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I’m lost and can’t find my way back


#1

I am new to this site. I also don’t expect any answers either. I am recently married with a four month old babygirl. I am struggling in my marriage. Which is triggering my depression. I had gotten pregnant right after we got enagaged and it really threw us for a loop. It was so unplanned and very chaotic with planning a wedding and balancing drama from the pregnancy. Now I thought I was going to struggle with being a mom, but I love my daughter so much and being a mom comes naturally. Howvever, my marriage is breaking and it’s killing me. I get so upset that I just want to leave it all behind. I have had many meltdown episodes where I have almost left my husband and daughter. This has hurt my husband incredibly… to the point where he is ALWAYS defensive with me and barely talks to me. He has stopped showing affection towards me. He has shut down completely. It hurts me to have hurt him so much. I feel so so alone and I don’t know how to fix this. If anyone is reading this I would love an answer or someone to talk to. Please. Any advice?


#2

That sounds awful.

Like you want to be a good mom and wife, but it just feels impossible to deal with the problems of your marriage. I know it gets frustrating when you look at the way you act/feel and you hate it. I’ve struggled with a lot of anxiety being a Dad/Husband and can relate a little bit.

For me a lot of the issues were a core belief about who I was. I always looked at myself as a bad person who was really good at covering it up. And if anyone knew how secretly screwed up I was, they would all leave.

The thing was that this wasn’t true at all. I am a good Dad. Not perfect, but I’m doing a good job.

One thing that helped a lot was writing out what I believed about myself and then looking through each sentence. It blew my mind how many things I was believing in my head that weren’t true.

I also started talking about it more, which is a step you’ve taken here ^

I urge you to keep reaching out. You’re not alone.

Hold Fast,

Casers


#3

I think I will try writing about what I think of myself. I know that I struggle with self image and that I do view myself negatively. But maybe this will help me get to the root of the problem. This way I can get out of this rut. Thank you for the encouragement and advice. It helps to get fresh perspective from things with someone who has an objective perspective. It also helps to know how I am not alone.


#4

A lot of my friends are married. Communication is key. You guys were so use to being independent that when you guys finally got together. Resentment settled in your marriage. You both feel like failures. You’re not. You both love each other express it.

I suggest a marriage councilor that is a therapist that won’t have their own personal agenda. One with a PHD. They’re trained well about relationships and understand the job is focusing on you guys as a couple to get you guys to communicate openly with each other. (Make sure you guys click with the professional help)

I see too many marriages that fall apart because of lack or communication and listening.

I hope your marriage gets better. I hope you understand it isn’t yours or his fault.


#5

Your right @MentallyillGamer! I never considered that this resentment has settled in our marriage. I have not been able to pinpoint what has been wrong exactly just that something wasn’t right.

It’s good to hear that neither of us are at fault. I know that’s true but it’s a good reminder. I know that I blame myself a lot for what is wrong because I feel the way I do.

I do feel that counseling is key to mending our communication with each other. The last time we went to a counselor we didn’t click enough with her. So we need to keep looking.

Thank you for the insight :+1:


#6

Hi! I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. You know, my mom had terrible post pardom depression and often thought of leaving her situation. Maybe you should look into help for that. Your hormones are probably out of whack still. Maybe look into some foods or exercise that can help lift your mood. As for your relationship of course that took a toll on you both. That was supposed to be a time for you all to enjoy being together as a couple celebrating your relationship but it got complicated and added quick responsibility. I get it. Even tho I’m sure your baby is a great blessing. Maybe you should try getting a night alone for you all soon. Go do something new together. Reinvent yourself to him so it’s like a new start for you all to get closer and make up for the close time alone you all missed out on. I’m sure you love each other very much. Stress and daily life can tear anyone apart. remind each other that its u all against the world not you all against each other. Give what you want to receive from him but be patient. Communicate how you are feeling and your worries. But Express with love and concern. And be willing to compromise with what he wants as well. It goes both ways. I’m sure things will even out with time. It’s a lot at once. Once you all get into the swing of things. Just don’t forget where u all started and don’t let it fade. Keep it close in your hearts and know you have many blessings. Congrats on your baby:) I am praying for a baby when time is right. My fiance and I have been trying for 2 years with no luck yet. It gives me anxiety and depression that maybe I cannot give him a child. But I have hope. Anyway good luck and I hope things look up for you. I think communcarion in the right way Is a big thing here. You must not come at him like hes wronged you because you’ve both been under stress and you’ve both endured a lot. So you have to Express your concerns with care and sympathy for him as well. Good luck to u!


#7

Thank you very much @m.ruoff4. I am praying it gets better too. I think that postpartum depression has something to do with it too. It just makes the situation worse. However, I love what you said about reinventing myself to him. I have just been so caught up in my hurt that I haven’t been thinking about that. I know that I need to work on my patience as well so. So thank you for that advice and the sympathy. It means a lot.

I also hope that you and your fiancé are able to conceive! Baby’s are wonderful blessings no matter how hard it can be being parents. Don’t give up!

Good luck to you too

-Mama Cass


#8

@mama_cass720
you are not alone, being alone is something ive struggled with. im so sorry you had to dealing with this. have you tried talking to your husband? communication is the #1 thing in a relationship. just know you are loved and will still be loved by anyone .


#9

First off - welcome, thank you for posting.
I don’t have the experience of a child but it sounds like your husband wants to help you but maybe doesn’t know how… It might be worth sitting down and just talking, if you can… Or writing down how you’re feeling and letting him read it and approach you.
Relationships of all forms are so difficult - they take work. Is there anyone you can talk too like a friend/family member who is outside of the marriage that can help with an unbiased view?
When I get overwhelmed I tend to resort to self harm/drugs… But recently I’ve been reaching out to a network of people from this community because they can help me to see the truths when my head is just taken over by lies and to rationalise how I can overcome whatever is going on. So I get it - I would also advise you take a loo at Dwarf Planet - a resource on depression released by HeartSupport.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#10

Hi @mama_cass720,

I am so sorry to hear that it’s been so difficult lately. I am not yet a parent or married, so I’m afraid I cannot empathize the way that I wish I could, but I just want to let you know that you’re honestly so strong and brave, and the HS community is here for you. Please know that you are loved and that you’re not alone in this. I am so glad to hear that your baby daughter brings out so much life in you though- that warms my heart. I hope that everything will settle, and that productive and positive conversations will come about soon. Take care, hold fast.

Sending love and peace amongst the chaos,
Alex


#11

Hey mama_cass,

You’re a mom, you’re strong, you can get through this. We are all here for you, we love you

Chin up friend!

  • Nolan

#12

@all_around_ashley thank you for the sympathy. I have tried talking with him. He isn’t in a place to be able to talk yet. He is very clouded by how I hurt him. So I have to be patient and loving as he heals. Then we can talk about it.


#13

@Kayla I think that your right. I believe he doesn’t know how to help so he is very frustrated. He is t in the right place to talk right now. So maybe I will write it down in a letter to him so that he can read it and then come to me when he is ready. That’s a wonderful idea.

Also Dwarf Planet is an amazing book. My husband actually got it for me. This is how I got connected with HS. I’m thankful for him trying in that way.

I’m holding out hope!


#14

@Alex thank you for the support and words of encouragement! I am finding such love from the forum and I am thankful for it!

I hope things are getting better for you too.


#15

Thank you @Devoid_TV , I love you guys too. I’m hanging in there for sure.

You know what’s funny, Nolan is my husbands name too lol.


#16

Lol that’s awesome! Well I’m rooting for you guys!


#17

okay… just tell him to take his time and tell him youll be here when hes ready to talk


#18

Hey there Mama_Cass720

I appreciate you immensely. I found myself in a similar predicament only just a few months ago.


#19

First I want to say thank you for choosing my post and for being vulnerable with your personal situation. I know how hard it is to talk about it like that. This did help encourage me quite a bit. I don’t feel alone anymore (which is awesome). I feel like I have a new motivation to talk to my husband and to really try and mend our marriage. I didn’t expect to get such support from Heart Support, but I am blown away and grateful for this community :heart:


#20

Hey @mama_cass720 here is our video response with our friend PintSizedFun from our live stream, Hold Fast: