I’m just so done

i don’t want this life anymore. i want it to end. i want it all to stop.
my depression is getting so much worse, just like my anxiety. i can’t do this anymore. i want to die so, so bad.

i’m so young, I shouldn’t feel the way i do. I shouldn’t think about suicide every single say. I shouldn’t think about self-harm. but i do. and it hurts.

my nightmares are coming back and worse than ever.
where do you return a life? because i really don’t want mine anymore.
it all hurts so bad, i can’t stand this pain anymore. i feel so pathetic, because i start to cry every time, school is mentioned. will it ever be okay? because honestly, i stopped believing that.
i feel so empty, yet so damn sad. it’s unbearable. i just drag myself through the day, feeling like one day lasts forever. nothing i do brings me joy anymore. fuck. i’m so done with everything.

my mom is so fed up with me. everything hurts physically and mentally. i just want it all to end.

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Not only do you have to give everything that you have to drag yourself through a joyless day, but you get to the end of the day, feeling completely fucking exhausted and depleted, and you pick your head up only to look at another day on the tail end of this one, feeling like that day will be even more impossible than this one because you have even less to give, even less energy to try, and more anxiety of the pending pain that you know is going to come. It feels like you’re stuck in this downward cycle of groundhogs day where you go to sleep and wake up but it’s the same fucking shit, the same pain, only it starts to get worse and worse and worse and worse. And you feel like your mom can’t handle it, like you can’t handle it…like – there’s no hope of it ever getting better, and if it doesn’t, you can’t manage to keep waking up.

Literally me when I was 15.

I remember sitting at my desk and thinking – if this is the way life is always going to be, what’s the point of even living it? It’s like, I could write the script of my day: wake up, hate life, try to numb out, fail, fucking fail, feel like a piece of shit all the way until I fall asleep, wake up hating that I have to do it all again. Why keep going?

I remember that. I remember that pit. I know mine is different, but it smells similar. And it was a fucking sinkhole, dude. I hated it. You’re not crazy for feeling the way you’re feeling.

I love something that my friend @casers says, though, he says that self-hatred is actually mis-directed self-love. Check this exercise out. It’s like a 3m video with a couple short questions that if you are willing to engage in them can help change the way you think.

Additionally, there’s a blog that I personally wrote about when three of my friends attempted suicide in the same period of time, and what I learned about it. It’s got a couple of re-framing questions as well that are helpful.

I feel like it would have been impossible for 15 year old me to understand this, but as 26 year old me, I feel compelled to at least try. “Dude, life /does/ suck right now. And it feels like it will never end, like life will always be the same. But that belief – that the way life is right now will never change – is the piece of this I can prove is a lie. Your life will change…a lot…and often…and with change comes hope that you can try again, that you can make a change, that things can be different. You aren’t crazy. You also aren’t beyond hope. Keep going.”

-Nate

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Hi. I just wanna tell you how brave you are for openly sharing with us how you feeling.
Have you consider looking for help?
I once managed to get some money to do a first therapy with a psychologist a friend suggested, then I spoke with my dad about it and his first reaction wasn’t the best but he came around after a couple of minutes and offered to pay the necessary therapies I would need to attend.
I want to add that I know the pain you are feeling and that you are not alone, and things get better when you start reaching out.
Finally, the type of therapy I suggest based on my own experience is a bioenergetic therapy, that shit is powerful. You say you are young, it’s good that you are waking up early because you gonna have a lot of time ahead of you to make life better for you and more people.
You are loved buddy <3, you matter.

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Damn man, I don’t want to steal the post from our buddy but the way you unfolded that pain struck a chord in me. I am healing too thanks to you.

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