This is an intense fight that you are leading @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease, and you can be proud of yourself for not giving up. These moments when you feel an urge to hurt are the hardest. You feel in your entire body the constant pressure and your mind tries to convince you of a promising reward, that you know is just an illusion.
I wish we could lift your burdens instantly so you wouldn’t have to deal with all of it. For what it’s worth though, you are not alone in this. We see you. We see your strength and your efforts. It is far from being useless or wasted. Each time you keep resisting against an urge is a win. And from relapses there’s even something to learn that makes you grow.
I hate this feeling of being trapped in my own mind too. This need to just run away from myself. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve told myself that I wish I could trade my body and my mind for just another one. Just to have the possibility to be a blank page. Starting from scratch again, and trying my best to not mess up. I feel this when I’m at my lowest, when I really hit rock bottom or am disappointed with myself. It’s crazy how much it feels like our struggles take the best of us sometimes, right?
You are not just your struggles. You are not defined only by these moments of feeling like you’re losing control of yourself. You’re actually so much more, but these moments make it more difficult to see. There is a lot of strength within you. A lot of resilience. A lot of experience. Of growth too. There are places of your mind and your heart that feel safer to embrace sometimes. The ones made of all the love, creativity and intelligence that you have.
Don’t let the voices of safe-hatred and the fears of ending up alone making you give up on yourself. These are obstacles on the road, and how heavy ones, but you have all that you need within you to overcome them.
I hope you managed to stay clean. But know that even if a relapse happened, we would never see you differently. You are still the same brave, strong and resilient person that we know. And there is still so much love here for you.
I believe in you.