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I’m losing hope... and community?


#1

Do I really deserve to be here in this community? in this world? I guess I should try to explain.
Every night is filled with nightmares - the sexual assault nightmares are back but it’s not just the same guy anymore. They feel so real, like I’m living the assault all over again. Nightmares of abuse from my father getting so much worse.
Everyday I wake up with no motivation to live my life. I think about skipping shifts, leaving early or even just quitting my job not caring about the fact I would be kicked out of my home. I mean, it’s highly abusive and toxic so what would the problem be? I wake up wanting to give up on my recovery because I’m probably just going to fail all over again. no more meetings, no more disappointing my family and no more hurt. I try to do my prayers everyday but honestly, I’m starting to lose all hope.
For about a month things have been real bad. There are 2 constant films playing in my head.
Film 1 is of me cutting. I can physically feel the sensation of cutting whenever this plays in my head… The only difference between this and reality is that the relief from it doesn’t happen and I end up worse than before.
Film 2 is my suicide. I watch myself jumping off the bridge outside my work place or taking those pills down with a bottle of vodka… Since my relapse in self harm 12 days a go things have been getting worse. I will be 70 days clean of drugs on Friday but I feel as though that has been cheated due to my relapses with self harm. Everyone in this community helps out one another and it’s the most beautiful thing - yet I seem to be incapable of helping even a single person. I’ve driven a lot of the people from here that I love away and other times, minus a few people, I just get overlooked. All I ever wanted to do was help people and make sure everyone knows they’re not alone, but I can’t even see reason to keep myself alive or sober. If I’m not good enough for my family to love me, why should anyone else? The community deserves better than me and I don’t know how to give you that.

If anyone bothered to stay till the end, I’m sorry if it didn’t make sense, I’m struggling to stay awake… and thank you.
Kayla.


#2

@Kayla

I’m about to head to bed. But had to login and say that you have contributed SO MUCH to this community. Encouraging people. Your words mean more than you know to those who are suffering. Your mind is clouded right now and you can’t see that. But it’s true. Trust me on this.


#3

never dwell on the negatives and remember you are loved here.

The best part about HS is that it is filled with people who are hurt, have been hurt, or healing. We are all here for each other.

We all seek community in something. You are in HS community right now.
You are loved and cared for here.


#5

@Kayla Everyone is worthy. I know it is difficult to accept oneself as worthy. It is so easy to accept others. I have the same problems as you considering suicide. Just be consistent with hanging in there.

IDK you like the rest in this community or IRL. I think there is potential in everyone. I know at first glance it doesn’t seem like anything special.

Matter of Fact your birthaday is a big deal Odds of you being born 1 in 10 (followed by 2,685,000=zeroes). The odds of you being alive are basically zero. That means you are the definition of a miracle. Click the highlight