I’m not over it (cw homophobia?)

my friend recently had something happen to them that really reminded me of an incident from when i was 14. i feel kinda stupid for still being affected by it, although it’s definitely not as bad as it was back then. still i have trouble being around a certain person that was involved, without my anxiety kicking in.

so, back when i was 13-14, i identified as bisexual, before realising i was actually aromantic at 15. and my friends are all quite supportive, so i told them about it. but my one friend somehow thought it was a good idea to tell her back then best friend¿? without my knowledge about me identifying as bi. we’ll call him K. and i was friends with him too — i guess you could say K and i were childhood friends of sorts — and K had a crush on me for a very long time, but he’s also pretty homophobic (and once tried to argue with me about my disability not really being a disability ???) and i didn’t even find out until weeks later, only when the friend who told him, let’s call her M, approached me with “K doesn’t like that you’re bi”, which ?? i don’t need his permission but okay lmao

now, everything would’ve been fine it just ended there. but it didn’t. K and i were still friends, although things were a bit weird between us. And about a week after i turned 14, K threw a party. since i live very close to K and also have known him for a long time, my parents had no issue with me going. M came too, but neither of us were allowed to drink which was completely understandable. i did just turn 14 after all. and drinking laws in germany are quite different, where you can legally drink once you’re 14 with the supervision of an adult around and things like that.

M and i both stayed until midnight and by then kind of almost everyone had left and it was just K, M and a few other people i knew from school. one of them being one of my friends older brother, J. And besides M and me, everyone was pretty drunk.

now, K and J aren’t friends anymore but they were pretty close back then. and i don’t know for sure, but it’s the only thing i can think about that would make sense; K told J about me identifying as bi. and J is even more homophobic than K.

and in his drunken stupor, J started asking me about my sexuality. it started out okay but became increasingly more gross and inappropriate, to the point where i wanted to cry. he openly started making fun of me and tried to turn everyone who was there, against me.

it was really scarring for me — i dealt with internalised homophobia for a long time and had finally gotten around to accepting the fact i wasn’t straight. and that kinda just, backset a lot of the progress i had made.

it doesn’t affect me that much anymore, but i’m definitely not over it. like i said above, i still have a lot of trouble with being in the same room as J without feeling like i want to bolt out of there.

i guess i just never really got to properly process it, because i had no one i could talk to about this.

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From: ManekiNeko

I’m so sorry that you had to experience that, and you’re not stupid for being affected by it. You were young and it was such a big moment that impacted you. I feel horrible hearing when there’s people who hate on or hurt someone and other people still stuck by their side and have them in the friend circle.

you have an incredible story to share and I do hope that as you grow and become more of who you know yourself to be that these experiences shape how you love others. That you use those experiences to learn how to encourage others.

your life and your presence is a gift and you deserve to be who you are without anyone else speaking for you, judging you, hurting you… you deserve to feel safe and loved

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From: Mamadien

I’m so sorry for what you experienced when you were 14. It’s hard when people we think are good friends betray our trust. I’m glad you are here and able to talk about it now. I hope it helps to be able to talk about how it all has affected you and given you a chance to further process your feelings and heal from this. You are always welcome here, you are loved for who you are just as you are.

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Hey HeresA,

I am very sorry to hear you are going through all of this. It can’t be easy to keep having to deal with these past memories, but I am glad that you are taking steps to try to keep working on processing the pain you went through. I hope that telling us about it, and letting us know more about you, has helped in processing all of this. You are loved and welcome here, friend.

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Hello there,

I feel like this is one of those heartbreaking life lessons that everyone experiences throughout their lifetime. It’s not enjoyable at any point, but I truly believe that it is a lesson that can be very helpful & beneficial. We have to learn who we can trust & who we cannot trust.

Don’t look at it as a step back, but just a rest stop. Find some time to access all of the things that happened at that moment & take it with you as you journey on. You are an amazing person & keep on going on. You are wonderful. You are strong. You are enough. You are valid. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: Rohini_868

Hi there HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease,
There’s absolutely nothing to feel ‘stupid’ about here, this was quite a horrible experience that is heartbreaking to know happened to you at such a young age.

I wanna point out how much you’ve grown since then, and how much you’ve gotten to know yourself as well. I think you should be proud of this growth and of yourself. You were treated badly by people who were your friends, but you didn’t let that stop you! You stayed true to yourself, you didn’t hide it.
If anyone, it’s J who should feel a bit silly if he’s not grown up or learnt to be kinder since then! It’s truly his lost if he chooses to be means or nasty to people. J was mean to you, but that was because of something in him, and had nothing to do with you. I hope that by talking about it here you will be able to slowly find some relief and peace, and remember to always keep being your awesome self! You’re loved!

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From: twixremix

hey friend,

thank you so much for knowing this forum is a safe spot for you to vent and share traumatic events like the one you experienced in this post. i’m so sorry you had to deal with such raw homophobia. i also hope your friend who you mentioned at the start of this post is doing alright after their own situation. it’s totally understandable that you still are affected by it since it was so personal to who you are and the internalized homophobia you already overcame. while i hope any future interactions with J are limited or nonexistent, interactions like the one you had at the party at age 14 will stay with you. it’s how you take that trauma and stitch yourself back up is how you can transform those scars into courage though. keep walking forward, my friend, because amazing people like you don’t have time for people like J who insists on spreading negativity, hate, and ignorance.

love,
twix

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, I am so sorry this happened to you, putting your trust in people only to be let down and in such a massive way must have truly had a huge effect on you and your life at that time and since. It was very cruel and unfair and should never have happened. People can be very nasty and you did not deserve that. I wish you had, had more support at the time. It makes sense that you would not be over it, it would be a situation that would indeed stay in you memory just to pop up now and again being triggered by something else. it was a traumaic situation. You have though continued to live your life, stayed strong and done it in spite of people like that and im proud of you for that. You are a wonderful person and you are cared for very much indeed. Much Love Lisa.xx

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Hey there,

That is such a tough situation to have gone through and I can’t imagine how horrible it must have felt, both for you and your friend, to be in those sorts of situations. I’m so sorry that you’ve been subjected to taunting for a part of your identity that is so personal. It’s completely understandable that you would still feel affected by that!

While I certainly wish that you weren’t still affected, you aren’t “stupid” in the slightest for being anxious around them. When someone has hurt you in the past, it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious around them, as recovery isn’t a linear process – it takes time and may feel worse on some days, and better on others. With that said, as a whole, the experience is likely to get much less painful with time (and it already sounds like you’ve noticed that which is so great to hear).

I know you mentioned that you haven’t shared this experience with others, so I hope that sharing here helped a little bit. If nothing else, I’m glad that you reached out to share this with us; I really appreciate you for trusting us with this.

<3 Tuna

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