Do I really deserve to be here in this community? in this world? I guess I should try to explain.
Every night is filled with nightmares - the sexual assault nightmares are back but it’s not just the same guy anymore. They feel so real, like I’m living the assault all over again. Nightmares of abuse from my father getting so much worse.
Everyday I wake up with no motivation to live my life. I think about skipping shifts, leaving early or even just quitting my job not caring about the fact I would be kicked out of my home. I mean, it’s highly abusive and toxic so what would the problem be? I wake up wanting to give up on my recovery because I’m probably just going to fail all over again. no more meetings, no more disappointing my family and no more hurt. I try to do my prayers everyday but honestly, I’m starting to lose all hope.
For about a month things have been real bad. There are 2 constant films playing in my head.
Film 1 is of me cutting. I can physically feel the sensation of cutting whenever this plays in my head… The only difference between this and reality is that the relief from it doesn’t happen and I end up worse than before.
Film 2 is my suicide. I watch myself jumping off the bridge outside my work place or taking those pills down with a bottle of vodka… Since my relapse in self harm 12 days a go things have been getting worse. I will be 70 days clean of drugs on Friday but I feel as though that has been cheated due to my relapses with self harm. Everyone in this community helps out one another and it’s the most beautiful thing - yet I seem to be incapable of helping even a single person. I’ve driven a lot of the people from here that I love away and other times, minus a few people, I just get overlooked. All I ever wanted to do was help people and make sure everyone knows they’re not alone, but I can’t even see reason to keep myself alive or sober. If I’m not good enough for my family to love me, why should anyone else? The community deserves better than me and I don’t know how to give you that.
If anyone bothered to stay till the end, I’m sorry if it didn’t make sense, I’m struggling to stay awake… and thank you.