Hi @Metalskater1990,
I’ve read your different/recent posts. It sounds that you’ve been carrying some heavy weight on your shoulders, a lot of guilt and frustration. I hear you. And I hope you’ve been able to calm down a little since you posted all of this.
I hear that you hate yourself and blame yourself for your past mistakes. So… I don’t know what happened. Don’t know what’s the context behind all of this. Don’t know if you’d like to share about this. But you know, we all make mistakes. Just because no one is perfect. And those mistakes can be very destructive, harmful, indeed. Those mistakes can even require restoration or justice. But I want to believe that there’s always a room for improvement, for a second chance, even for those who hold the responsability of what happened.
I was hurt by some people in the past. In violent ways. And logically, there were moments when I hated them with all my heart. But despite what happened, despite the fact that I’ve been carrying the consequences of their actions until now, through the years, I hope they were able to find some peace in their heart. To heal from this violence they had in themselves. I’m not saying I like the people who hurt me, that I forgive nor that I’d like to see them again. I’d rather stop breathing than this. But from a human being to other human beings, I truly hope that they were able to make space for growth and restoration. Because it would mean less violence and pain in this world. For them and for the people they encounter in their life.
What I see here is that you actually blame yourself. I don’t know if you are objectively fair to yourself or not. But the very fact that you feel this guilt shows that you care about what you did. And, even more, that you’re aware of the consequences of your actions. It’s very uncomfortable to be aware of that, for sure. And to actually say it. It makes you feel bad about yourself and question your own right to live. And it can be scary to realize that you’re in this uncomfortable position. Yet there’s still a possibility to learn from your mistakes. From the impact it had on others as well. It requires a lot of humility and patience for sure. But it is possible. And it is certainly the most powerful thing to do in this situation. For everyone. Because hate, including self-hate, is the seed of violence.
I don’t want to improve.
I don’t think it’s true. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here sharing all of this. But I understand where this conclusion comes from and how much disappointed you are right now, how much hate you have for yourself. Yet you still have a choice here. You still have some control on how to respond to this frustration. You said you don’t believe in God anymore and you hate religion. Alright. I personally don’t know know if I believe in God or not but I do have some core beliefs that comes from life experiences. And those are like beacons of light to me. It brings me a sense of guidance everyday, an orientation for my actions and the choices I make.
Even if you don’t believe in God, it doesn’t mean you can’t find your answers in yourself and through the interactions you have with others. Our life is rich enough for that. You are certainly still driven by some principles, values, beliefs who don’t have to be spiritual. Because that’s how you make your life meaningful. It can be hard to identify those when you are hurting, as you’re just tempted to follow your emotions. So maybe now is not the right moment for that. But who knows how tomorrow will be? Who knows what you will learn in the next chapter of your life?
I can’t never have a romantic relationship , these intense emotions are too much to bear. I think about hurt women, that his fuck up I have gotten. I try DBT therapy and it still does nothing for me. I try therapy for years and years still never happens. I lost faith in god and I hate religion. Meds do not do anything for me. I’m out of options and I don’t want us going to happen,
There’s not only meds, religion or therapy in life. There are many ways to heal and find growth, and most of the time it’s a complex mix between different possibilities. The positive point is that you are trying. You are seeking for solutions. And maybe they’re not producing the effects you want, or as fast as you’d like. But if I understand well, this is about learning to handle intense emotions, thoughts, feelings. It’s not easy. It’s tough. And unfortunately it can take a very long time before you see the effects of meds and therapy.
I know, you mentioned doing this for years. I hear that. But is it truly honest to say that nothing happened at all? Can’t you see any progress at all? Sometimes we expect specific results and we miss a lot of changes that are actually happening just because we are focused on our own expectations. Which can be realistic… or not. Maybe you need to ask yourself what are your expectations from all of this. How do you see yourself in the future. For example, I know that for me it’s been hard to accept that I have a chronic depression. I had to give up on a range of possibilities to heal, in the sense of getting rid of my depression. But from the moment I started to understand this, I’ve been more inclined to actually learn to live with it and handle the effects of it. If I didn’t, right now, I’d still be knocking my head on the same wall, again and again, and it would have just delayed any possibility for me to find some peace.
Again, I don’t know your situation precisely and what you’re struggling with. You mentioned this will to hurt women. Which is certainly difficult to admit. But you already know that this isn’t the right response, reaction. So I hope you talked about that to your therapist. That you allowed yourself to be honest about this subject. Because if you keep this silent, if you let this thought grow in a soil made of pain, hatred and frustration, then it will only lead you to the wrong paths. Whether it’s towards yourself of others. And this path is not where you want to be.
So keep fighting. Keep taking healhty steps for yourself and others. Maybe it doesn’t have the effects you expected right now. Maybe there are some transitions to go through, some griefs to process. But keep trying.
Hold fast.