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I’m drowning in self hatred

there is so, so much going on inside my head that i don’t even know how to explain or process.

i hit 4 days clean today and i’m so tempted to throw it away again. i’m so incredibly tired, it feels like a losing game at this point, i don’t want to fight anymore.

i wish i could run away from myself, really. i can’t stand my own mind and i don’t feel like myself anymore. i’m losing myself and i’m fear the people around me will lose me too, sooner or later.

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Do you have someone to talk with? Or anything that you can do to distract yourself?
Change the scenario, go somewhere safe and relaxing? Play with a puppy?
What about doing some of your amazing art to pour these feelings out of your brain?

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Hi buddy. :slightly_smiling_face: I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Is there anything that had triggered this feeling?

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This is an intense fight that you are leading @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease, and you can be proud of yourself for not giving up. These moments when you feel an urge to hurt are the hardest. You feel in your entire body the constant pressure and your mind tries to convince you of a promising reward, that you know is just an illusion.

I wish we could lift your burdens instantly so you wouldn’t have to deal with all of it. For what it’s worth though, you are not alone in this. We see you. We see your strength and your efforts. It is far from being useless or wasted. Each time you keep resisting against an urge is a win. And from relapses there’s even something to learn that makes you grow.

I hate this feeling of being trapped in my own mind too. This need to just run away from myself. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve told myself that I wish I could trade my body and my mind for just another one. Just to have the possibility to be a blank page. Starting from scratch again, and trying my best to not mess up. I feel this when I’m at my lowest, when I really hit rock bottom or am disappointed with myself. It’s crazy how much it feels like our struggles take the best of us sometimes, right?

You are not just your struggles. You are not defined only by these moments of feeling like you’re losing control of yourself. You’re actually so much more, but these moments make it more difficult to see. There is a lot of strength within you. A lot of resilience. A lot of experience. Of growth too. There are places of your mind and your heart that feel safer to embrace sometimes. The ones made of all the love, creativity and intelligence that you have.

Don’t let the voices of safe-hatred and the fears of ending up alone making you give up on yourself. These are obstacles on the road, and how heavy ones, but you have all that you need within you to overcome them.

I hope you managed to stay clean. But know that even if a relapse happened, we would never see you differently. You are still the same brave, strong and resilient person that we know. And there is still so much love here for you.

I believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hey Friend, Firstly and you may not feel like celebrating but I still want to congratulate you on staying clean and I hope you have managed to stay strong? I know its hard, I know its exhausting friend you are doing so well. You have us all here with you to support you. Your mind is telling you things that are wrong and deep down you know this because it happens a lot when you are in a dark place, try to relax, ground yourself and try to find the more positive things. You are strong and we believe in you. Much love Lisa.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ (Discord)

I hope you made it thru that hard moment. I know how hard it is and can relate to you. My mind is a constant battlefield of darkness and turmoil and I would love nothing more than to run away from it all. I used to shelf harm a lot, but it never helped me. It just made things worse. I don’t know what your situation is in life, but I hope you can find some coping skills and start loving yourself. You are worthy. ~Lizzy

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From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)

Hello, friend! Congratulations on managing to stay clean for four days. I hope you have managed to keep it up and if not I hope you can find the strength to try again. I’m sorry your mind is so busy and it’s making things harder. Running away can feel like the easy way out and can seem inviting but staying and fighting is always the best choice. And the more you choose to stay and do the harder thing the easier it can become, because you get stronger every time you choose to stay and every time you choose to fight. It’s like a muscle that you are exercising and building. If you keep using it enough you will find it that much easier to stay. You are already a strong person just by coming here and choosing to post. I hope you don’t give up and you keep fighting. And keep in mind that even if you don’t manage to keep a streak going that that doesn’t mean you failed and you can always start being clean again. Even if you run away a bit you can always come back again. There are no strikes or maximum number of tries or lives like in a game. You can always try again and keep trying until you feel like you’ve won. And then you can keep finding bonus levels. I’m sorry I honestly don’t know why I started relating this to video games, haha, but I’m going to keep it like that. Good luck, friend! :hrtlegolove:

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