I’m so lost with myself.
Having no future and a lot of suicide thoughts. I’m also fighting against myself everyday. Trying to find ways to save myself but it’s so hard when it comes to those negative feelings again and again. I think I’m always repeating the same pain all the day.
I’m so lost with myself.
Thank you for being here.
You are struggling in a cycle of negative thoughts. In these circumstances, it can become difficult to see things from another perspective because you’re feeling overwhelmed.
But this will be okay. It’s not a dead end and you have a future.
Would you like to tell us what makes you think that way?
Also, if you feel like you’re having suicidal thoughts you can’t control, do not hesitate to try to share about this with someone you trust and who can be physically here for you. If you don’t know anyone that would make you feel safe enough, don’t hesitate to reach a crisis hotline:
- USA resources: Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
- International: https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
Hold fast, friend. You are not alone.
Thank you so much for saying that.
But Right now I don’t feel that I’m strong, this is always continuing hopeless, people give me support then hopeless again
That’s okay to not feel strong sometimes. You have the right to rest. To say you’re not doing ok. To not smile if you don’t want to. No one will judge you for that. I hope you can find here a shoulder on which to rest .
In a of moment like this, we can have a lot of negative thoughts spiraling. But that doesn’t define you. I assure you that you’re much better than what you may be thinking of yourself right now. You try to move forward and yes, sometimes there are struggling moments, where you feel like you’re backing up. This feeling is temporary, friend.
It’s ok to stop sometimes, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing better after that. For now the road is a bit fogged but it will become clearer. I’m proud of you because you do the right thing. You said you were looking for solutions to move forward, you get help and you came here. Thank you for this.
I don’t know if that can be helpful for you to share about this, but I can relate to this feeling. I often felt that way because of clinical depression. Like things were getting better and then that feeling regularly came back to remind me that I wasn’t out yet. It was always incredibly painful because I had the impression that the problem came from me. I wondered, very seriously, if it was possible not to be made for this world to the point that dying would be the best thing to do. I really thought that trying to get better was useless because I thouht I was going to be like that forever. But now it’s very different. I have ups and downs but the intensity of it has changed. And I come back from really far, though. But I no longer feel like I’m walking on a vacuum.
So, I’ve got to share this: whatever the reasons that make you feel this, even if it’s incredibly painful right now - and I’m deeply sorry for that, it is not meant to be like this for your whole life. If you want, tell us about yourself, your situation, we can try to think about solutions together. New ways of acting.
You are not alone.
@MicrosmosK I’m touched by your words. It is really kind from you.
My situation is right now I’m 20 but I feel like I want to end my life when I’m 21.
When I was 4 my parents got divorced, then my moms boyfriend did something to me and I still have nightmares about it, and I hate myself so much. Then when i was 14 my best friend Suicide herself, at that time I was builded because of my coach were giving all the girl trainers massages but apparently that situation was uncomfortable for 3 years in junior high school. I tried to think high school was a new life for me but started to dealing with depression then didn’t go school oftenly. I told my mom about when I was little that boyfriend did that to me but my mom wasn’t a really good mom, adult, or even friend. She had psychosis and try to control my life. She is always forcing to control her child and because this behavior my younger brother became the same psychosis. I tried to escape them to start another life so I move to USA but then the distance didn’t change anything. After 14 years I met my dad but I had no memories about him, for me it is like 18 years blank. I’ve been living here almost two years, I thought finally I could go to college on concentrate on myself, my place was better than the worst environment back before, but I also got another thing that I want to escape. My dad didn’t know how to make conversations, because he is full of a father pride. He will put my mom on myself then keep drinking smoking at late night and I can’t really sleep well, it is always noisy when at home. I tried to put the music, ear plugs, talking on the phone to distract myself but I couldn’t even sleep. I really tried. I tried to find the little happiness in life but tenically everything is coming back to the past again.
I did talk to a therapist around 3months from now. It’s just so tiring… I cannot balance my life.
And I’m almost turning 21, some people and my dad keep telling me I’m not enough… it’s just so hard to not keep those words in mind. My mom is still calling me, using very threatening texts to me. I don’t know how to save myself anymore…my school work and work recently is not going well too
I just wanna end my life.
Hey @Klin109, thanks a lot for your reply.
And thank you so much for sharing this. I’m fully aware that it can be difficult to do so.
Also, I’m sorry in advance for the length of this post.
Having a birthday coming is the kind of moment when we generally use to look at our past, to think about our lives in a more general way. Most of the time, it’s easier for us to remember difficult events because it’s what remains the most heavy things to carry on everyday. It can makes you feel stuck in your own life.
I’m really sorry that you’ve been through such traumatic events. And the fact that you feel bad or lost because of it is quite normal. It’s not because of who you are, but only because what you lived and the fact that you remained, I assume, mostly alone to deal with this for too many years.
I’m also really glad to know that you had the strength to leave such a harmful environment. It takes a lot of courage. I myself had a mother who had serious mental disorders, without never being treated for. I grew up in a violent and unhealthy environment. So when you grow up in these conditions, even if deep inside you know that something is wrong, you may have trouble putting words on it and realizing that no, that’s not the norm. That this is not what life truly is. It takes a lot of courage to start a new life as you did. And, for what it’s worth, I’m so proud of you.
Also, I thank you for your trust. It is more than possible that your nightmares are the result of this trauma. I am obviously not a doctor and I can share with you only from my own experience. You mother should have heard you. It was her duty as a parent and she made a monumental mistake in doing so.
Did you talk about this to your therapist when you saw them? Just to reassure you, I’m not asking you to do it here, it remains your safe place with your rules. It’s only to know if you’ve ever had a moment in your life where you’ve been able to express what you’ve experienced, outside with your mother, but with someone who could make you feel safe. Because putting words on this is a major step in order to take a step back from it, to put these events where they belong: in your personal history. And, ultimately, to no longer suffer from uncontrolled manifestations of it, such as nightmares. You should have been heard before. And you were very brave to talk about it with your mom. So know that I read you, I see you and you are not alone. Your mom’s boyfriend should never have done what he did. He didn’t have the right. Never.
Concerning your mom calling you and threatening you: she neither have the right to do that. She may be your mom, she may have psychosis, but that doesn’t excuse anything. I don’t know about your relationship with her in details, but I can only suggest you to step back from her and ignore her messages. I know it’s really hard not to think about it. But every time you try, you’re doing the right thing. You don’t need this right now, you’ve got other things to handle in your everyday life. And you don’t deserve to be threated this way. You never deserved that.
I am deeply aware these are situations that can be very tricky. For me, it took a certain time and it wasn’t always easy to keep some distance with my mother. I live in another country too, but as for you the discussions with her were summed up to receive insults or to hear her saying that she was a good mother, which always brought me back to my childhood. It gave me the feeling that, even if I tried to move forward, she always managed to hold on to me and push me back.
But even if it’s your mother, you need to take care of yourself. Right now, she is not able to provide you the support you need, on the contrary. Even if there’s still love between you. This doesn’t exclude the possibility that one day you will come to a healthier relationship with her. But for the moment you really need to protect yourself in order to regain some strengths. Because no matter what she says: she is wrong. Same for your dad. He seems pretty bad at communication, but this doesn’t allow him to say that kind of thing.
You are valuable. You are brave. And you deserve to feel better. Try to keep those words in your mind.
Also, for the noise at night, have you tried earplugs + headphones + white noise? It can help to reduce both high and low sounds at the same time. There’re many different kind of white noises on Youtube but this one seems pretty clear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3Ck91-dDwA It’s not a permanent solution but I hope this can still be helpful for the moment. Do you know any other place where you could sleep sometimes? (friends, other members of your family…).
It’s really good to know for the therapist. It’s not easy to take the first step. And it may take some time before it pays off. It’s a relationship that is built slowly. But it’s also true that it’s very tiring. Having to talk, to focus on our difficulties on a regular basis. Nobody wants this. So, be patient with yourself. I can only encourage you to try to go back to them. Or to try with another therapist if you didn’t felt comfortable with them. That would be okay too. I thought about this earlier, but maybe EMDR or CBT therapy would be interesting for you.
Also, here on HS, you can have access to different ressources, such as:
- 7 free days of online counseling (with betterhelp.com) and if you don’t like it you can cancel it anytime. https://heartsupport.com/freebook/
- You can ask for a depression workbook named “Dwarf Planet”. Maybe there are still resources in it that can be helpful for you. Even just to have some inspirational reading. To know more about it: https://www.amazon.com/Dwarf-Planet-Practical-Through-Depression/dp/0999154524/ - And the form to fill in order to get it for free: https://heartsupport.com/freebook/
Much Love to you.
Sorry for this late reply, I really appreciate your words, things were getting better for today, it’s just for now I don’t know why I am feeling this bad feeling again, it hurts actually. Maybe I need time…yeah I went hard to recover for one day with your support and comments but I don’t know why I can get depressed so easily because of my friend couldn’t understand and keep giving advice to say I need to grow up, I don’t know why this can hurt and still feeling I want to die again.
Thank you so much for your reply and allowing me to know how you’re doing.
I’m sorry you have to go through emotional ups and downs like these.
Saying “you need to grow up” is not an advice. It’s only something people tend to say when they actually don’t know what to say. I’m sorry your friend said that. It’s never been about growing up or anything like that. Only about receiving the support you need and deserve. You deserve to feel better. To not feel this pain anymore.
I’m truly aware of what you’re feeling. You are not alone. And you did the right thing by coming here. Also, don’t forget about the crisis hotlines/chats, you have the right to use these if you need to.
This feeling is a way your mind is using to tell you how much you actually want to live and get better. And things can get better. You’ve already been so brave and I admire you so much. Sincerely. But for the moment your family and your friend are not much supportive for you. And you don’t have to fight alone. I wish I could be physically present to help you more effectively than only with these few lines I’m writing. And I’m really glad you could regain some strengths even for one day. But now we need to think about long-term strategy. Again, I really want to encourage you to call your therapist and to try to have an appointment with them. Consider this forum as a safety net for you if it makes you anxious to do that. We can talk about it. It will be okay.
I don’t want you to think that I would pretend knowing better than you what you’re living. I only want to share this with you: sweetheart, I’ve been through what you’re feeling right now. The pain, the nightmares. It’s not meant to last. There’s nothing wrong with you. But you need some help to think more clearly and ease the pain. This is not a dead end.
You matter. And this community care about you.
@Klin109, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sending so much love your way
After everything you’ve been through I’m amazed at how far you’ve come! It really speaks to how strong and brave you are, and even though I don’t know you, I feel proud of you for coming so far
Reading your story makes me want to say one thing more than anything else: Nothing that anyone has done to you was your fault. You deserved so much more, and you never deserve to be treated like that ever again. What those people did was 100% about them and their own issues and nothing about you. It helps me to remember that even though they tried so, so hard to turn you against yourself, this life and body and soul is yours. You can be there for yourself, you can listen to yourself and give yourself what you need. And you don’t have to feel bad about that! You’re wonderful and deserve love, even if it comes from within.
Sometimes the hardest days for me come right after a really good one. It’s disheartening, and just so difficult not to feel like you’re moving backwards, but I promise that’s not the case! Every moment you push forward is a victory, and a sign that things can get better for you. Looking back five years ago, I wouldn’t believe how much better things could become - I really believe you can end up feeling like this too.
What’s really helping me right now, and I hope it’ll help you too, is trying my best to stay in this exact moment. The next moment can wait, it’s not even here yet. Right now I just focus on doing my best, and trust that I’ll do the same in the future too. I don’t know if that will resonate, but it’s worth a shot
Like @MicrosmosK said, we’re here for you. If you need support, we’re just a message or a post away. Your friend might not understand, but there are so many people out here who do, and we’re all rooting for you
Thank you again for sharing! It’s strange, I’m across the other side of the world but your strength somehow makes me feel stronger too. Much love
@MicrosmosK You are very kind
Thank you for your understanding and words. It is helping me a lot now.
I actually did crisis hotlines/chats on 11/3 Sunday but I stopped because I was feeling suicidial and very strong to wanna die I felt uncomfortable to continue.
And today I also talked with my therapist, she said I needed more sleep and asking am I taking medicine appropriately. I feel tired and I want to sleep too, it’s just I don’t know why I’m afraid to go home and sleep… maybe nightmares? Or I don’t wanna talk with my dad? I listened white noise on YouTube and raindrops sounds to feel peacefully and silence, to let myself sleep better but also I woke up so nervously and scared. I’m actually confused am I doing the right thing… my therapist is also telling me to grow up, she said I cannot act like depression again and again, it will be like the same as my mother. She told me to stay strong and face my home situation, not going to the library and runaway like homeless. But sometimes it hurts again when I know that I’m escaping home especially in daily time, I would focus on to do my schoolwork and use all the time as I can then go home. I make a short time to staying at home. I’m still trying to figure out how to sleep better, it’s just so confused and I don’t really have confidence again.
I probably made my friends upset because of my depression, I trust the words about they are saying “you can always call/ talk to me” but then maybe I talked too much on my family issues, depression and work problems so it became too stress to them, maybe everything is because I trust too much and it’s too heavy.
I am thankful that you are replying back and told me how to deserve better because right im really in a mess mind… keep having negative thoughts feelings coming inside my head so randomly and oftenly.
@Klin109 Thank you so much for your reply.
If you’re worried sometimes about knowing if you do the right thing or not, I would like to suggest you to think about this: every time you do or try something in order to take care of yourself/help yourself/make you feel better/safer/happier, in a healthy and safe way, then of course you do the right thing, honey.
I’m really glad you called the crisis hotline even if you stopped after that. It’s a healthy reflex, so don’t forget there’s no limit to use it, as long as you feel the need to. You are not alone and it’s a resource that will always be available for you. I already used that too, as many other people.
Also glad you had the occasion to talk to your therapist. Do you want to share your thoughts about what she said to you?
For your sleep, I can only assume that it’s both linked to the nightmares and the fact that you prefer to avoid your dad for the moment, just as you said. These aren’t helpful conditions for you to get some restorative sleep. I was also very apprehensive before going to sleep, because of nightmares. But as vivid and reccurent these nightmares may be for you right now, it’s not something that will last. It’s unfortunately a normal reaction (thanks to our brains) but it will dissapear as you’ll regain some general well-being.
Besides, there are always things you can try to put in place to bring yourself some comfort or promote a better sleep. By the way, it’s very good to know for the sound of raindrops! It’s indeed very relaxing. So, I don’t know if what follows will help you, but there were few things that made me feel better at the time:
- Having a dream-diary. Right next to my bed. Whenever I woke up, I tried to have as a first reflex to drink a big glass of water and then to write in this notebook. Even if it was in the middle of the night. I wrote everything that went through my mind. It didn’t has to be well written, it was only to put these things on paper, to stand back from it, to reduce the panic and the pain.
- Keeping also a note next to me which says: “You are safe” so it would be the first thing I could read after I woke up, anxious or not.
- To listen to relaxing music or podcasts while falling asleep, as you do.
- To keep a light on in a corner of the room. For example, I used to let a bedside lamp on the floor, next to my bed so that it didn’t light too much either.
- To lock the door. I knew nothing wrong would happen but this was reassuring sometimes.
- To avoid reading the news or watching a movie/series that would be stressful or scary before going to bed (or in general). Well, for what it’s worth, I used to play some relaxing video game sometimes or to read feel-good books. For the movies/series I’m still used to check on informations before watching anything, so I know there wouldn’t be graphic things that could be triggering anxiety and/or nightmares.
- To not force yourself to sleep if it’s not possible. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you have to go outside to run a marathon but even being in your bed and letting your body rest a bit is important.
- To keep a soft toy in my bed. I know, I know: that sounds childish … and I was embarrassed for a long time because I actually needed it. But whatever my bed, my rules. And I still sleep with it.
- To apply on my forearms or my neck a bit of some skin cream with a relaxing fragrance (lavender for example).
For your friends, don’t worry too much. They may be a bit upset for the moment because we all have our own limits, but it’s not always easy to know how to behave/what to say when you’re struggling. And I see a lot of “maybe” in your sentence. So maybe… your friend wasn’t in the right mood? Maybe he was upset by something else that happened before and is not related to you? The only thing that is certain right now is: there’s nothing wrong with you.
Much Love to you.