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I love my boyfriend but he loves alcohol more

I have found my soulmate. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. Caring, honest, protective, etc. and he’s a Godly man as well. We have the most fun times and hilarious times together. I cannot imagine being with anyone else.

But he turns to alcohol when stressed or depressed. We both deal with depression and anxiety. But I have learned healthy coping mechanisms; he hasn’t found his.
He refuses to admit he’s an alcoholic just because he doesn’t drink everyday but it’s so bad when he does. It hurts me and I’m to the point where if it happens again, I’ll have to let him go.

I’ve asked him to go to AA or to church with me but we don’t share the same faith and he doesn’t think he needs AA.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Hey shortcats,

Im happy that you have found someone that you want to spend your life with and that is great. The thing about alcoholism, from what i have been told, is that a person can only get help when he admits he has a problem and accepts the help. Though we may want to, we cant force people to get the help they dont want to get. While I agree that AA is something that he may need to do, he has to be the one to go.

At the end of the day, the best person to look out for yourself is you, by him refusing to accept the help, he is going to bring the people around him down and that may include you. You have to be the one to do what is best for you and if that means leaving him until he accepts the help then that is what may need to be done. Its not the most fair option but it may be what is best to help yourself and what you are going through.

Hope this helps,
Yummerz

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Hey

I say if you can maybe talk to a therpist, I know religion help people too. But I do feel you have respect that he dosent want go to church. However, I do feel if can come off from the drinking, it will help. Also, I can try give some tips for anxitey that I used.

  1. Sqeezing you fist or feet for 4 second while breathing in, then hold your breath for 2 seconds, then release your breath for 4 seconds.
  2. Yoga
  3. Walk
  4. pick up active hobby, like skateboarding, jogging or anything that active.

I have amdit I do struggle with drinking myself, I thinks it because I wait till I was 21 and then drank a few time. However, Im been cutting back and think helping me more. So it just to have few drink on the weekends. If I do drink, I take my time and not using to cure my problems. I do feel seeing an therpist is important.

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@shortcats
Thank you for sharing friend. I haven’t been in this situation myself, but I do know some people who have been. Please make sure that you are safe in this situation. If staying in this situation is dangerous please let it go. I know that you have faith in this person and it sounds like you’re really great for each other. But if in those alcoholic states you are not safe, please voice your concerns with him. It may be scary, but you need to be safe. Please keep us updated friend.
Hold fast, you’re worth it.
~Sarah

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I am fighting something similar. My Fiancee has had issues int he past that is causing him to go to porn. I have been told by everyone I dated in the past that porn is my replacement. As well as videos of my rape are out there. I know, I’ve been trying to take them down for 10 years. I have told him about this and how it bothers me, but even if he tries he can’t seem to overcome it. I have opened up this past weekend on how together we can work past this.
You want to believe, but this one thing rips you apart. You need to call him out, try to help him. If he does say “It’s not bad” tell him It CAN be terrible and he CAN be hurt if he let’s it continue. Be honest, tell him you hate the fact he is acting like this makes you think it’s not work being with him. The honesty will maybe hurt him and cause some anger, but it’s better you call him out and tell him you want to help, try to think of EVERY way to fight.
You said AA and church is being denied, try other ways, hobbies, talk to his family. You can help him realize this can become an issue and help him heal. I know you can do this and you have the right to worry. My Father lost his battle with the bottle and his demons. I don’t want you to feel that pain. If you love him, fight for him, fight with him. But if everything fails you have to take care of yourself first.

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I’m going to be 1 year clean on Friday after 7 years of not being able to go an hour without being high. The only reason I was able to even start going to NA and working the steps, is because these people in this community didn’t really give me a choice. There was no excuse that was good enough for them to let me get away with putting off my recovery… Sometimes, you HAVE to take that choice away.
Honestly. Sometimes, just the threat of losing the person they love is enough to push them to take that first step WITH your support.
Offer to go to an AA meeting with him. If you’re also an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic, you can go to those meetings, even if they’re not open ones… Tell him you would like to go to help you with YOUR recovery, and you would like his support. Getting him there might be that first step, if he doesn’t think it’s for himself, he MIGHT be more willing.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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That seems to be a difficult situation. It’s impossible for someone to change unless they recognize it as a problem and want to change.
I would agree with Danjo said on stream today when we discussed your topic. Make sure you are doing what you need to protect yourself.

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I too have been a partner with a severe binge alcoholic for many years. As a co dependent it’s very hard to cope and care for yourself first as you want to help and forgive your loved one. Alanon can help you deal with the situation and work thru things. In the end you need to decide what matters most and that is to be true to yourself. If leaving a toxic relationship is the answer then follow thru with your decision. Put your life and happiness first. You can’t save or change any one else from themselves. That is their choice and till they make that decision you only enable them to continue destructive behaviors. It is their struggle and not yours so distancing yourself might be the best option til they deal with their addiction. Be strong, think clearly and do what’s best for your happiness.

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My sister grew up saying she would never drink, because our dad was an alcoholic and his continual drinking and abusive behavior caused our parents to split. Around 22 my sister did start drinking and quickly slumped into similar alcoholic tenancies as my dad. Over 7 years the problem only got worse, and she was so turned off by therapy, AA, and any other sort of professional help and guidance. I think she knew she had a problem but didn’t think anyone could help her. It seemed from the outside that she liked playing the victim. She was causing so much pain to herself and everyone in our family.

She had to move back into my mom’s house around 3 years ago. My sister would get drunk and pick aggressive verbal fights with my mom. I had to separate myself from my sister about 2 years ago, because every conversation ended with her blaming me for her life’s problems, calling me selfish and entitled. It broke me.

We just had to take action and finally hosted an intervention. She continued to be aggressive throughout the process and spit on the kitchen floor when I tried to talk to her. After a ton of episodes and a few hours later she finally decided to a facility. I’m hoping she’s getting better. But my suggestion is to talk to other people that your boyfriend is close to (friends or family) and let them know how you are feeling, because likely they have similar interactions and feelings. And if you don’t feel comfortable with that, find a support group that can help you through dealing with these complications in your relationship. It is so empowering to come together and support the other people who are affected by the heartbreaking issues around alcoholic behavior. It hurts, but it heals. I wish you all the best. Just remember that his actions are never your fault. He is choosing to react in the way that he does. You are not any less for that.

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Thank you all very much for the response; I’m overwhelmed!

He has even said his family wants him to stop drinking. He knows he’s on the verge of being an alcoholic so he promised he would quit drinking all together. He realizes what happens to him and the people around him when he drinks.

I’m just scared that his word isn’t enough.
He’s still reluctant to going to any type of therapy for alcohol. He thinks just going back to the gym is going to keep him focused and away from alcohol.

I swore to him if he drank again, I’m done.
I don’t want to be done but I do know that’s what might be needed if he decides to screw up again.

If he knew I was writing about him he would probably be upset with me. But I really wish I could show him these responses.

Hi Shortcats,

I understand what you are going through. I had a very similar situation with my ex. She would always turn to alcohol for EVERYTHING. She would always get drunk on Sundays & show up to my house in that condition while wanting to be intimate when I wasn’t attracted to that & instead caused fights. It was a nightmare dealing with her functional alcoholism. The sad thing is they will never admit their problem until they hit ROCK BOTTOM & this came from a recovering alcoholic who shared this information. Sadly the best thing to do is let them go or if you feel they are worth saving then keep trying. But remember, at some point they won’t be saved until they themselves want to be saved. Keep being a loving gf and a helpful person. We need more of these people in this world!

@shortcats

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I am so grateful for the support and love.
My boyfriend listened to this as well to hear an outside perspective. And it has reached him. He’s upset of course but I think it opened his eyes a lot. Thank you again.