I lost my independence

I’ve been doing better the past couple of months, but I knew it couldn’t last long. It was too good to be true.

I use to be so independent. I started dating my ex in November of 2017. He was a great person but we didn’t click at all. He is codependent and I am not. I honestly don’t know why I stayed with him so long. We dated nearly a year, and the entire year I felt miserable and angry. I like to be on my own or out adventuring with my friends. He didn’t like anything I did unless it involved just the two of us, and even then I always seemed to do something wrong. Part of me always felt like something was off, but I kept acting like things were fine because “he might be the one.” His mom started (quite literally) making me uncomfortable at their house, and then began cyberbullying me. I brushed that off at first, but when a grown woman is telling you you’re a piece of shit and that her son deserves better than you (when you have already given up the parts of your life that keep you sane for him) you realize enough is enough. She even posted a photo with his ex girlfriend with a caption that said I could never “hold a candle to this radiant one” on her business page. And my ex did nothing but tell me to stay off of his mom’s social media, because if I did I “would’ve never saw it and it wouldn’t have been a problem.”

My point in bringing that up is that I was isolated for about a year. I had no outlet because I gave them all up for him. I gave up adventures, the gym, and pushed my dreams aside. I gave up my independence, and now I feel like I’m left with nothing. I’ve made a friend over the past couple of months. The problem is that I feel like I can’t do anything on my own anymore. My new friend has helped me build my confidence back up, but today I’m slipping. I feel like I can’t even go run errands without being accompanied, just because I’m afraid to be alone.

Everyone keeps yelling at me to get my shit together. I really wish I could. I don’t know how to tell them what is really going on inside of my head because I don’t want sympathetic looks or for them to think that I’ve become a failure. I just want someone to believe in me again and reassure me that I won’t be like this forever. I feel like no one around me understands when I try to explain, either that or they just don’t care and change it to their problems. I’m always the listener, never the one who gets listened to.

Part of me doesn’t expect anyone to understand because I can’t even understand it myself. How do I go from finally feeling normal again, to suddenly feeling like I’m the least important person in everyone’s life that is around me? How do I pick myself up and do things on my own when I’ve become so use to catering to someone else’s every need, but never my own? How do I cope with that fact that I’M the one who allowed all of that to happened to me for so long?

I truly cannot say I know how all of that feels, because I truly do not, but I can grab the idea and get an idea of how you feel:devastated, and that’s okay. We all have our lows and make some mistakes in life and poor decisions. Don’t let this keep you down forever. It’s okay to cry and let anger and frustration out, but my advice to you is definitely pick that gym membership back up if economically possible. get exposure to sunlight as seasonal depression is in full swing, and even for anybody that doesn’t deal with Major Depressive Syndrome, it can help boost the mental state. Just try and think to when you were the happiest you could be last, and take a little step by step to earn all of that back. Make new friends, join groups, find new hobbies, try out making YouTube videos if you’ve ever been interested in that. Trying stuff and failing will never hurt you. A little quote I heard a while ago (forgot where it’s from) “I’d rather aim high and miss rather than aim low and hit”. But if you happen to hit when you aim high you’ll feel great. Don’t worry about your ex. Try and focus on what makes you happy and chase that until it kills you. Never stop striving for greatness. One of my other favorite quotes, which happens to be from Hopsin in Ill Mind 8, “If you never get rid of the wrong friends, how will you ever make the right friends?” HOLD STRONG <3