I’m old fashioned. Obviously it isn’t like this for most people anymore, but I still want to save sex for marriage. I’m not asexual, but for a multitude of reasons, I don’t want to have sex before I get married. A big part of it is trust; trust is something that has to be earned, it can’t just be given. Trust is something that takes time; it doesn’t just happen. I want to be able to trust someone completely, and if a person can wait months, years for me, without cheating or looking elsewhere, and still want me after all that time, that would be a HUGE factor in earning my trust. Another reason for my abstinence is I don’t want to get pregnant before I’m ready to have a family. Obviously there is birth control, but for health reasons as well as religious reasons, I’m not comfortable with using it. I also don’t want to risk STDs by being with someone I think I know well only to find out they lied to me (yes I know that can happen in marriage as well). I’m Catholic, so that also plays into the reasons for my abstinence from sex.
It’s not like I don’t feel sexually attracted to people (I happen to be a straight woman). It’s not like I don’t think about sex, it’s not like I don’t want it. If I were in a relationship, I would probably find it difficult to remain abstinent. It’s normal to want and to feel wanted whether someone is married or not. If I were married, I’d be willing to have sex with my partner if it was something we both wanted.
I just worry that I’ll never find someone I can love who will share these same values. I worry that even my closest of friends, if they find out I feel this way, would judge me, make fun of me, like me a lot less, or even flat out abandon me. I worry that people will tell me I’m being completely unrealistic; I’m worried that they’ll tell me my standards are way too high and that I’ll never find anyone because of what I want/don’t want in a dating or courtship relationship. I’m worried that people will only think of me as a child instead of a grown, adult woman. I feel lonely and alone because there’s no one I feel comfortable enough with to talk about this with them.
I’m not judging anyone else for their sexual choices because I know that everyone has their own needs and desires and that people are hopefully able to find someone who satisfies those needs. I just wish that there was someone out there who could understand me and not judge me for my own desires and choices. I wish there was someone out there who could love me the same way I love them.