I’m an idiot

[Uniquename]

Okay so this is probably gonna be very long but bear with me please.

I really need someone to tell if these problems are valid or I’m just a whining teen.If I am, that’s okay…

Okay well the thing is that my friends at school, and pretty much everyone at school who talks to me makes me feel like a complete idiot every single day, because I’m small, have an annoying laughter and pretty much an idiot who can’t pay attention to anything and can’t do anything.Like literally, when I try to do something in front of one of them, most of the time they are like “oh my god, you’re so stupid, don’t even finish it I’ll do it for you!” and be all pissed about it like it’s my fault…
They tell me every day how much I anger them and how slow I am.
And okay you’re probably gonna say that “they are not real friends, stop talking to them” and I don’t blame you.If I was in your shoes I’d say the same.But the thing is that they are not always like this.Like at one part of the day they are super cute and we have fun but at another part of the day they become bullies.And everytime they bully me I just laugh with my annoying laughter to make sure I don’t start crying, but that only makes things worse because my laughing annoys them even more and they think I don’t have feelings because I laugh at everything.
And also it’s not just my friends, most of my class thinks I’m the stupid one who can’t do anything and just makes a fool of herself.
It’s like, when someone starts “helping me” with stuff I don’t get (this happens every day) and they are so angry at me for being so stupid and my brain just freezes and I laugh and feel terrible and this has been going on for like a year now, and I don’t know what to do.
Every day after school I go home and think that I don’t deserve anything good, like when I’m sad and try to comfort myself with stuff I like, I genuinely think “wait, I don’t deserve this.I don’t deserve to enjoy things or be comforted because I’m so stupid my existence doesn’t matter.”
Okay, now you probably think, does this have any origins?Well, yes.At the new school year, I was trying so hard to fit in I started acting out and being “stupid”, have a contagious laughter to make people laugh and like me.At first it was all great and I didn’t mind the jokes my friends made, because hey, they are just jokes, right?But now, the jokes have become too much and my friends still think I don’t take anything seriously including them.I can’t not be like that anymore.I tried telling my closest friend in class what bothers me, and she said, “well, we are just kidding you know that!And you are not even that ugly!”
But she almost always uses a very stern voice when talking to me because she feels the need to remind me of my stupidity every day.

Please don’t be mean to me because it will hurt me.I am fully aware that these “problems” are nothing compared to the people’s who actually suffer.I just wanted to take things off my mind.
I’m in high school btw

[Sarita]

First of all, thank you for reaching out.
Your struggles are absolutely valid. What you’re going trough is school bullying. Just because it comes from people who you call friends and even if it’s not with malicious intent, it hurts, and it affects you just the same - maybe even worse, when it’s coming from people you actually like and who’s opinion matters to you.
I’ve been where you are. I was in a rather similar situation in high school, tho I’m lucky enough to be out of there by now. The thing is, just because these people treat you nicely sometimes doesn’t justify their hurtful behaviour. Especially if you’ve told them it upsets you, their reaction should not be “we’re just kidding”, it should make them change. The sad truth is that a lot of young people, even after high school, are bad at accepting any kind of criticism for their behaviour, and get defensive. That’s just kinda how a lot of people work.
As harsh as it sounds, the best thing I personally ever did was when I finally cut those toxic friends out of my life. And I would advice you to do the same. Being told day after day that you “annoy your friends” is not good for you, because it creeps in, and nests into your head, like it already has done to you. You’re not annoying. You’re not stupid, and your existence matters. Find people who appreciate you and listen to you, who will accept you and not talk down on you. You deserve better, and there’s people out there who would love to be your friends.
Hold on friend. School years are hard, but they wont last forever.

[Uniquename]

Thank you! You made me feel better!