I’m sorry…
The most most commonly used words in my vocabulary. It’s almost a natural reflex saying them even when there is nothing to apologize for. My heart grows heavier by the second as I type this out. Please pardon my broken thoughts.
Depression has a keen way of sneaking its way into one’s thoughts. There is no manual that gives you a step by step process on having a cure for such a malicious “condition” (unable to come up with a better term). There’s no one way to “fix” it and some might even consider depression as something that you can’t “fix”… whatever your stance is on it, we all can agree that it picks no sides, has no favorites and strikes at any moment.
Consider this my suicide note…
I’ve been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for the last 9 years give or take a year. Life has certainly been a rollercoaster of emotions. In 2010 I had just graduated HS and had enlisted into the US Navy. Life at the time seemed like it was headed in the right direction. For reasons I won’t discuss, my time in the Navy was cut short and I was discharged in 2012. At this point I was married but right before I got out, I found out that my wife had cheated on me and she was pregnant. (Yes the child is mine lol) So at this point, I was an unemployed father to be with a wife who was clearly not wanting to be with me. This cause me to go into a manic depression. I thought if I went back to school that this would calm my mind, but the stress of college only made things worse. Soon after my daughter was born, life brought me a ray of sunshine that is my beautiful daughter Audrey. That unfortunately did not last long tho. I found out that I was cheated on a second time, and I this point I told her that the only reason I had not left was because of Audrey. I wanted what was best for her. Soon after I found a job working in grocery retail and life moved on, except with one caveat… my depression never really left. Long story short on this part is that things were said and we separated in 2017, which the divorce is being finalized as we speak. Life never really showed me hope after that. I’m $30k in debt, 2 repos on my name with another probably coming soon since I can’t afford it. The job I’m currently at isn’t paying me disability even after months of fighting them on it.
Last but not least - the Coup de Grace
Nothing that I have done in life has mattered. In some way or fashion I have proven time and time again that I am a failure… failure as a husband, father, son, friend and coworker. I’ve spent my whole life as a people pleaser. I’ve given everything I could to make sure others were happy and here at the end I have nothing left. After all these years I’ve finally realized that the joy and happiness that I gave was only temporary… like the morning shadows at first light. Just yesterday, I seriously considered driving 90mph off a bridge because in the end, I’m nothing but a fading memory. Sure someone will be sad for a brief moment in the beginning, but the reality is 6 months from now, it won’t matter… All I do is push people away in the end so if I go out quietly… it’s not like people will notice. I’ve tried everything I can to fight this “impossible” battle for so long I’m tired. For me, meds don’t work, therapy doesn’t work… everytime I mention my struggle, all people want to do is “talk”… nothing ever gets fixed! If I just end it now, I can just be out of everyone’s hair and life can move on… life always moves on…
“I’m sorry”