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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to How Could You Leave Us by NF
I’m 46. My mom killed herself when I was 18. I’ve been broken ever since that day. This song perfectly expresses how I feel. I don’t know how or who to ask for help. I don’t want to do this to my kids. @heartsupport
I want to say I am sorry you lost your kom, my condolences. Thay is very heart wrenching. I had loat a close friend from suicide and honestly my world has turned around to darkness. I didnt know how to move forward. I couldnt accept his passing, I felt alone and abondoned it was so much questions I had that i couldnt get an answer too.
Over time the grieving process even though was soo horrible, later on i had to accept he had pass and it was ok to grieve in peace before I go senile. I was in so much in pain that i needed peace. I had prayed, doing affirmation, doing deep breathing for my own sake of my lungs.
All I can say is take a day at a time til you are ready to accept. There isnt no time frame for grievance.
Decades of pain and grief that feel unending and utterly suffocating; that type of suffering feels impossible to even articulate through words. How could anyone possibly move past something like what you have had to endure? And then the thoughts of fear come, and you start to worry that you might effect your own kids in a similar way. Those thoughts are scary and I can’t imagine how much anxiety and despair those feelings must create.
For me, when I feel burdened by the weight of my past, I feel defeated, as if there is no point in even trying to “move on,” because come on, that’t not really possible, is it? I don’t know. Often things come to us that we could never expect, and we can’t move past them. I don’t know why, and maybe we’re not supposed to know now. Often in those moments of defeat I place some sense of blame on myself or I become terrified that my past will destroy the hope of my future. The pain of my past can be such a heavy burden that I almost expect it to materialize in my future and pass on to my loved ones.
Unfortunately I think suffering is often not supposed to be simply “fixable.” The point of our pain, even thought we don’t know it, does not serve to give us a clear answer. Instead, often our pain happens, it hurts terribly, and there’s no easy way out of it. However, I do believe there IS a way to experience life and joy even if this pain still lingers. First, the beauty of music to connect us with other humans who are suffering alongside us, that is a gift that proves you are not alone right now. In this song, NF says “music is the only place that I can go to speak to you.” When all else fails and we feel so trapped inside our pain, small slivers of hope remain present in so many ways–here, it might be with music. When we don’t have the language to articulate how we feel, we can resonate with someone else’s story. That is a beautiful thing, and it suggests that as humans we are not meant to suffer alone. It can be so difficult to ask for help, and I have struggled with that a lot in my own battles. I’m still struggling with that so often. But you can, there are people who love you so dearly, and your battles are not meant to be won in isolation.
I wish I could take away all the pain and grief that must weigh heavy on your heart, my friend. But while I can’t, I can relate to that isolation and fear that you have felt for so long. I am in the midst of my own pains, and being able to notice each other and find small, simple beauty in connecting over grief can give hope to move on at least one more day, every day. That simple hope is sometimes all we’re meant to believe in, and for right now, I believe that hope is available for you, no matter the brokenness you feel. I am here for you today. Every step forward is a step above that fear and insecurity you may feel, and each day is living proof that there is meaning and value in your existence. I am so glad you are here, my friend, and you are loved more than you could ever know.
I’m so sorry you lost your mom this way. Even all these years later, it does not get easier to live without a parent. You experience all the things that they missed in your own life and your children’s lives, and you start feeling so regretful for their loss as well as your mom’s loss of all the love everyone missed. People tell us that it gets easier with time, but that’s a lie. It doesn’t get easier, and the pain is different every time it hits… and it hits randomly without warning. I lost my mom over the summer, and i’m always shocked at how difficult some days are, when others move on smoothly without any problems. You’re not alone in how you feel. Sad, lonely, confused, hurt, angry… It’s okay to feel all of those things as often as you need to. Just don’t lose yourself in those feelings. Stay grounded in the Present, and allows yourself to “feel” when you need to feel.
It’s one of the most difficult things in the world to be the one left behind. The one left to pick up the pieces of your own broken and shattered life…your kids are lucky to have such a strong person in their lives. You’ve walked everyday through this pain and you are showing them how to live their lives even when they don’t want to anymore. You are breaking the cycle of “doing this to your kids” with your inner strength, and your desire to keep going through all the Dark times.
It’s difficult to ask for help because it’s hard to admit that we need help. And then it’s difficult to find the help we’re actually looking for when we finally do reach out. I’m so grateful that you took the step by just introducing yourself and telling us your story. Please know that I’m thinking about you and I hope you find some peace inside the pain you live with.
Carmony