I m lost i always have been i m 45 now and after i

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Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
I’m lost. I always have been. I’m 45 now and after I could not go on and took enough pills to kill me but I somehow I woke up in ICU 3 days later. Mental health services were heavily involved and this anxiety and depression diagnosed from 14 years old whacked on ssri meds but after the suicide attempt I was heavily assessed and turns out I’ve got ADHD and a shed load of PTSD from some of a lot of stupid rash decisions and choices. I’m on 5 th try of medication finally seem to be making some changes. But wow im still so so lost and have no hope no trust and I’m in so so much pain I’m tortured until my sleeping pills kick in. I wish I was asleep on the anti psychotic meds they give me for sleep all the time. Sorry to blurt all this out :cry:xx

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I’ve felt lost at so many points of my life. When I was 19 I had an alcohol problem. I was using alcohol to escape. I felt like no one heard me or understood, There was one person at that point that I trusted and felt really got me. It was a nurse that I had become friends with. I am thankful for her. She could tell something wasn’t right. When she was finally able to get me to tell her what I was planning (kill myself with pills) she saved my life. It can be so easy to feel alone and at times things can seem hopeless. The truth that I found, and I hope you find as well, is I wasn’t really alone. You’re not alone. I’m glad you reached out here. Life really does seem to suck sometimes. But life can also be beautiful, hard, wonderful, and even hopeful. We don’t have to walk this path alone. I know getting help literally saved my life. You have taken a powerful step by talking about it. Thank you for your courage. That same courage can lead you to a place of hope. The key is to keep talking. And this is a good place to start.

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Hello friend,

I’m so glad you found us. I swear I was reading about myself for a second. The similarities between your story and mine are absolutely unreal. I’m close to your age (i’m 43) and attempted the same way you did. I had a bunch of pills in front of me and just having an absolute attack trying to decide to do it or not. Literally at the last second I decided that was the punch I needed to get some help. I also was diagnosed with PTSD mixed in with anxiety and depression.

Let me say this though, I’m so SO glad that you woke up.

What we went though, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But we survived. We persevered. Most importantly, we learned.

We learned that it’s okay to not be okay. We learned how to overcome whatever crazy shit life throws at our way. We learned that sometimes those things that life throws at our way can be harder to overcome. And that’s perfectly okay. That’s what life is all about someitmes.

I also made a lot of rash and stupid decisions in my life. But I learned from them, and used those teachings to help myself and help others. Yours realized there was something deeper that years later was finally uncovered and maybe that was the sign on the road saying “Hey, this is where we need to go to get on that path to recovery”.

And that’s what life is, right? It’s like being on the road. There’s construction, there’s closures, there’s detours, but there’s also a destination. Some people get there faster than others. They may have a faster car, or less traffic, or find a shortcut. But each way is different for everyone.

I’m glad the medication is helping though, at least somewhat. I had to go through a few iterations with my psychiatrist and primary care doctor to figure out what balance I needed (I have Crohn’s disease so I have meds for that too). I had to teach myself to be as open as possible in terms of how I was feeling. I had to tell myself the minute I enter that space, it’s a safe space. I knew I needed more help, and the more open I was, the better understanding they had and the better I could get treated. I got on certain meds for the day, and others at night, and finally after a couple years it’s gotten to a very manageable point. Obviously I still have my bad days too.

Think about it like this, remember that road we were talking about? You started on that road with a giant chest filled with bricks strapped to your back. Our minds basically said “Here, now walk. Don’t know where, but just walk”. That’s not the best way to find your road. Now you’re at the point where I was a couple years ago. The chest is gone, now there’s a backpack. It’s still full, but its a much more manageable weight. There’s signs on the road now, but you still don’t see where the destination is.

But with the progress you are making, the walk is starting to get a bit easier, and the goal is easier to get to.

I dunno if you’re aware, but we do have a support forum (the link is in the YouTube description), and you can always post there, whether you need support or you want to share your progress.

We’re always here for you friend, no matter what. You aren’t alone, and we’re walking that road with you.

Stay strong, friend <3

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I am truly sorry to hear that you are going through so much. In this thing call life we all go through seasons where we feel completely lost, it feels as if that compass to life is no longer valid. However, I believe that being lost can lead you right into your purpose, I also believe that on our lost path we encounter experiences that do not only change our lives, but they also impact the lives of other people. I say all this to say that life has so many beautiful things in store for you so I sincerely hope that you find the will to keep going. ROOTING FOR YOU!!!

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Hey friend,

I’m proud of you for sharing your story and for sending a call out into the dark.

You’re here with us telling your story for a reason.

I’ve dealt with a load of things in my life to the point where I could probably say that I’ve lived multiple livetimes compared to the average person. Your post resonates deeply for me.

After I hit my own personal rock bottom a few years ago, I was completely and utterly lost. Not only confused about who I truly was, but also lost essentially everything else.

Then I found Heartsupport.

It was a hard period in my life in which I basically had to start all over again from the ground up at the age of 30. I now look back at that moment in my life and am thankful for it. It’s what the universe, God, Allah, What ever you want to call it or beleive in put that moment in my life to get me on the right track.

because of that moment and the journey along the way, I’ve been able to find my purpose and live with intention and fulfillment.

I had strived and struggled pursuing things that weren’t true to myself because that’s what I thought I needed to do. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

That rock bottom moment for me was the best gift that’s ever been given to me. What once nearly took my life, gave me the opportunity to live my best life.

It was hard work. I wanted to give up several times, and I broke down in lonely tears a lot. No matter how dark things got, I reminded myself that I’ve got to do it not only for myself, but because if I can do it… other people can do it.

Through this, I’ve made sure to give myself and, more importantly, my youngerself the self compassion. We are all just kids deep down. That child in us has always known what we love, what we should do, who we are. I’ve spent a lot of time with my childself and am striving to be able to look back and have that younger self say, you did it!!

I share all of this because it’s moments like these that give us the opportunity to acheive what we truly wanted and dreamed about. It’s the process of reclaiming yourself that helps you to become that person - the best version of yourself.

We’re all on our own path. Some of us choose to venture out into the darkness. It’s easy to get lost out there, but there are other explorers out there that have navigated the same waters you are in now. We see you. We hear you. Most importantly, though, we believe in you.

We are all brothers and sisters in the dark.

You can do it.

Hold Fast

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@@HeartSupport oh my actual goodness. I’m typing back to you absolutely breaking my heart. You’ve literally given me the most kindness I’ve ever received. I’m tired so so tired of hitting rock bottom and clawing my way to a place where I’m not disappointing people and I smile and wave and they think I’m fixed but when I slide or start to there’s nobody to see me slide until I’m at rock bottom which means waking up in hospital and then I’m a disappointment again and although my mum knows that all these times I’ve gotten lost and fallen have not been because I just wanted to get off my head etc it’s because of the ADHD she was told I had at 5 years old. And when it first grabbed me at 15 years and I was struggling to get out of bed and I got a slap around the face she never once mentioned the ADHD to the doctor or child psychologist so it was depression and anxiety and panic disorder and whacked on ssri ‘s until last year when finally finally from moving to new town so a different mental health team saw me within 10 minutes they said you’re nuero diverse off the scale. But it’s now got all these sprouts that we’re gonna have to undo along with the PTSD. I’m losing hope to ever know just to be me and ok being me instead of wanting to run away from my terrifying brain that races and won’t shut up and wants me to use or torture me. I can only see black and a pin point of light. But I’ve gone off point ( ADHD :roll_eyes: ) I will be eternally grateful for your support and kindness. The kindness is overwhelming :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

@@HeartSupport wow thank you. I was rebelling at 13 and experimenting but friends around me were but I always took it to the next level. But it was no biggy because I had this big outgoing personality it was almost expected. By 15/16 I was having panic attacks daily and was using alcohol and by 18 I was in AA. I had some good people come in over the years every time I’ve fallen I’ve now got a CNS condition and it paralysed me and I literally had to learn to walk again. I live in constant pain but I like it when my physical pain is at its worst because it gives my brain a rest. I’m sorry you’ve fallen but I’m so happy you’ve found your strength and courage and you can now experience beautiful and wonderful now. I’ve been saved about 7 times now. But I need to be able to save myself I need those tools xx

@@HeartSupport oh my word. I’m so overwhelmed right now I don’t really know what to say. I have severe nerve damage from developing a CNS peripheral neuropathy so I’m on a shed load of meds for that to including opiates which I still reach for and will take a few more than I should some days. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to reach out and also for sharing your story. This is the safest place I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m lost and tinkering my meds and hopefully getting my license back soon I will have a life. Until then I’m stuck in my house inside my own head at the same time managing my autistic son’s life. I’m a better at looking after him and sorting his head out and fighting for the help he needs that is outside of our home than I am at looking after myself and the words and lessons I give him give him strength however they don’t work for me. WHY??? :cry:

There could be many different reasons why they don’t work for you, but it all boils down to one thing: Human nature.

When we have people in our life, whether it be children, parents, friends, partners, etc, some of us have that natural nurturing ability. Being a father definitely enhances that too. It’s what parents do, be that protector and that beacon of light. With our age, it can be harder to put that level of care into ourselves, because by this time we’re practically conditioned to help the closest people in our lives.

The words and lessons you give him for strength may not work for you or for others, because once again, it all boils down to human nature. We’re all different. But there’s still a takeaway in that you DO give him strength. The actions you’re taking for him are making an impact, and as a person and a father, you should be INCREDIBLY proud of that.

I know you mentioned in another post about moving to a new town and that’s how you found out about your diagnosis and undoing the sprouts along with the PTSD. Let that be your drive! A new town is a great way to mark a new beginning or a next chapter. A couple years ago I moved about 90 minutes away, from Tampa to Orlando, and it was the best decision I ever made. Some of those demons I battled when I lived in Tampa, didn’t follow me here. Some did, but it became actually manageable for once. The PTSD is still there, but once again, it became manageable.

And that’s what it’s about at the end of the day, management. We can’t really erase things we’ve gone through, but we can control how it affects us. Look at everything you’ve gone through, and you’re still here having this conversation with us, which I’m absolutely honored for. You learned how to physically walk after CNS, and now you’re learning how to mentally walk after ADHD and PTSD.

You shouldn’t be expected to save yourself. I know I never did. The smallest things can help you walk again, but you never do it alone. We walk together, friend <3

@@HeartSupport thank you with all my heart for reaching out and giving your support and kindness xx :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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@@HeartSupport oh wow just wow of wow ( if that’s wasn’t a thing it is now) I just felt a pull here immediately and felt the raw emotion from other people seeing there story being given a vessel and I’m go glad I punched all that stuff into my phone as it helped at the time but I didn’t expect a response let alone all these responses. I would love for one of you guys to just spend an hour with my parents and explain I don’t enjoy the breakdown’s and self meditation I’m absolutely on my knees trying to numb a tiny bit of the invisible suffering but my mum has pretty much let me go and in turn has turned a lot of family against me. They feel sorry for my mum because I’m “acting out” I finally pinned my sister down to ask her how we went from twins to strangers and she says it’s because I changed and I keep hurting our parents and expect them to forgive me every time they collect me from hospital etc. My mum has asked why I’m so angry with her and I don’t think I even am now. I’m just frustrated that she cuts me off and turns her back when I’m in desperate need of my shelter which as a child is your mum and when you’re in such a raw state you are like a lost little one again. When I took the OD. My mum didn’t have anything to do with me leading up to it because I was acting weird and my house was a mess and when even knowing an ambulance had been called she didn’t even call the hospital and when I was conscious not even a text. I was in the same clothes I’d been in for who knows before and whole time I was in. My dad came to see me but all he could find that was clean was a dressing gown and he put some bits of toiletries in a carrier bag but they were all wrong but god bless him he tried. He’s in his 70’s and wasn’t gonna get how to buy my size pjs pants t shirts but my mum could have. She didn’t text me even. I’d been home over a week and I rang her and begged her to come see me I was scared and I was looking at my meds and just thinking one last shot. I’m still so poorly it would probably work. I told her this. She called me a selfish bitch and I had to call mental health crisis helpline. That cuts so so deep and she won’t take any responsibility for her actions and my dad protects her. I don’t have a person. The last guy I was with pimped me out for free crack. I was threatened and so were my children it was no choice so I don’t trust men in a relationship sense. She literally has her ass wipes to the level my dad food shops , cooks and brings her food to her on a tray every evening whilst she gets drunk and then abusive. Even calling me and being on 2 hours or so and has no recollection the following day. So very sad so now she’s throwing out I’ve ruined the family BBQ‘a Xmas etc for my children as the children will feel split. Is that not physiological bullying cos it feels like it. There’s maybe a better term. But again I didn’t mean for this to come out. My real real reason for writing here is to thank you. Your support has probably saved me again cos I was sliding again :heart::heart:

@@HeartSupport I feel like I get 2 steps forward but then it’s 20 steps back. I’m sure my light will come it’s just so sad from the age of 16 I’ve self destructed. I married the love of my life at 22 and had my first of 3 children at 24 and then there’s 3 years between them all. I coped and was happy and content up until 2017 and then my brain broke and I got taken down a path into a world that I didn’t know existed. I’m still lost I’m just not abusing now. Anyway regardless of all that. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me and sending me kindness, wisdom and compassion. I have been blown away by the comments. I didn’t even expect a like let alone all this wonderful wonderful group of people who are all holding each other up it’s amazing and I feel I’ve got somewhere safe to go, so thank you xx

Hey, so I just wanted to let everyone know that had reached out to me that now my head is in a much calmer place They have switched my meds slightly I was just swinging violently around in my head crawling on mu knees trying to find answers or peace or any kind of feelings of contentment I don’t want the moon on a stick. I just want to be okay and okay to be me and at peace with that. I think going forward with the help of medication which in an ideal world I wouldn’t want to take after all the damage I have done to myself through self-medicating to numb the pain but it’s definitely necessary to rewire the Adhd symptoms that are out of control and also to help with that a small dose of an antipsychotic although I’m not psychotic it’s used in large doses for people that are. I also rely on pain medication and I’m bed bound without it so ….but I need to learn to not have to explain myself or even really share that with anyone because it’s my business but my ADHD and potentially ASD which my assessment started today for that diagnosis I’ve always over shared and my mask which is my big bubbly personality runs away sometimes in social situations and for some reason the more of the performance I put on the more I share and I tell people of my past almost apologising to New people that don’t need to know and just need to know me the real me but with controlled Adhd and Asd. I’m eternally grateful to everyone that reached out to me and honestly truthfully blown away that they are people that will take the time out of their probably busy day just to share their story just to let a complete stranger know that they are not alone. They are not the only ones that have messed up got lost got taken down they never knew even existed and certainly not what was at the end of those paths so I think I’ve had three or four waking up in hospital Rock bottoms this last time was the bottom of the very bottom waking up in ICU and not knowing any basic information like birthdate or address and to be honest I was pretty pissed off that I’d been found and the hospital saved me and were continuing to treat me but I was too weak to pull out cannulas and unattached myself from the beeping machines I was eventually moved to a ward that was a rehabilitation ward to get people well enough to be able to go home so people were in there for all sorts and all sorts of ages luckily I was in a bay with two other younger girls as there were lots of older people and the three of us got each other through feeling horrendous and I could see through the doors so I was called the Oracle as I knew what was going on so it was like a comedy stand-up of what I could say and flipped it into a funny story unfolding through the doors all three of us still staying in touch eight months later so we really did get tight anyway the reason why I actually writing this is to say to all of you you’re amazing you should all be so proud of yourselves and I’m truly blessed that you chose to share with me and reach out to me at the moment I am just giving myself simple daily tasks in the last few days. I’ve been told I am now insulin dependent diabetic and now need to educate myself in that name like what I can eat and what I can’t eat et cetera, and I’m thinking of getting more connected to the universe which might sound a bit wacky but I do change with the seasons. My skin breaks out with bad eczema just because the weather has changed. I can tell one autumn is coming. There is just a feeling I can smell when it’s gonna snow and I know when there’s going to be a thunderstorm, so I am just gonna look at books and see if I can find comfort and solace in something like that it may not connect anything is worth a shot if it brings you comfort and I want to try and manifest positivity And Health as I always see negativity and my poor health so I need to flip it long-term to work in mental health, possibly just as a peer worker shadowing a nurse whoever is assessing or giving therapy to et cetera because if anyone can understand all aspects of being lost misunderstood judged reaching out to the wrong people or the wrong choices it’s me and I think to turn my negativity into somebody else’s positivity will bring me positivity as what you give you get in return that’s how the universe works such as karma and she can be a real bitch so yeah absolutely 100% my new word my new belief my new searching techniques are for the positive things that the world has to offer and the positive things the human person can give to the world and the human beings who live in this world and I honestly didn’t mean to post all this. It was a bit of a hey thank you. I’m in a better place. I’m starting to see a bit of light a bit of clarity and again a great big huge thank you and if any of you ever needed an ear then they are open any time for any of you or anyone else

You are amazing, and I’m glad you all seem to be on the right side of things in your own life and journeys

Lots of love to you all :v:t2::heartbeat: