Today I realize how a much piece of shit I am, I try to be a better person, but I can’t be selfish. I post on Facebook much I hate myself, why I hate myself and said to my friend fuck you.
I try DBT, thanks to Obama and trump I don’t have health insurance to get it. Even I try get help it never work out. I try meditation every day, I try exercises, I try eating healthy and I try everything. Hopefully I will die soon, so my friend abs family don’t have to suffer.
However thank you guy on heartsupport that did try to help out. Your words mean a lot to me and you at least listen. My parent had enough of me, and I don’t blame them.
I’m so sorry you were having a rough time… you don’t deserve any of this. And you are not all the negative things you might think about yourself. I understand the temptation to blame ourselves endlessly when we make a mistake or something we’re not proud of. But mistakes happen, friend. And it will keep happening. But it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live or be happy. You are worthy of love, no matter what.
I just wanted to be normal or a good person
Good people doesn’t exist - at least in my opinion. We’re all humans. We have strengths and flaws. We accomplish great stuff but we also do mistakes from time to time. I hear that you’re blaming yourself for what happened. But I also hear all the efforts you’re doing to progress. That is something you can be proud of, friend. Always. And even if you don’t see the results right now, it doesn’t mean it’s not working or that it’s not worth it. It only means that it takes time.
Changing ourselves, creating new habits, chosing healthier coping mechanisms is hard. It’s a difficult process, with lots of ups and downs. We trade old ways to be for new ones. But every time you try, it’s a victory.
I understand that we’d like to see the result of our efforts as soon as possible when life is just really tough. Recently, I realized that I’ve been stuck in a depressive rut for a couple of months. It’s hard to get out of it. Everyday it feels like I need to spend a lot of energy for almost insignificant results… while it’s so easy to fall in old habits. Yet perseverance is a key here.
You can be proud of your efforts, friend. And I have no doubt that you’ll be this person you want to be, according to your own standards. Just take it easy. Try to be gentle with yourself. What happened with your friend is something that, maybe, they could understand. When someone’s struggle, they can become very defensive and mean. I’ve been this person saying “f*ck you” to others when I was struggling. And I’ve been also the friend receiving those words when I wanted to help. It doesn’t mean your friend wouldn’t understand how you were feeling at the moment. At least, I hope with all my heart that there will be some mutual understanding and a possibility for both of you to discuss together.
You are enough as you are. And you are loved. Regardless of what happened.
