so sorry this is happening <@691994877625630761>. In no way should a parent ever treat their child that way. What you are going through is, objectively, emotional abuse, and that is not how it should be in a family. You should have the possibility to feel loved and safe at your home. No one has the right to hurt you, and that includes your parents.
How would you feel about calling a helpline (or using an online chat) to reach out to child services, which could really help you in your situation? I know personally how scary that can be, so that’s why I’m asking first. You have done a very great job at reaching out here, and we’d love to support you while asking for help to services who could help you more directly, as well as helping your parents.
I’m proud of you for being here and opening up about what’s going on at your home.
From Kashmir: I’m used to it, and I’m trying to be a “good son”. I don’t feel like getting my parents in trouble, as I’m the only one who feels all these things. I want to keep quiet, but sometimes I don’t think I can hold it in. Can you recommend me any ways that I could release the stress without involving my parents?
From Micro: I hear you on the need to not get your parents in trouble. Although getting them in trouble would mean that you would be responsible of their actions, which you aren’t. They are adults, and they are responsible of what they do or say. What your mom has been doing is not something that you would have directed or influenced in any way.
I know it can be scary to put our parents in trouble if we report what’s going on. I’ve been where you are, when I was younger, and I was really scared by the idea of letting someone else know, someone more “official”. My mom was physically and verbally violent with me, and I definitely needed spaces where I could talk about it.
Something that I realized as an adult though, is how much accountability for parents is also something that serves them. There are situation when, to be helped, people need to first become aware of what they are doing, and to understand why it is wrong. There are parents who need help to learn how to be good parents, and child services are equipped to provide that help. When you reach out to them, workers there don’t intervene with the perspective of punishing you or your parents. They actually are equipped to help your parents understand why what they do is wrong, and to learn how they can do better, while ensuring that your safety is preserved. Their goal is really to help families stay together, and for parents to learn how to be safe, loving, caring parents to their children.
It also makes completely sense to want to be quiet and to have a hard time holding it in. Being told repeatedly that we are essentially worthless and that we shouldn’t exist is very brutal and hard to deal with. It creates deep emotions, and at some point you just need to let it out. A good “old” way to release stress is to allow yourself to cry when you feel like you need it - and when you can. Crying releases chemicals that help soothe your body and fight against the stress it feels. If you feel angry, I’d encourage you to scream in a pillow or even to punch it. Make sure to keep it on a soft furniture (like a sofa or a bed) so you don’t hurt yourself. If you’re into writing, journaling is a good tool to allow yourself to vent every emotion and thought you need, without the fear of being judged for it. If you need it to be fully safe and hidden, there are softwares/apps that allow you to add a password on a file, or if you use a physical notebook, finding a place to keep it can be good.
All of these suggestions though are only meant to put a bandaid on a deep wound, friend. The real issue is the environment you are in - which you didn’t choose -, and there will be a need for it to change, because your job is not to endure things the way they are. You deserve to feel safe and loved. Always.
From Micro: Through it all, and especially as you don’t have friends you would trust, please don’t stay alone with all of this. Even though you are used to it, that doesn’t mean that it’s how it should be. You matter so very much.
From Kashmir: Thank you very much for the idea of venting it out, I’ve never really done such things, I’ve always stayed quiet when others complained, and never found a way to let it out.
From Micro: It can be a little bit uncomfortable at first if you never done it (the fear of burdening others, of being “too much”, etc.). But it’s really important to not let things pile in. How you feel is important, and it deserves to be heard.
From Kashmir: Thank you, I’m gonna start
soon (after my end of year exams), and I hope it will help. Thank you so much for your comforting words and suggestions, and I hope you have a great day.
From Micro: You are most welcome. Feel always free to reach out here as well. You’re definitely not alone.