I’m a waste of space that hurts everyone around me

I feel like my whole life since I was 11 has been defined by how messed up my head is and how horrible and worthless of a person I am

I’m on medication and have received treatment via therapy for several years now, and I do have good days very occasionally, but more often than not I’m plagued by just how worthless of a human being I am, and how burdensome I am to others, no matter what this feeling always returns, sometimes in really violent moodswings

I work and go to school, part-time for both, but I’m not really accomplishing much of anything. The only reason I work is because I have to in this depressing system where money is required to get by, and I don’t even know how long it’s going to take me to get my degree because I can’t take the regular four classes a semester without getting overwhelmed.

Other than that, when I’m at home, I can’t bring myself to do anything, not even things I enjoy like video games. All I do is sleep or stay in bed on my phone. It makes me not want to eat or anything because I’m not even deserving of food with how much space I waste just doing nothing and helping nobody. Of course I eventually give in and eat anyway because I’m too weak to actually act on that

My parents are always having to help me with things like my car breaking down or paying off an unexpected vet bill or paying for my car insurance- my mom at least insists it’s fine and not to worry but I don’t know. Objectively all I do is take resources from them and, again, just sort of occupy space in my dads house without contributing anything. They’d probably be better off never having to worry about me again

What friends I have I’m constantly anxious about my interactions with them. After every meetup I begin to worry that they’re contemplating how we stand based on my actions of that day. I hate being vulnerable around them or talking about my issues because I’ve been on the other side of those conversations and I know hearing about it really isn’t fun. And that anxiety has increased tenfold since one of my friends had to see me horribly blackout drunk and covered with vomit on the floor and be with me the whole time just to make sure I didn’t die of alcohol poisoning or anything (though I kind of wish I did). Since then I’ve pretty much clammed up and am almost paralyzed with guilt, and that incident was a while ago. I just take and take from the people in my life constantly

I don’t know. One constant in my life is just how much I feel like a waste of space. My depression about this could be a lot worse and result in a lot of bad behavior to myself since I’m on my medication and it helps mellow that out, but it’s there nonetheless. Even so, I’m gonna be cut from insurance in a few years and back to square one anyway, so why bother? I know when I’m off of it it’s going to get me actively suicidal and there’s an honest chance I could die. I feel so hopeless

Sorry if this was really long. I’m just so lost and have nowhere to go because the ones I care about don’t deserve to share this pain. I put them through enough as it is

If you feel compelled to reply, please know I’m not religious nor do I ever plan to go down that path again. The first time left me very hurt and only worsened a lot of these feelings

Hey @LowerLeftCabinet (is there any significance behind this choice of username?)

You sounds like you haven’t been having a great time (to put it lightly). From the sounds of things, your depression and anxiety have left you paralyzed with fear to the point where you struggle to do the most basic things that I can assure you you are capable of. That is no way to live your life, you have a lot more to offer than that.

Please never discount the immense impact on our lives that our mental state has. I recently had to learn the hard way that a bad mental state can leave you chronically sick and in your case it seems as though you are in such a dark place that anything you do or fail to do just puts you deeper into that hole. It’s unbearable, you need to fight back.

To start off with, try and understand that right now as things stand, you have nothing to lose. You may feel like a failure or a disappointment to your parents but that does not for a second mean you have to stay that way. Let go of the fear tat is pet up inside (easier said than done I know) and try to look at the reality of your circumstances. You may not be progressing quickly in your studies, but every step forward is still a step forward. Every day when you wake up and make a concentrated effort towards your work/studies etc, that’s progress regardless of the outcome of your efforts. Believe it or not, failure is the way to success for without failure we would not be able to realize and rectify our mistakes.

Start of small and work your way up. Make your bed in the mornings, cook meals, meditate, these are the ways you can start rebuilding yourself. Make the effort to face your fears and do the things you think that you can’t do. Even if you fail, you will start to realize that the things that scare you so much really aren’t as terrifying as your depression might make you believe. It is beyond hard, I know, but the alternative is so much worse. As someone who was once in a similar, albeit far less challenging, situation, trust me when I say that there is a way forward. You just need to throw yourself, body and soul, into it and fight your depression and anxiety with everything you have.

Don’t give up friend. Everyday presents us with the opportunity to take steps towards being the person we want to be.

I’m so sorry you are struggling, friend. So much of your heart that you have poured out matches so much of what I feel and go through. Especially lately.

You are not alone and I want you to know that someone sees and hears you. But also cares.

I don’t always have all of the right answers and things to say, especially when so much of what you Express I am going through as well. But I wanted to reach out and let you know that I read your story. And To remind you that you are important and valued.

Whatever it is you have to go through we can all walk through our struggles together here. I support you.

So much love to you