Hello Everyone.
I’m new to the form, just wanted to pour my heart out and express what I’m feeling and going thru. Maybe gets advice cause I’m not really sure what to do or think or how to act anymore.
I have a friend I made over the Internet a year ago, who has gone thru a tough time in school with bullying, and has a rough time with one of their parents. Over the past year they have threatened their life on more then one occasion, which I stopped them, I’ve tried being a support system and also tried talking to them about getting professional help.
I have been there go to, and I fear that I’m the only one they talk to about these things, and it’s a lot for one person to handle, especially since I deal with my own problems and mental health such as depression, anxiety, ptsd, bipolar, and few others. I’ve expressed my concern and things got better for awhile, it seemed like they were getting better and all of sudden it just switched where they are in tears crying to me about how they feel, saying their worthless, and so much more. It pains me to see them in so much pain, but now it’s started to take its toll on me slowly. It’s exhausting being the strong one for someone, when I already do that for my own family that I’ve been creating together with my SO.
I don’t want to be rude or hurtful or harmful to them. But I feel like I’m drowning and have this huge weight on my shoulders that isn’t mine to hold. They call me an idol, role model and such for them… but I’m only human I have flaws. Idol is a very very scary word.
There’s more to the story, I kept deleting this and rewriting it cause I wasn’t sure if I should even write this. So I’m taking a leap and just posting it
I just don’t know what to do, think or how to act anymore.
I feel like I’m losing myself trying to help them and keep their head above water.
I totally understand what you’re going through. I’ve had a few friends that were dumping their emotional turmoil, constantly, on me. It came to the point where it was every day. I also struggle with depression/anxiety/self-harm and it became so hard for me to talk to anyone about it because I was always so focused on them. I finally had to take a step back and find some help for ME, because I felt like I was going to die.
So, I’m not saying stop being there for your friend; definitely not a good idea. BUT, I would maybe recommend that your friend get some professional help if possible. And for you, we are always here if you need a listening ear or a friend. Take care of your friends, but also take care of you. You are also very important!
I am also new here. I tried to search and read up on it, but it was hard to find good advice that applies directly to your scenario. But after some reading, I have a little to share at least.
You should ask if you are the only one supporting them; is there anyone else now, or would it be possible for him/her to open up to someone in their close vicinity (maybe the other parent)? Tell them to seriously think about it.
Are they searching professional help yet? It sounds as if they really need it. Often it is really hard to go to that first appointment. In this case it is also good if there is someone else; that person can sit beside on a phone call, or go with them on the first appointment.
Don’t exhaust yourself. Your well being should be a priority to yourself. It is OK to set some limits, and you should feel that it is okay to say that you can’t always be there. Have this conversation and talk about the above.
Hope that helps,
Take care!
(If someone feels I have said something wrong, please do tell. English is not my first language.)
You are doing it right now. There is so me you can do before u go down hill. Encourage them to reach out and seek help. Remember you have to look after yourself too. So it’s ok to say I need a break especially when u have issues too.
Thank you for sharing. I think a good start point for this is to sit down and have a chat about the other forms of support that your friend is getting right now. From there you can work on getting them the help they need. Getting professional help is one of the most terrifying things and I feel if they are not yet receiving that - knowing that you would be willing to look into and even be with them for their first meeting would be a big help and reassurance. I also would also say you could try and send them to the community here if they are not a part of it already - if they are struggling to reach out to people around them, having a place to talk and receive encouragement without having to be identified could be good for them AND you. Please don’t let yourself be dragged down by this. Your mental health is just as important as your friends. Please remember to look after yourself and take the time you need. Maybe talking to your friend a little bit about your feelings will help them to realise they’re not the going through this alone. You don’t have to go into great detail if you think it would be triggering - but you can use your experiences to lift eachother up. You’re both human - you both have feelings and it’s okay. You can be the foundation for one another. We are here for you, and for your friend if they decide to reach out to the community.
First off, welcome to HeartSupport! I hope that you find a sense of safety and refuge within this amazing community.
I can completely understand how it feels when you give, give, give to the point of it becoming extremely exhausting. We humans are built to both give and receive, and if you don’t receive, you’ll find that your gas tank has reached “E” for empty. I think it’s wonderful that you’re so close to your online friend, and I’m sure he/she definitely sees you as a trusted outlet to vent to. However, make sure to take care of yourself too. Try recommending counseling to your friend - that way she gets an additional person to talk to, which might take some weight off of your shoulders. And if you aren’t seeing someone as well, I would highly recommend it. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made!
Thank you so much for reaching out! Please keep us updated!
hey there @WarriorShadow ,
i am so sorry your friend is having troubles. and im sorry your having a fear. but tbh, your friend trusts you. but does anyone else know? i think a responcible adult should know so they could get help. im glad you are a caring frien. just know theres people who care about each other and want everyone to be better.
hope this helps in some what…
-ashley
That’s amazingly loving of them to be there for their friend BUT there seems to be a feeling of being that bulwark between the friend and them losing themselves and that’s too much responsibility for one person. It’s amazing enough just to be a person they can lean on. Maybe let them know that you can’t bear their stuff and fix them but you can love them and hug them.
My wife and I both deal with junk and we know we can’t help get each other “fixed” but we can just hold each other if we need it or just tell the other they are loved. It’s especially important when you have your own stuff, that you convey what is realistic for you to be able to do for them. Giving sensitive folks, like you, like me, want to help make others not suffer but that’s outside of our abilities. Some things are bigger than us. But as someone who has been close to that dark door it’s enough to tell them you can’t fix them but you can love them and if they need it you can hug them at times. Ultimately if they are that low they will need someone with more resources available like a therapist to work with them. You can also, time permitting do things together that might help both of you like riding bikes together, go for a hike together, or take a yoga class together. Love yourself. And know you are loved here too.
Thanks for speaking up and sharing this. It is really hard for me to set good boundaries, I am learning how to set them at all with people I care about. It is great that you are aware of this now and working to take care of yourself. It is really hard when someone you love makes a decision with horrible consequences. Taking care of yourself is showing yourself the same compassion you extend to others.
I truly truly understand so much of this all too well.
I have a friend who lives in a different place than me and things have been so hard for them for so so long- it pains me to see what they have to go through and it hurts to know that I can’t go to them and pick them up and fly them away from their struggles and current environment. At one point it was getting to be a lot for me to handle and I feel guilty saying that I just wanted to give up- I really truly feel guilty for feeling like that and I am truly regretful for feeling like that. They struggle with their parents, and they are bullied so much. They also self injure and have overdosed multiple times and struggle with self injury. It is not easy to always be there but I do my best- and that’s all anyone can ask of you.
One thing I will state that I really need to remind myself of a lot is “you can’t pour from a glass that’s empty” meaning if you pour out too much to other people- you won’t have enough love for yourself.
At the time and still to now I was struggling with my own issues- like anxiety and depression and family issues and self injury. It was a lot on me and I don’t know how I poured out so much at the time- maybe because I was lacking the feeling of love towards myself.
There is another person that I have met that I try so hard to help- I give them resource and listen and I try and try but I am at a loss as to how to truly help- and that really hurts to say.
Friend, you can only do what you can do. THEY have to reach out also. THEY have to put in the work and time, I’m not saying they aren’t , I’m just stating what has to be done.
You are there for encouragement and support and love and light but they truly have to be the ones to take the steps.
I’m proud of you for talking to us about this- and very grateful you did.
We are here for you no matter what- maybe you could even introduce your friend to this community and what is has to offer.
Remember- you can’t pour from a glass that’s empty.
