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I’m admitting it to myself


#1

Hi there,
If anyone bothers to read this…

I’m not okay.
Here it is, I said it.

I thought I’m out of the woods, but apparently I’m not.
I was severely depressed for such a long time, and then I got better. I was better for over a year… but I sense this feeling creeping up on me.
I don’t feel great and I don’t know what else to do to not fall into the trap that my thoughts prepared for me. I’ve tried so many things to not go down this path anymore, but I’m not sure it’s working.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, so hopeless and so unwilling to go through the trouble of having to get better again.
I don’t want to tell anyone that I don’t feel well again, I feel like I’m a disappointment to them. I guess they expect me to be all okay now and I don’t want to fail them.

I feel so alone.

I know this is what will eventually make it worse, but I want to try this on my own first I think… i don’t know.

The temptation to give in to my former addictions and let my anxiety take the lead again is so strong, but I haven’t given in yet.
I’m so tired, physically and emotionally and I hate this state of mind.

It doesn’t even make sense.

I don’t have the energy to go though this again, and honestly, I don’t know if i can go through this again, I’m scared I’d just give up for good this time.

And if anybody is still reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m here again. I’m sorry that I’m bad again. I’m sorry that it seems like I’m always complaining. I’m sorry, I really try my best. I’m sorry that I’m bad at being and staying happy. I’m sorry that I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I’m sorry that I’m bothering you with my issues. I’m sorry my old life wants me back. I’m sorry that I am me…


#2

Hi, Fiji,

First of all, don’t apologize for expressing yourself. That’s what this place is for. So we can offer you love and guidance.

I know that things can be hard, but don’t given into those temptations to fall back into bad habits. Those things will only be counter productive. It won’t help you heal and move forward, it’ll trap you in a vicious cycle. I know that when you are hurting that it’s hard not to think about turning to old addictions for comfort, but don’t dig yourself a hole of self destruction my friend.

I know that the process of healing is hard. Change is hard. And changing our attitude is hard. But it is possible. One day at a time, one small goal at a time, you can work towards a healthier you.

It’s hard, I know, when you’re feeling so hopeless, alone and depressed to find motivation to take the steps we need to get better, but it’s important that we take these steps.

What are some small goals that you would like to see yourself achieve?

For me my goals to start off are simple like:

  • Working on my art. I want to thrive towards working on it a little every day, but I know that sometimes that may be asking a lot. So I’d like to at least try to work on something even if it’s just doodling a few times a week. To get my creative juices flowing.

  • I want to get my sleeping schedule back on track. Because when it’s a mess I feel awful. It’s harder to find motivation when my schedule starts getting out of balance

These are just a couple goals I set for myself. I have others, but I won’t bore you. The reason why I set these goals is because when I am creating I am happy! And people appreciate my work. It allows me to potentially make a little side money. Which gives me something to save or spend. It also keeps me busy so I’m not dwelling in my anxiety and depression.

My sleep I want to fix because our bodies can’t function properly if we don’t sleep appropriately. How we eat and sleep is a huge part of our energy and functionality. So we have to make sure we are taking care of ourselves so we can be at our best.

What are some things you’d like to do for yourself? So that you can feel better?

Start setting little goals to work towards making your body and mind happier and healthier. Hobbies, exercising, spending time with friends, any kind of project that you may like or find beneficial. Even something like spring cleaning or re arranging can be refreshing to our mental health.

What would you like to see yourself doing? And how can you make those things happen?

What makes you feel good? These are things you should focus on (:

I hope you get feeling better! Much love.

  • Kitty

#3

@DearKoyangi
Thank you.

I’m really trying to work on my sleep (my Jetlag doesn’t help much on this one :wink: )

I’m so scared I’ll fully fall into this again, I really don’t want to go there again, but I feel like there is no one around who I can actually talk to and tell how I feel.

I guess I’m trying to work more on my music and writing… it’s hard to motivate myself to do anything but yeah…

Thank you!


#4

I understand. I’ve been in a funk myself and haven’t worked on my art in 2-3 weeks.

Now the main thing that’s holding me back is how miserably hot and humid it is in my living space. Ugh. It’s hard to want to do anything when it’s so freaking hot lol

I’d love to see something you’ve worked on. Maybe you could work on something to share with the community? Maybe? If not that’s okay. Just a thought for possible motivation. To share some of what you do with us.


#5

I’ve used to write a ton of poetry, it was the only way I was able to deal with my emotions…
I’m not sure anyone would like to see any of that, and I’m not sure I’m able to create anything new. (Even though I’m working on a huge project that I might never finish)


#6

What is this huge project that you are working on? (:


#7

I’m not sure if I’ll ever finish, or what I’ll do if I ever finish it, but I kinda started writing a book.


#8

Well that’s cool! What is your book about?!


#9

Everything I’ve been through.
I guess it’s my way of processing things…
I know no one will ever read it, but yeah…


#10

I think that’s great! There was a point in my life where I tried to also document the things I’ve been through. I used to write a lot. After a while I decided I didn’t want to do that. I was afraid. It’s hard for me to go back and read the things I write. It always felt so uncomfortable.

But as a whole, I think writing out the things you have experienced is a really good thing. Even if you never publish it or make a big deal of it, it’s still healthy to have a place where you document these things. Like you said, it’s a good way to process things.

Work at is as you feel comfortable. Even if it takes you years. Even if you don’t finish it. Get a nice cover folder for it. Keep it somewhere safe. Maybe some day you will look back at it when things in your life have changed and you will see how far you have come.


#11

Don’t be sorry, about any of that. The fact that you show that much empathy shows that you’ve done more than enough and continue to. We all make mistakes, some more-so than others but I know from experience that those who are overly apologetic think of others before themselves. To an extent, that’s an amazing quality about you. Selflessness is a hard thing to come by, which is a shame. You have selfishness in you, it’s a noble quality, but there’s a line between it and self detrimental. Truth be told I haven’t been able to distinguish the two apparently, but know that your intentions are appreciated very much. Hope that made sense, sorry for the ridiculously long response


#12

Thank you for your response.
Thank you.