I guess the title explains it.
I’m giving up.
I can’t get the help I need because of wait lists and money issues and the hatred I have for myself is worse than ever.
I feel physically sick when I see how I look and think about myself which makes looking after myself impossible… so I’m going to stop bothering.
Im sorry to all of you that thought I could recover and get better, and to all of you that believed in me… Im not worth that.
Im not actively going to go and end my life, but I’m not going to try and care for myself anymore either.
Whatever happens, happens. At this point, I really don’t care.
Big hugs. You know, thru out my life I’ve had times where I was just so fed up with it all that I shut down and didn’t care anymore about anything. I weighed 300 pounds, I didn’t brush my teeth for a whole year and I took a shower maybe once a week if that. My apartment was filthy and roaches were everywhere. I wouldn’t even pay my bills till something got turned off like my electricity. I didn’t care.
I’m on disability so I know what it’s like getting lost in the system and struggling with that. I had given up on that too.
I’m not in that place anymore because nothing lasts forever. Things my seem too far away right now, but that help will come. You said you get sick by the way you look…sooooo, change the way you look. You have the power to do that, you really do. At least that’s one thing you can change, ya know?
I wish I could take all the pain away from you.
Kayla please you are a worthy individual who deserves to feel good about themselves. Dont give up just yet. I know things feel hopeless and you feel like you cant or shouldnt be helped but that is not true. You can be helped and you are deserving of a better life. You are in so much pain I can see that. I can see that in every post you make. The guilt, self loathing and hopelesness. But it can get better it can. Please try to rest for now, If you need to take time for yourself that is ok everybody needs that from time to time but dont give up on yourself. This will get better. It takes time but it will.Just keep at it. Slowly at your own pace but dont stop. You can make it through the dark times and then one day you will look back and say “wow I did make it through… I am stronger than I thought.” Believe in yourself Kayla, you can do it.
You don’t have to apologize to any of us, because none of this is going to change how we see you, how much we love you, and how much we believe in you. If there is a place where feeling down and like giving up as you described can be understood, it’s probably here in this community. Recovery is certainly not a peaceful road. Not only you have to fight with inner demons, but you also face practical obstacles that are out of your control - and extremely frustrating. No one would blame you for being fed up and not caring. Of course, it is not about enabling the act of giving up itself. That’s not even an option. But it’s about understanding that this road is made of times when everything is just too much, when our first reaction is to sit down and not wanting to try anything anymore, stating that enough is enough.
I have no doubt that you will get back on your feet little by little. It doesn’t have to be now or tomorrow. You are allowed to rest, Kayla. We still have faith in you and we are not giving up on you. We will keep sitting by your side, even during the darkest times. We will keep following your pace and remind you of all the obstacles you’ve already overcome so far. This is yet another season in your life made of new challenges, even if some of them are familiar to you. You will make it through. We will keep holding your hand and be by your side to walk through what is and whatever may comes.
Take it easy this week. Focus on the smallest of smallest of smallest steps if you feel okay with it. If it’s all about going through the days for now, it is okay too. There are better times ahead, even if it’s hard to see it right now.
PS - If you need an accountability pal sometimes, feel always free to shoot me a DM with which steps you intend to take and when. I remember you’ve mentioned your room yesterday on stream. Maybe working on having a cozy environment again, little by little, could already give you a breather.
PS² - Maybe the future Action Groups could be a safe place to use for learning to care about yourself, little by little. If your schedule would allow it in the future and consider that option, again feel free to let us know if you need some accountability for when/if it would be more difficult to use these resources. That’s also what a community is for.
I love you very much.