I’m going through a separation

Recently my wife of 4 years told me she wanted to separate because she wasn’t in love with me anymore. I’ve gone back and forth with my emotions, and I really don’t want to give up. I was lazy in our marriage and didn’t work at it, I watched porn and lied to her and new that it was all affecting our relationship because I was doing those things and keeping it from her. I realized I didn’t want to lose her and for the first time started fighting for something and someone I care about. I know I could seek a new companion and start fresh without the baggage as a better person but I don’t want that. As hard as it might be I’m not giving up, giving up has always been my go to. I started reading (including Mountains by jake luges) exercising intensely, getting in the word, and all around working on myself. What crazy is she hates that I’m changing now after “we’re done”. I truly don’t believe we are and that there is still hope. Imam I crazy?


Hi @Jedidiah

I’m sorry you’re going thru this, I’m divorced so I know how hard it is. It can be devastating.

I think it’s great that you’re working on yourself, because that’s really important. Not giving up is good, but be very careful that you respect her boundaries. She has told you she wants to separated because she doesn’t love you anymore. Those are some pretty serious words.

Give her space and continue to work on yourself. If you can do this in a healthy way, she will see how serious you are about her. Remember it’s her life too and respecting her boundaries will go a long way.


I agree with what you said. I have been giving her space since we separated and having our child more often because of the situation. I understand her grievances with how things went and I’m not telling her these things. I’m working on myself for me and our child first and foremost, but I know that I’m in love with her still and I’ve decided that I’m not giving up on my change or her. I’ll be there when she needs me but I’m not putting pressure on anything, I’m just being the person I should have been and hoping for the best.


I’m so glad that you’re looking at this in such a positive way. Having a child involved makes things that much more complicated, doesn’t it?

I really hope you can reconcile because you sound like a great person who loves his family very much. We all make mistakes, it’s what you do with it after that matters. :hrtlegolove:


It sounds like after messing up, which is a very human thing to do, you are doing the right thing. It sounds like the love will continue, even if the relationship doesn’t. It also sounds as though the two of you will continue taking very good care of your daughter.

I think she hates that your changing because it’s causing her confusion, and challenging her resolve to continue with splitting up. Keep working on yourself anyway. The separation might be what got you started working on yourself, but continue with it because you need to make those changes, and you are doing it for yourself, not just to keep a relationship going.

I doubt she would be convinced that you have changed until you have maintained that change for at least six months. She’s more likely to believe the change is permanent, if she knows your motivation includes self fulfillment, rather than just to keep the relationship going.

Welcome to Heart Support. I’ve been through a divorce. It was rough! It looks as though you have your wits about you to a far greater extent than I did when I went through it.


Lizzy, it does make it complicated but I’m thankful we both have the best intentions for our child and are working together to still do family things and spend as much time as we both can with our kid. I hope we can reconcile but I’m just focusing on my goals and making sure even though I’ve stumbled and fallen in this process that I always get back up. This has taught me that I am a good person but I have to work at it. I came here for support from people that aren’t biased to either of us. You know how family and friends can be when giving advise to situations like mine. And thank you for you kind words of encouragement.


You’re welcome :hrtlegolove:

I think you’re gonna be ok.

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@Wings I think your right, I am challenging her decision and that wasn’t my intention. Im not saying im the only one that’s had a rough life because I know just about every person I’m alive has and im not belittling that, but when I fell on hard times or lost people that were important to me I always went the other way, I’ve always gave up or did self destructive things but it only hurt worse and but me in a worse position. Im done with that, im going to change myself for me so I can be better for everyone around me. Im not quitting, not this time. When she told me over a month ago, instead of wallowing in self pity I made the decision that im not gonna let this destroy me. I started reading, watching, and writing things to lift me up. I started writing things about my past to come to terms with those things and face them. I enrolled in college which is something I’ve been terrified to do, but I’m tired of always just getting by life, I want the challenge now, I want to be tested so that I come out stronger and better prepared for the next. I want them to have that person even if my wife and I aren’t together because after everything I put her through she deserves that person even if we aren’t together. Thank you so much for your encouragement :pray:


@Mystrose i think you’re right, I just gotta keep going.


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