I’m broken and I don’t think I can piece myself back together

Hey, Carolyn here.
It’s been a while since I last posted on here, so I figured I’d update you guys.
This past weekend, I hit an all time low. I attempted to take my own life. I don’t remember much of it, except for waking up in the back of an ambulance.
My depression has been really bad for a while. 6 years Ago is when I was diagnosed but it started to get to the point that I’m at about a year ago. Nothing in particular caused it to spiral (At least not that I can identify at this time) it just did. I’ve put on a mask. Everyone I meet sees me as a happy, confident person. Whereas deep down beneath the mask I’m a suicidal, depressed ,Bipolar, BPD wreck. I don’t find the joy in anything I used to love doing anymore. I know I’ve been through trauma, but I chose to ignore it/Push it aside to try to help others. I was raped, 4 times. The first was 4 years ago when I was 15, and the last was no less then 7 months ago. I’ve witnessed my 3 best friends commit suicide within the past year. My family sees me as an outcast. I have no friends because I’m “Different”. Every day of my School Carrer, I was bullied, and it eventually lead me to drop out. People say “God Doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Well it sure as hell feels like this is more than I can handle. I don’t know how much longer I can do this you guys. I’m honestly not sure anymore. I’ve been broken to a million pieces while putting others back together. Now the question is “Who will piece me back together??”

Hi Carolyn,

You are in a rough spot but you are not alone. I hope that you can find a support group or a therapist to help you work through your trauma. When we push things away instead of dealing with them, we tend to internalize a lot of stress which can aggravate our depression. That’s why it’s really important to talk about these things and work through them constructively. The more you push things away and force them into your subconscious, the more our brain stresses out until it can’t process things properly anymore. The brain is a complex organ and you need to be kind to it and kind to yourself.

I hope you are recovering well. Don’t blame yourself for the things that have happened.

We are here for you :heart:

Carolyn,

Brutal, friend…between the rejection at home, the sexual trauma, the bullying from your peers, and the loss of your friends, it feels like you’ll never belong and closeness only brings pain. So you put a mask up to keep your emotional distance from everyone. They see you as one thing but no one is close enough to see through to the real you. You’re afraid that if they did, you’d get hurt again, so you keep everyone out of the inside.

The challenging part to the answer of, "Who will piece me back together?"is – “Who will you LET piece you back together?” Because right now, you’ve been wounded so many times that you don’t trust anyone to get that close, and you’re literally dying because you’ve isolated so far from other people what’s actually going on inside.

To give you a bit of a different perspective, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle…with help.” More importantly, God is willing to be that help. But he won’t piece you back together without your permission because he’s not going to intrude on the boundaries you’ve placed on other people.

The scary part of this whole thing is that in order to heal, you have to be willing to get hurt. It doesn’t mean you have to trust EVERYONE, but it does mean that for a few select people (God included), you will need to risk them getting close enough to hurt you in order to help you heal.

It’s a risk that at this point you’ve got no other choice to take, though, so I guess that’s the benefit of being at rock bottom xD

It’ll be worth it, I know. YOU are worth it.

-Nate

Hey, Carolyn.

I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through this. Nobody deserves to have that much on their shoulders. The beautiful thing is that you don’t have to. You have already taken the first step by having the courage to share your story with us. And I really hope that we are able to help.

One thing I would strongly encourage you to do is to look into finding a licensed counselor or therapist. It’s something I believe can be beneficial to anyone, especially those with a diagnosed mental illness. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, and neither is medication if it’s prescribed to you and it’s helping.

I have definitely heard that phrase that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. It’s definitely hard to believe sometimes, and it’s natural to lose faith. If you’re a faithful person but are losing faith partly due to everything that you’re going through, I think you should consider trying a quality devotional. Mountains by Jake Luhrs seems to be a very good resource, although I have not yet read it. Also, maybe consider Dwarf Planet. It’s another great resource from HeartSupport.

I hope that posting here and realizing that you are not alone helped a bit. I also hope that these replies give you some encouragement that things will get better and that there truly is an end to every storm – and maybe even some advice about how to find that light.

You really are not alone. We are here with you. Never be afraid to reach out to anyone here; it’s a really safe and supportive community. We all love you and care about you. Please remember that.

Without the thorns there would be no rose. Hold fast to what brings you peace.