Cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up and cried again. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. My sleeping pattern was already messed up but now I either cry myself to sleep or I can’t go to sleep at all. I text my mother yesterday and told her that I’ll most likely be homeless soon… no reply. Just makes me think about when my dad was dying and I tried calling and texting her but she didn’t respond until after he was already dead. I just don’t understand, I feel purposely shunned and it’s funny because it seems like every time I try to get close to family they leave me or walk away. I don’t understand what I did to have people treat me this way. My sisters mom kicked me out, my mom and sister left me behind to take care of my dad at 19. And then I had to watch him die in front of me on my floor. Before my dad died he said “I am the way I am because no one gives a fuck whether I live or die.” And now that’s how I feel. I met this 19 year old kid named Trae. He makes music and he already has a big following online and a lot of famous people really fuck with the kid. He’s like my little brother now and I just want him to make it. I’m crying as I write this because I see myself in him so much. I just wish I had the opportunities he has. I really want him to make it even if I don’t make it. I love music so much and I know for a fact that I’m one of the most talented artists on this fucking planet. I was just never dealt a good hand. I just wanna die, I really do. I’d be content with that. Jesus knows my heart. I’m just so tired of being alone and dealing with everything on my own. I’ve never had a real family or friends. I know why people commit suicide. I’m one of those people. The only difference between me and them is I’m a true believer in the Bible and if I kill myself I’ll go to hell. I look at it as if I’m here on an assignment. So I remain alive for that reason alone. I would of killed myself when I was 12 if I didn’t believe in it. I just feel like I’m gunna die alone somewhere. What’s the point of living life if the life you live is unenjoyable and full of stress and pain. I’m 22 and I’ve moved about 20 times in my life. Literally. I’m never able to build relationships with people. And it just seems like all my family does is walk away from me. I truly don’t feel loved, and now I know how my father felt. All I do is cry and apologize to him now. I was so mean sometimes when he was alive and I never got the chance to let him know how much I really loved him and how much I looked up to him. I’m literally dying inside. I barely eat anything anymore, I’m easily hurt by little things, all I do is cry now. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I envy my dad, I wish I could have gone with him
I don’t know if you’re religious or not but I had a similar situation in life. but I found a good place in church. Several churches have programs for women, especially, to help find a job, have a place to sleep and eat. That might be something to look into. Family isn’t always blood, keep holding close to those you love like family <3
Thanks crystal, I’m a man though
I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. I’m glad that you’re still here and still fighting even though it seems impossible. I’ve seen some of the posts that you’ve put on the wall, and they are all so inspring and helped many people. You’re not alone - I think about ending my life everyday and I’m filled with regret whenever I remember my failed attempts. You’re in a safe place here, you can get through this. We love you.
Hold Fast
Kayla