I lost my pillar of support

[Bart]

I lost my best friend… I lost my last pillar of support…

After years of continuous bullying at school and traumas at home I started losing myself more and more to the point where I considered suicide as an exit from everything…

I wish a pause button of sorts existed, too many things are happening at the same time that I just want to pause and reconsider everything and collect myself but I just can’t do it.

Without a doubt HeartSupport is one of the BEST communities out there and with all the support from here I’m still breaking down.

I can’t stop reliving the scenario of hearing about her committing suicide…
With everything that’s been happening with my parents not supporting me at all and then the suicide on top of everything broke me completely that I started to self harm.

I believe that it’s my fault she ended her life… I believe it’s my fault that I wasn’t a good enough friend to support her to not get to that point.

If only I had more time…

Before HeartSupport she was my only light at the end of the tunnel…
She was the only way for me to relax and escape from everything happening.

My parents essentially fight everyday and argue with each other so they aren’t too much of a support.
Whenever something in the house happens I’m the first to blame no matter of the context, no matter of what actually happened.

I tried talking to them about everything but they brush it off each time as “Stop lying! None of that is happening to you” they don’t even believe that she committed…

It really hits deep when your own family doesn’t believe you when you need them the most…

Everyday I have memories of all the good times I’ve had with her and each time that thought comes up “It’s my fault she took her life!” which I don’t want to believe but I just do for some reason.

Maybe I’m just a bad friend… I should have seen it, I could have stopped it…

I’m stuck… Stuck in this loop of suicidal thoughts, emotional breakdowns and disbelief of everything

I just don’t see the point in fighting the same fight every time just to end up at the bottom again…
I want to stop fighting… I want to be genuinely happy again, happy without a mask.

I’m considering suicide again honestly… Maybe it is a valid escape?

[mufcninja]

@Bart you matter. I am truly sorry that you lost your friend. She was your world and was there for you. I want you to know that you did not cause her to do that it is not your fault that she passed away. I know you may think you caused it but you did not. I want you to know that everyone here at Heartsupport cares about you and will be there for you. Allow yourself to grieve it is okay to miss her, but I want you to know that you are not suffering alone. It is okay to reach out and talk to someone whether it is here on Heartsupport or someone offline. I’m sorry that your parents fight and blame you for things. Keep hanging in there and know that we are here for you.

[Bart]

I know that this community is here for me.

It’s just hard hanging in there and fighting, all I want is for all of it to end…

[Monkey]

Hey Bart,

First I want to say thank you for reaching out. You are so loved, and you matter so much! My heart breaks for you, I cried as I read your post, not only for your pain, but we’ve got a semi-similar story, which made me want to reach out to you even more, because I get it to some extent, and I see your feelings, and I see your hurt and your pain.

It’s easy when people who haven’t lost someone they loved, or someone who was their pillar of support and take their own life, and say oh well don’t blame yourself, so I get that my friend! I do. And I want to tell you that it’ll get better, that it’ll get easier but hell I still struggle with that battle every single day. But I really want you to know most importantly that you are not alone, and that it’s okay for you to be hurting right now, and to not be okay.

I’m sitting in the spot right now of wishing that I could just put my life on pause, that I could just go back and look at everything, to change my choices, to try to see what I could have done differently, and well unfortunately like you said we can’t. So we are stuck in the storm, trying to process everything, with more things being thrown at us, and it’s like I can’t process all of this when there’s still so much going on. My encouragement for you friend is to keep going, don’t give up, and try not to look to the mistakes you made in the past. And believe me I know that is easier said then done.

Now I need to say something, and please to everyone else in this community, don’t take this as a slap in the face, but this community isn’t a magical healing power that will take all your pain away, and take away all the issues going on in your life, and make you happy all of a sudden. And believe me friend, I fought that feeling. Like I have this entire community around me that says that they love and care about me (which they do) yet I feel so alone, and I’m still hurting, I want you to know that, that’s okay. It’s okay to still be hurting, it’s okay to feel like you’re not really feeling healing right now, I’ve been around for two years now, and I still struggle with that, so please please don’t beat yourself up.

As far as the struggle with your family not believing you, and not being supportive, I see you on that, and it really really sucks. But what your parents do and say are not your fault. Your parents feeding you lies about your worth, or blaming you for things, doesn’t mean that it’s true. And believe me this isn’t easy. This is the same conversation my mentor has been having with me for several weeks now. You have value, and you have worth whether people tell you daily or not. And it’s hard because you want your parents to love you and be supportive, but you also need to know that just because they aren’t doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve that love and support.

I would love to chat with you and be here for you in anyway possible. If you’d like to chat more feel free to send me a dm here, or you can send me an email @ [email protected] and I would love to chat with you! Please know that you are loved, and you matter! Please don’t give up and keep fighting. Also, it’s not your fault! <3

Much Love!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey

[George_Mallory]

I do not own a gun. I have never seen a gun in person. When I get stressed, I think about blowing my brains out with a gun even though doing this is impossible. My brain is telling me that I want whatever is going on to end, not that it’s working out how to be quit of living. When the ways to kill myself become plausible I start to worry. Googling “suicide” or “crisis” will get you crisis help line numbers (talk and text) and web chat (on the suicide prevention helpline website). The emergency number where you live (911 or 999 or 000 etc.) also works.

Mental illness is hereditary which means that if you have mental illness at least one of your parents probably has mental illness, too. It might explain why they argue and why they refuse to acknowledge that their perfect child might be enduring as much pain as they are. One of your parents might be arguing with the other about how what you are telling them is at least somewhat real. Maybe one of your parents is having a psychotic break. You should keep a journal of what suicidal or incredibly negative thought happened when with great detail, if you can. This can help make your parents realize things are serious.

Inpatient psychiatric is somewhat notorious for being unpleasant because it really is not pleasant at all, but it is also the only “pause button” that I know of when it comes to mental illness. It is also a sort of alternative to suicide. People realize how serious everything is for you and you get to stop living in the outside world for a bit.

Suicide is the atom bomb of emotions. It leaves toxic fallout that goes beyond grief and into guilt and shame. I want you to make a list of everything that you did to make your friend kill herself, keeping in mind that she had as much free will as you do. I want you to make a list of everything that you could have done to prevent her suicide but did not. The items on these lists need to be plausible (no mind reading or knowing then what you can only know in retrospect). Copy them into heartsupport so that we can go over them and show how each item is right and how each item is wrong and why and what you can do to avoid future thinking errors. It would be better to do this with a therapist. Make a list of every kind thing that you did to her and tape it on the wall near your pillow and read it every night before you go to sleep. Once everyone/a therapist has gone over your first two lists and shown you how the things you put there are wrong, pick the best reasons why you are wrong and tape those on the wall near your pillow and read them when you go to bed and when you wake up. Crying is ok. Grieving is always allowed. Trying to find motive by mind reading and then blaming yourself is something that you should never do.

I am good at being sneaky and clever. If I ever kill myself I will get it right the first time and nobody will know until it is too late. There will be no note. There is nothing anyone else can reasonably do about this. To be safe I have to make and follow the rules of my own internal safety plan. I have to speak up when I’m in trouble and before I am suicidal. I am not the only person like this. Sometimes you cannot see warning signs because there are no outward warning signs, even among best friends, siblings, and spouses. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about something someone else has done. Ultimately I am the only person who can make sure that I do not kill myself and you are the only person who can prevent you killing yourself and your friend had the final say in the argument about taking her own life. We can only give support to others. We cannot make them happy.

Please keep going. Let’s cure suicide, starting with ourselves.