If anyone bothers to read this…
I’m not okay.
Here it is, I said it.
I thought I’m out of the woods, but apparently I’m not.
I was severely depressed for such a long time, and then I got better. I was better for over a year… but I sense this feeling creeping up on me.
I don’t feel great and I don’t know what else to do to not fall into the trap that my thoughts prepared for me. I’ve tried so many things to not go down this path anymore, but I’m not sure it’s working.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, so hopeless and so unwilling to go through the trouble of having to get better again.
I don’t want to tell anyone that I don’t feel well again, I feel like I’m a disappointment to them. I guess they expect me to be all okay now and I don’t want to fail them.
I feel so alone.
I know this is what will eventually make it worse, but I want to try this on my own first I think… i don’t know.
The temptation to give in to my former addictions and let my anxiety take the lead again is so strong, but I haven’t given in yet.
I’m so tired, physically and emotionally and I hate this state of mind.
It doesn’t even make sense.
I don’t have the energy to go though this again, and honestly, I don’t know if i can go through this again, I’m scared I’d just give up for good this time.
And if anybody is still reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m here again. I’m sorry that I’m bad again. I’m sorry that it seems like I’m always complaining. I’m sorry, I really try my best. I’m sorry that I’m bad at being and staying happy. I’m sorry that I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I’m sorry that I’m bothering you with my issues. I’m sorry my old life wants me back. I’m sorry that I am me…